to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

Plan out the bulk of your AL for 2026 now. Even if you switch it later or move the odd date, it will enable you to think together about what cover you need and how much time you each have for downtime. And have a clear and open discussion about who is covering what. Childcare is a project to manage, you have to be explicit and forward thinking otherwise you will default to the socialised patterns of mum does everything while dad potters about.

I don’t understand how you never spoke about it?

Seems like you didn’t discuss it. You assumed that he would book time off, but you never had the conversation. Going forward discuss every day that nursery is off. Next time it’s shut “ok nursery is shut these days so you need to
book these days off XXXX”

His turn next year?

I did this for 15 yrs. Hit a wall and the relationship imploded. Every day I am glad I am not with him any more. Address the imbalance or resentment will eat you up.

When you assume you make an ass out of me and you.

OK now you've learned these things need planned out, you need to sit down and organise rest of year together. Nursery years are a doddle, once they're at school you need to cover 13 weeks of school holidays a year.

I understand wanting a break. Some on here make it out as though you don’t deserve any down time from a busy job and everything else a mum balances. “You shouldn’t have kids if you can’t look after them,” and “You wanted to use AL for yourself?” They should start their own think-tank.

Luckily there are more sensible posts on here from others and as many say, have a chat to your husband and make sure you split the childcare evenly going forward. Good luck.

Yanbu to be annoyed but yabu to have made assumptions.

DH and I have a chat prior to all school
holidays - how many days need covering, who can do what and whether there are days at work that can’t be booked off by one of us.

Same goes for any other days. We both go on a solo holiday each year but check the dates for convenience etc before booking.

when you’re a family you need to all communicate about everyone’s needs.

My DH tried this when our DS was little. I was/am the higher earner, but he still thought his annual leave was HIS. He had a bloody shock when we had mediation prior to our divorce and the mediator asked him his plan for covering his 6 1/2 weeks share of school holidays.

YANBU but it is something you needed to have discussed.
A quick 'Nursery is closed on these dates, which days do you want to take so I know when to book my AL'.
It shouldn't all fall on you unless you want it to. I cover the school holidays childcare because I'm a teacher... but as a teacher I don't get to choose AL so there was a week before I broke up for Xmas that DD's Nursery was only open for unfunded/holiday club hours (closed at 3.30) so it would've been impossible for me to pick her up and also expensive. As a result, her Dad had to book AL for that week, plus the days I've got parents evening because I wouldn't get back before the usual 5.30pm pick up. It is something we discussed before having her, I tell him what days he needs off and he books it! He also works 4 days and changed his non-working day to my staff meeting day in case it over ran. We are a partnership and we are both responsible for sorting childcare out.

I'm so pleased your baby is only young, which gives you time to nip this in the bud.
Here's what you need to do.
Sit down with your husband this evening and say "wow, this has been an intense Christmas! So glad Little Johnny is back to nursery soon. What date does his nursery close next? Have you booked annual leave to cover it?"

When he says he doesn't know the dates and hasn't booked leave, you need to look ASTONISHED. You need to ask him why doesn't he know the dates? There isn't a good answer for this, so he should be embarrassed into action...

If he isn't embarrassed into action, then what you have is a sexist pig for a husband.

(Edit: Oops, this post was in response to a poster further above.)

Reasonable to refer to it as childcare when you're discussing trying to fit looking after children around paid employment, medical appointments, any other life responsibilities. You can hang with your kid, have fun, go on adventures, all that jazz, parenting and spending time with them in that time slot. But only once you've sorted the precise times each adult is available to supervise them. I.e. childcare.

Yeap…

some men thought to themselves…”women working, fabulous! I can now not do that too 😂😂”

just tell him that you booked a week for yourself and watch his dream dying 👀 then tell us!

This definitely needs to be a sit down conversation where holiday expectations are split evenly. So everyone gets a rest. It needs to be 50/50 otherwise resentments grow leading to relationship breakdowns. Honest conversations need to be had.

Future holidays need planning/discussing in advance.

It's the start of a new year, a great time to get the calendar out to start planning ahead - holidays, visiting friends & family and who is covering which days of childcare.

That's what id do. And the childcare woukd be a 50/50 split.

Well now's a good time to have a discussion about how you will both split annual leave moving forward.

It's clear your DH is doing the weaponised incompetence thing, so you can't assume he will suddely stop. Spell it out - nursery holidays are x, y and z, so I suggest we each book leave on these dates, so we can split childcare between us and still both have some down time. (You'll also have to be specific about how you will both manage caring for your child when they are off nursery due to illness.)

Also, split nursery and other child-related costs between you - the saying, 'what we obtain too cheap, we value too lightly' is very true. He doesn't have to suffer any consequences (in time or money) related to your child, so he doesn't even recognise what you do, let alone value it or assign brain space to it.

I’m of the view that with a nursery aged child, your annual leave is probably the freest it will ever be again for nearly 2 decades. You have a few years while both of you can take leave to recuperate without it all being needed for child related stuff. Once they’re in school, it’s an absolute pain in the arse so you’d both better get on the same page now or you’ll be storing up a problem for 3 years time. You will also most likely need to have leave for staggered reception starts, random inset days, school shutting early at the end of term, work celebrations, sports days, nativity etc etc etc. Everyone I know (who is working) with primary aged kids runs out of leave.

Let me guess - he assumed either you or his mother would cover it???

He assumed I would do it. I honestly couldn’t stop smirking (very childish, I know). He was honestly so thick - he said to the mediator “I only get 4 weeks”

So does your ex wife, was her response. She told him straight that he would be using 3 weeks of that to look after his son and paying for 3 1/2 weeks childcare. She was awesome. He did as he was told to be fair.

That sucks, but the key thing is to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Tell your DH how you’ve felt this week and discuss together how to do it differently in future. Don’t assume he has or hasn’t booked leave, talk about it and put your foot down if necessary.

You've allowed this to happen 🤷‍♀️

The thing to consider now is how to create a more equal home because the unfairness and resentment about the unfairness will kill your relationship.

There are a couple of good content creators in Facebook/Insta who thoughtfully dig into the complex cultural/gendered norms that mean many women assume significantly more caring/household duties while many men seem to be oblivious to the imbalance (whether it's conscious or not depends on the individual). And both give good examples of what to look out for, and how to be conscious of sharing both the domestic labour and mental load of family life.
https://www.facebook.com/share/1AnmSgfdh5/
https://www.facebook.com/share/17nj3v2MwU/
https://sheisapaigeturner.substack.com/p/the-good-husband-conundrum

There is a book I've seen recommended too Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It also has a version that includes a set of physical cards to visualise how much each person is carrying. This article is from someone who tried it with her partner
https://medium.com/the-mom-experience/we-tried-fair-play-by-eve-rodsky-heres-what-happened-985465d32f4d

The fact that you are genuinely asking if YABU suggests that you are too drained and exhauted to think straight. Just reading your post made me feel angry on your behalf though I appreciate thats not helpful.This dynamic absolutely has to stop. Is he able to look after his own child? Because he is behaving like a completely entitled man child. So I guess you need to think how do I want this to resolve and what do I do to get there. Do you have an open convo with him or do you plan how to make things fairer and just tell him what he needs to do. I guess you will know better. Good luck!

Great post! Good to know about the book.