To ask how you actually vet for men who don’t watch porn?

[SharpMintBeaker]

I’m not here to argue whether porn is okay, I’ve already decided it’s a dealbreaker for me. What I’m trying to figure out is: how do you tell if someone genuinely doesn’t watch it? Men online always say “I don’t watch it anymore” or “only occasionally” but how do you know it’s not just performative?

Has anyone actually dated (or married) a man who’s never been into it? Or gave it up without being guilted into it? If so, how did you know it was real?

You can’t really “screen” for it. I think you have to take it on trust.

I hate porn but I don’t think absolutely any man who has ever watched it ever in the history of mankind is automatically an arsehole.

A lot of men have dabbled with it when young, partly out of curiosity and partly to keep up with their peers, and rapidly figure out its a bit of a sewer.

I would avoid a heavy porn user like the plague but I wouldnt expect to be able to tell someone who had looked at it a bit in their teens. Everyone should be given the chance to move past their mistakes.

You can't vet for a man's porn usage, it's a simple as that.

what you can do is get to know someone for a meaningful amount of time to know his character and how he responds to women in general. Is he respectful to women, does he choose not to ogle at women walking down the street, does he show no interest in other women during the relationship. Oh and not asking their partner to do things that can only have been picked up by regular porn use.

there is no caste iron guarantees in life, but a man who shows himself to be respectful, kind and focused on making a life with the person they are with, will be less likely to need porn.

nobody on here will every be able to give you a guarantee @SharpMintBeaker just make sure you don't turn a blind eye to behaviours that suggest they disrespect women, because someone who respects women won't want that in their life.

Unfortunately too many people on here make the sweeping generalisation that "all men do it" without any justification other than their extremely limited experience.

Obviously you can't.

You can't.

I think this is a difficult thing to vet up front. Similar to any other values issue, you'll work it out as you get to know someone. A person can tell you what they believe their values are, but you'll only know whether they really hold to them when you see them in action.

My DH doesn't watch porn. I asked him when we'd been together for a while, by which point I also knew he was honest and therefore could trust the answer.

Yeah dh didn’t have a mobile phone of his own til last year so didn’t have the access

You can't, and I'd say you shouldn't be vetting for your partner's masturbatory habits full stop (imagine if a man tried to police yours).

You should be able to ascertain shared values around sexual ethics in many other ways. I don't think whether a man watches porn or not is especially meaningful on that front.

Date a Godly man who believes watching porn/lusting in any form apart from for your wife within the confines of marriage is a sin!

Lots (most) of men who who have decided to follow Jesus know how detrimental porn / lust is and try their upmost to have nothing to do with it. Loads of men at my church are anti pornography and hate what it stands for.

Only catch is they believe in marriage before sex, and also won't date a non christian who doesn't share the same beliefs and values 😊

10/10 would recommend

Any men lurking on this thread are crying with laughter at the naivete I'm sure. Even the Christians and ones without a phone.

Tbh you'd have more luck as a lesbian. No man doesn't watch porn and if they tell you they don't you have found an outright liar. Better to know upfront I guess!

You’ll never know, I just assume 99.9% do.

🤣 I agree.

What’s wrong with watching porn???

What’s wrong with watching porn???

Men online always say “I don’t watch it anymore” or “only occasionally” but how do you know it’s not just performative?

If it's a dealbreaker for you then you should rule the 'only occasionally' ones out straight away.

It’s hilarious isn’t it!

I really don't think anyone should care if men who lurk on MN are laughing at them 😂😂 It's a fairly pathetic thing for men to do.

Personally I don't have an issue with porn but some women do and I'm not sure why people always feel the need to mock them.

Porn ban.

I don’t think it’s any of my business whether my husband watches porn in his alone time or not. And I wouldn’t think him for policing what I did in my alone time.

I suppose it makes them feel superior.

I really don't think anyone should care if men who lurk on MN are laughing at them 😂😂 It's a fairly pathetic thing for men to do

exactly…or other posters

if you asked me if my adult sons watched porn i would have to say that I don’t know, but they have phones and computers I don’t have access to 🤷🏻 oh or dd…don’t know about her either

And obviously dh could be looking now 😀 unlikely but certainly possible

I don’t think my husband watches porn. He’s definitely not a religious zealot or asexual. He just views it as a tacky and exploitative. We’ve been together for 30 years and never watched a porn movie together 🤷‍♀️

I just laughed out loud so hard at this, I woke my dog up and he farted in surprise!

Weird.
I watch but certainly don't feel like it makes me superior in any way, or 'cooler' or more open-minded or anything like that which people must tell themselves when they mock a woman who is against it.

I can see the many issues with porn and can absolutely see why some people would have an issue with it given the very obvious ethical issues.

But sounds like you're right, people are the same with cocaine, if you're against it and think it's scummy then people make out you're silly and naive and that 'everyone does it' and it's mostly harmless.

Of course there are more porn watchers than cocaine users so yes it will be a struggle for someone to find a man who doesn't watch it but she certainly doesn't deserve any mockery.

I don't think it is harmless at all, for clarity, and it is definitely a contributing factor to a large number of divorces and relationship break ups. Men often choose porn over wives and real partners, pretend they have stopped and in many cases buy porn that is specialist, in my experience. If you don't think your husband or partner ever watches it I suspect that is what people are calling naive. In my case an ex was so addicted he physically couldn't have sex because he couldn't stay hard long enough - the angle wasn't the same and he had to "see" what was going on because he was so desensetised. That's a relationship killer alone!