to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

I wouldn’t bring up the earning imbalance.

you have to have a sensitively handled “I love you but….” Conversation

TELL him all nursery closures are now half each using AL.

This is a wider societal issue. We have gained more freedom, but not equality. We still take on most of the domestic and caring roles. If you are the higher earner, your DH should do most of the domestic work, just as would be expected of you if there were genuine equality.

It shouldn’t have anything to do with earnings. If 2 people work full time they should share the domestic load equally regardless of salary.

Wow 😮 of course it’s lovely to look after your own child !
But toddlers are extremely demanding little people ( I ought to know I have 3 children) and if your job is also very demanding too then a bit of time to yourself is needed !
Are you deliberately trying to make the OP feel rubbish ?

I said you're being unreasonable because you're allowing this to happen. He has to do more.

What a terrible situation. Don't you spend time together WITH your baby? It sounds like a deep conversation is well over due! Get a year wall calendar and plan it together. What ever gives you both the Right to DOWNTIME from your little one? That baby is your first responsibility. Ok, you earn most money. Does he work full time too? Take the money out of the situation as each of you are obviously in jobs of your choice and discuss YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Together time? Division of Labour? Child time? It does sound as if he's living life as a single man if he plans time off at a different time to yourself. Most Odd.

Probably should be having this discussion with your husband rather than the internet

This sounds like my previous life. I wasted 41 years! Before first child I was the bigger earner. I stuck around until second child was settled after leaving home then filed for divorce. If he's like that now, you can try the "chat" about shared responsibilities but think the OP will be in same position Iheartmystart and I were sadly. Because even aftet the "chat" things just fell back to me doing the lions share.

Reframe - you got to spend time with your child.

I’ve voted YANBU but I’d like to know, why are you letting this happen? Have you even discussed it?
You should be having a frank discussion outlining that you need to split childcare duties 50/50 and not leave it all to you. People will behave how you allow them to, and currently, you are being a doormat and dh probably thinks it’s all ok!

Well you need to tell your partner he needs to step as parent & partner.
Its not a fair balance. & you dont accept being run into the ground while he conveniently saves his holiday to do zero child care

The earning imbalance is indeed a sensitive point as many men in that situation feel "emasculated", and anecdotally cheat to regain some self esteem.

Nevertheless, it is a big elephant in this relationship and needs to be addressed somehow. Most reasonable partners who are not breadwinners often contribute more to the home e.g. childcare to balance things out. Yet, this selfish man is taking the mic. Alas, maybe he didn't even want to be "tied down" in this relationship in the first place, hence the entitlement.

I would definitely bring up the earnings imbalance. Men weaponise this all the time, so why shouldn’t OP?

Reframe - he needs to spend time with his child

Is weaponising stuff the best way through this? That doesn’t feel healthy to me but if that’s your relationship good luck to you

But you can't control someone else. Concentrate on having your own great experiences with your own child. Your child's memories will be of the great times they had with you.

But she can talk to him and she can explain actions have consequences and their marriage will suffer if he’s not actually in it anymore but just looking after himself and doesn’t treat her like a partner worthy of respect, or his child like someone who matters to him. Your post sounds like she should just suck it up- she has been jut sucking it up under the delusion they are a team and he values her contribution, now she knows that’s a delusion there are many many things she can change, the very first of which is to stop just sucking it up.

@mumatlast14well no but in an adult relationship you should be able to discuss and come to a fair, mutual arrangement. You do have agency in how your child is cared for and whether it should all fall on you.

Or she could value the time with the child she presumably chose to have. They're not little for long.

She can do both.

She can be happy that she had this time with her child whilst, AT THE SAME TIME being pissed off that Mr Wonderful is using her AL as a way to save his own and avoid his parenting responsibilities.

Its clear that he values time to do his hobbies and relax more than a) spending time with his child and b) allowing his wife time to relax and do her hobbies.

Her being pissed off at him being a selfish shit and having no time for herself doesnt mean that she resents spending time with her own child.

And I really fucking hate this concept that women should be utterly joyful at every second of time with a child "they chose to have". No. Stop that martyrish shite.

Its only with the privilege of hindsight that we can say "oh they are not little for long". When its actually happening, each day can feel like ten years. Its a long hard slog at times and knowing that the person who is supposed to be your partner is just letting you carry the load makes it even harder.

Posting this kind of crap just adds to the societal guilt poured onto mothers, you should be ashamed of yourself for making any struggling mother who reads that bilge feel worse.

Except she's phrased it that's she is pissed off at having to look after her child too. Frankly I only feel sorry for the child, both parents being so unhappy to use their annual leave to look after their own kid.

Well maybe if people realised what parenting was they would think whether it suits them or not. I'm frankly sick of seeing adults putting their wants ahead of their kids.

Yes because she is knackered and over stimulated and her husband, the fathers child, is nowhere to be seen.

She is providing literally everything! She pays the mortgage, the bills, childcare, everything and on top of that she gets no time at all to just sit and veg safe in the knowledge that someone else is in charge. Of course she is pissed off! She can love her child, want to be with her child and still be pissed off.

I am guessing that this isnt something that has hit you yet, but I can guarantee that one day it will. Babyhood, toddlerhood, tweenies, teens.....it will happen! And maybe on that day you will gain a little empathy.