To ask how you actually vet for men who don’t watch porn?

[SharpMintBeaker]

I’m not here to argue whether porn is okay, I’ve already decided it’s a dealbreaker for me. What I’m trying to figure out is: how do you tell if someone genuinely doesn’t watch it? Men online always say “I don’t watch it anymore” or “only occasionally” but how do you know it’s not just performative?

Has anyone actually dated (or married) a man who’s never been into it? Or gave it up without being guilted into it? If so, how did you know it was real?

"have ever watched" is not the same as "watch" in the present.

Given that we normally have protestations that "not all men are like that" for any other topic, it's curious that on this occasion some women are so determined to protest that ALL men are like that.

This is me. Discussed with DH early on feminism, sexism, violence against women etc we talked about this for months and still do now.
He could have lied to me since day 1 but he could be lying about hundreds of things - I have to trust.

Sadly yes..

Yep, paintings like the Venus of Urbino were also hung in young married couples' bedrooms to ahem...excite them.

What's the 'good stuff'? Especially graphic?

Wouldn't know, I've never indulged.

I see

I saw a woman talking about how she rocks a full bush as it weeds out so many misogynistic men. I’ve joined that camp. I can’t be 100% but I do believe my partner quit porn when I said it’s a firm boundary for me and would be a dumpable offence. He said he o ly did it when single. I believe him because he doesn’t see women as commodities which is how porn frames women.

i 100% don’t think you need to adjust expectations or resign yourself to be single. I think it’s sad so many women believe this to be the case. Maybe most men can’t quit the porn that doesn’t mean we have to access that!

It'll be tough to find one who doesn't. 90% watching it sounds like a reasonable guess.

I think you will be able to tell by all other elements of his behaviour. I’m dating a man who I genuinely believe has no interest in porn. Every other man I’ve dated has clearly been influenced by it, which you either find out by having an open conversation, or by how they behave in bed.

this guy has read feminist literature, has absolutely the most incredible respect and understanding, and is gentle and kind in every element of his personality. I would be deeply deeply shocked if he did turn out to secretly watch porn, I think I’ve probably consumed far more than he has.

so yeah, look for how he speaks about women, or other marginalised groups, look for anything he says that might suggest being a fan of power play, etc, and I suspect you’ll get some clues.

@Pifflepafflewifflewaffle
so yeah, look for how he speaks about women, or other marginalised groups, look for anything he says that might suggest being a fan of power play, etc, and I suspect you’ll get some clues.

Some women seem to have such bizarre ideas about men and their sexuality. Most men who use / watch porn will have no interest at all in recreating it with their partners, and even the most respectful, feminist-sympathising, decent men will happily watch the stuff and never give any indication of it. They're not all gooners and pervs. For most of them, it's just brief background stimulation while they get off before falling asleep. They don't even connect it with their real-life relationships.

I don’t think there are any that don’t. Not nowadays & the accessibility of it so easily. Is viewed as normal virtually now sadly. I don’t think any man can truthfully say they don’t. Yep jaundiced, horrible cynic that I am. And I don’t mean all men are subscribing to OF, webcams & have a time consuming addiction. I just think that most men wank regularly & your phone is literally in the other hand. Why wouldn’t they? Sorry I hate it as much as the next person.

There will be men who watch rarely, and maybe can’t recall when they last did it.

But the number of men who’ve not looked at anything in the last 1, 3, 5 years is going to be very, very small. That’s what I personally struggle to believe.

And not everyone wants to watch video porn…

But no explicit photos, or even just titillating ones? Nothing at all for years on end?

@LlynTegid
I suppose there now in the UK could become a point in a relationship where you could find out if they had a VPN or not, and if they did, it would suggest porn is watched likely.

I don't know anyone - male, female, single, married, straight, gay - in IT, security, professional consultancy or any other business where you learn about how the internet works, who doesn't have a VPN on their professional devices, all home devices, their phones and their kids' phones. Now you've pointed out that there's only one reason anyone would do that, I shall certainly view all of them in a very different light.

I'll also be getting rid of my own VPN of course, just to make sure I don't fall under suspicion.

Op, you will never know. So, if it is such a dealbreaker you are better off being single. You won’t have peace of mind otherwise. I think most men view porn. It is so easily accessible now. And I do think those women on here who are categorically saying their DH, partner etc doesn’t now, or never has, are deluded. Not sneering at them in any way, but I do think they are naïve.

I've resigned myself to the fact that the vast vast majority of men use porn and aren't likely to be honest about it if you ask. The clues in their behaviour tell you if that's something you can live with - their behaviour in the bedroom being the main one in my experience.

Men who can't finish without porn, or death grip syndrome, or regularly needing certain porn signature moves are big indicators to me. I had a partner who could only finish by wanking over my face or body. Any attempts to get him to finish 'inside' made him go soft and unable to do it. That was a major turn off for me and a death knell for our relationship.

A bit of a futile task OP. Like asking your other half if they fantasise about someone else during sex.

I’m surprised so many posters think that all men routinely watch porn. What do you think men did before the advent of the camera? Men having a wank somehow managed to get by for thousands of years before that.

The men I know who don’t watch porn are the men who understand the realities of the porn industry. The scale of the content that’s nonconsensual/revenge porn/trafficked/blackmailed women etc means that if you watch it, you’ve likely watched a non trivial percentage of porn which has a pretty stomach turning tale behind it. Men who’ve taken a good hard look at what feeds into the industry and have a shred of morals either select their pornography very careful or use their imaginations. It’s a lot like what happens if you take everyday shoppers to visit a battery chicken farm - those battery farmed hens suddenly don’t look quite so appealing.

If you’re looking to vet men you’re dating then I’d suggest asking some of the questions other posters have suggested to get a sense of their porn habits, and go from there. Find someone with a good moral compass who’s not afraid to look at what he’s consuming realistically.

What @daisychain01 said.

I think asking for a partner alive in this era who has literally never seen any porn is a lot to ask. I do however think there are more men than you would fear who don’t seek it out and who have a porn history that is minimal. I am genuinely certain that dp doesn’t routinely watch it, though no doubt if I explained my reasons for believing that many women would think I was lying - I know the websites he goes on, I know his interests and we have a lot of sex so I know how intimacy works for him. I’ve had a lot of partners, including some really heavy porn users, and you can I think tell quite a bit from how they have sex. Tbh I use it a lot myself but stick to written porn as I think it is less unethical.

How do you know they don’t watch porn. Why would they tell you if they do?! Perhaps you can introduce them to the OP?

@Imbrocator
I’m surprised so many posters think that all men routinely watch porn. What do you think men did before the advent of the camera? Men having a wank somehow managed to get by for thousands of years before that.

They went to burlesque, stripteases and peep shows and wanked in the dark under their coats, along with a bunch of other men in the audience.

Or, like Leopold Bloom in Ulysses, they spent all day perving over various women, then masturbated in public while watching them.

Or they just drew or painted naked women, or bought drawings and paintings other men had done.

DH says he doesn’t watch it or approve of it and I believe him. He’s pro feminist in his views, supportive of mine and often laments how obvious it is that modern beauty standards are influenced by pornography. We’re both concerned about the impact of men watching pornography on women, and men’s expectations of women, and he was even before we had a DD.

He’s quite a geeky, academic man, who usually spends free time reading about economics and listening to history podcasts. I’m not saying there is a “type” of man who watches pornography, but I’m pretty sure my DH isn’t one of them. He also knows how strongly I disapprove of it.

Re women in porn being trafficked: I am aware of serious issues in the industry and even if everyone were theoretically happy & consenting I still don't think industries commodifying sex are good.

Otoh I think it's probably true that some women do enjoy working in porn. Ofc surveys etc need to be treated with caution but these 2 seem to indicate at least some.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/homo-consumericus/201212/are-porn-actresses-damaged-goods/amp

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/homo-consumericus/201405/why-do-women-become-porn-actresses

From what I've read of happy hooker type escorts, who tend to have conventional good looks, other money sources, education, high sex drive and desire to experiment and ability to vet clients, I suspect women who enjoy working in porn are probably similar. A very distinct group who should not be used to legitimise porn as a whole.

You dont. They all watch it

I don’t think DH watches it. We’ve been married 29 years and it wasn’t a thing when he was the age to start- more like magazines in the top shelf!!
He doesn’t have the time or the privacy. Also don’t you need a VPN now?