To ask how you actually vet for men who don’t watch porn?

[SharpMintBeaker]

I’m not here to argue whether porn is okay, I’ve already decided it’s a dealbreaker for me. What I’m trying to figure out is: how do you tell if someone genuinely doesn’t watch it? Men online always say “I don’t watch it anymore” or “only occasionally” but how do you know it’s not just performative?

Has anyone actually dated (or married) a man who’s never been into it? Or gave it up without being guilted into it? If so, how did you know it was real?

Girl 😭😭

any man who tells you he doesn’t watch porn, just wants to sleep with you

yabu, just date someone with no extreme views either way

My DH doesn’t watch porn but used to when younger. We’ve openly talked about it and he describes when the appeal changed for him, sometime around mid 20s. I think it’s really hard to describe how you can trust someone is telling the truth here, as it requires really knowing someone in all contexts and knowing their attitudes to many facets of life.

All you can do is take people you are dating at face value - the good and the bad - and make your assessments along the way. Make sure your red flag detector is as aware as can be and don’t let things slide because you are too focused on imagined future outcomes as opposed to the actual present.

Not watching porn isn’t an ‘extreme view’. It’s just something you either do or don’t do.

I don't think you can tell for sure tbh. There comes a point when you just have to decide whether to trust them or not.

You can't. It's one of those things you can't control. You can never be 100% sure what someone will do or watch in private.

I think you need accept it's something you can't truly control, otherwise you will drive yourself mad. Either that or if it's too big of a deal breaker, accept that you're unlikely to have a long-term relationship which you will feel comfortable in.

I ask them and see what they say.

Obviously you can't know 100% if they are telling you the truth.

But it's the same as with other deal breakers, isn't it? You ascertain the truth to the best of your ability, keeping in mind always that they could possibly be lying.....

Unless you're going to track their every move, you can never know for sure.

"what sort of porn do you enjoy watching?"

If you ask them directly if they watch it, they will most likely lie so you need to ask the question in a different way.

Not entirely sure if there’s any way except asking and trusting the answer is honest.

Porn is also now so mainstream/ porn tropes so ubiquitous in culture, im not 100% sure how you draw the line? Is it never watching actual porn films? Is ethical porn okay? What about Only Fans? Or following instagram profiles of women who are posing provocatively?

Im not saying what you want isn’t achievable, I just wonder how easy it is to find- and I fear it could end up being something you could end up “policing”‘in a relationship, which also feels icky.

Exactly. Or ask them what they think of porn. Any direct questioning and they are going to have sussed which side you come down on and give you the answer they think you want to hear.

Ive been with DP 16 years and I genuinely have no idea. Never asked.

Honestly, if it's a dealbreaker for you OP, you might have to resign yourself to either being with a liar or being single.

A waste of your time, OP.

I hate to lump all men in together but I really do think the vast majority of men watch it, probably like 95%+

This. Most men watch porn these days. It's so fucking easy to do. They've got a device in their pockets at all times offering 24/7 discreet access to bums and tits (or whatever turns them on). Any man who categorically says he doesn't watch porn is almost certainly lying. I would've stuck hot needles in my eyes so convinced was I that my DH didn't indulge. He was so, so not the "type". But guess what?

One of my friends says he doesn’t watch it snd I believe him as he has no reason to lie to me. So I do believe some men don’t watch it.

But I wouldn’t believe a man that I was dating.

I think you either need to accept that men will lie to you or be ok with them watching it.
There is no way to prove whether someone does or doesn’t watch it.

I guess it’s like asking for someone who doesn’t cheat - you can ask for it and not accuse them of it but you can’t stop it from happening and so you sort of just need to date and if they end up cheating or watching porn in your case, then end it.

The men I’ve met who genuinely don’t watch it are either autistic or asexual.
If you want a man with a sex drive then he probably watches porn. Not saying I like it but it’s just how it is.

A guy I dated didn't watch it. But he's very wary of stuff online in general, and it's very rare for him to order anything online or even download apps. He didn't even have WhatsApp until he met me.

I think you need to focus on finding someone who is relaxed about it all. Like, I’m sure there are men who don’t watch it and never have, but I’m sure most do occasionally. My husband definitely did every now and then which has never bothered me, but since the porn ban he hasn’t because it isn’t a big deal and wasn’t worth the hassle. We talked about it the other day because I read something about people getting VPN’s to watch it, and he was like “who can be bothered with that”.

I think sometimes it’s better to have a healthy attitude towards these things (like with alcohol, gambling, food etc.) rather than be very extreme either way. Sometimes militant abstainers are more indicative of a problem. But also very supportive of some people for whom it’s a massive red flag! Some types of porn and very frequent use would have been for me, but we’ve always been very open about habits like that in my marriage.

There are decent men who understand it’s exploitative and harmful, or who can be educated to understand that. Often you need to create your own feminist partner through conversations. Don’t give up OP!

There's no way of being sure but some communities are less likely to. Very conservative Christian branches (I'm thinking Plymouth brethren or in the US, the Amish) have such rigid restrictions on technology use and are so puritanical that the odds are going to be in your favour, but the price to pay for that internet or phone use yourself, no sex before marriage, and having to wear a little hats and all dresses all of the time.

The sad thing is, even amongst mainstream Christian community, which mostly either preach waiting until marriage, or at least that sex shouldn't be treated casually, research shows the majority of men confess to struggling with porn use.

It shouldn't be a huge ask, but a lot of men are very poor self control, and don't see the harm in it. I'm not sure where I stand personally as a woman. I would watch it (but haven't very occasionally in the distant past. I do like a bit of erotic fiction though.

Yes, but doesn't really mean we like it. Sometimes it's just to relax or get sleep.

Poor things.

Medicinal purposes only, eh.

I would recommend writing a questionnaire perhaps lol. There’s literally no way to ask that without sounding weird

I'm sorry, what?? If you don't like it then why would you watch it to relax?