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Original poster

To ask how you actually vet for men who don’t watch porn?

272 replies

SharpMintBeaker · 01/01/2026 16:32

I’m not here to argue whether porn is okay, I’ve already decided it’s a dealbreaker for me. What I’m trying to figure out is: how do you tell if someone genuinely doesn’t watch it? Men online always say “I don’t watch it anymore” or “only occasionally” but how do you know it’s not just performative?

Has anyone actually dated (or married) a man who’s never been into it? Or gave it up without being guilted into it? If so, how did you know it was real?

OP posts:
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6
Papyrophile · 04/01/2026 17:01

I have inherited a few books, via my late DM and my ILs that suggest that saucy pictures have been part of normal couple's lives since the 1940s, which is the publication date. The photos are B/W. If a couple took their marriage vows seriously, forswearing all others, then a look at another body might cheer on an elderly woman to imagine a younger less saggy partner. At 70, with a much loved DH who has been incapable (health/heart) for several years, I confess that I would still like a great shag every other week. But I am not going out to get one.

Carla786 · 04/01/2026 17:08

Pigeonpoodle · 04/01/2026 09:14

This is an anonymous forum. No one has to post anything they don’t want to, and when they do post, there’s no way of tracing who has posted it (unless they deliberately post “outing” details).

I just wonder if there’s a disconnect between we say we want from men, and what we actually want from them deep down. We want a man to be kind and gentle, and who has tamed his primal sexual instincts…. And yet, we also yearn from a strong and assertive man who leads in the bedroom. We want it all, and I wonder if that’s possible. I think it is possible for strong, assertive men to also be respectful and kind… just that society seems to emasculate and feminise men.

Show quote history

Not all of us want to be sexually 'lead' by men.

Re this : also yearn from a strong and assertive man who leads in the bedroom.

Carla786 · 04/01/2026 17:09

Pigeonpoodle · 04/01/2026 09:14

This is an anonymous forum. No one has to post anything they don’t want to, and when they do post, there’s no way of tracing who has posted it (unless they deliberately post “outing” details).

I just wonder if there’s a disconnect between we say we want from men, and what we actually want from them deep down. We want a man to be kind and gentle, and who has tamed his primal sexual instincts…. And yet, we also yearn from a strong and assertive man who leads in the bedroom. We want it all, and I wonder if that’s possible. I think it is possible for strong, assertive men to also be respectful and kind… just that society seems to emasculate and feminise men.

Show quote history

How do you think our society emasculates and feminises men?

cinquanta · 04/01/2026 17:37

What are you doing with your spare time that you notice the relentless rise of incest fantasies? Where are you noticing this?

Wellthisisrevealing · 04/01/2026 17:40

cinquanta · 04/01/2026 17:37

What are you doing with your spare time that you notice the relentless rise of incest fantasies? Where are you noticing this?

If that's to me. The most viewed in the uk sections on lots of uk porn and lit erotica websites heavily features step family content.
The landing pages of lots of the sites show you what's most popular and it's a change from when I worked in the industry and wasn't particularly requested

cinquanta · 04/01/2026 17:46

Wellthisisrevealing · 04/01/2026 17:40

If that's to me. The most viewed in the uk sections on lots of uk porn and lit erotica websites heavily features step family content.
The landing pages of lots of the sites show you what's most popular and it's a change from when I worked in the industry and wasn't particularly requested

Show quote history

No, it was to @PermanentTemporary

I thought I had included a quote.

JHound · 04/01/2026 17:56

Pigeonpoodle · 04/01/2026 08:09

For those of you with partners who you fully trust not to use porn ever, I’m intrigued to know what your sex life is like, and what these men are like in bed.

I have a suspicion that those men that are very “respectful” and “kind” in the bedroom, rather than the sort to give you a good, hard fucking…I.e they’ve become feminised…. though I’m ready to accept I may be I’m wrong on this.

Edited

Ew.

As a side note my experience is that sexual experiences that are “kind” and “respectful” tend to be more pleasurable than those where the man is just hiving a “hard fucking” which is all about him and makes you feel like he is wanking with your body.

JHound · 04/01/2026 18:00

Pigeonpoodle · 04/01/2026 09:14

This is an anonymous forum. No one has to post anything they don’t want to, and when they do post, there’s no way of tracing who has posted it (unless they deliberately post “outing” details).

I just wonder if there’s a disconnect between we say we want from men, and what we actually want from them deep down. We want a man to be kind and gentle, and who has tamed his primal sexual instincts…. And yet, we also yearn from a strong and assertive man who leads in the bedroom. We want it all, and I wonder if that’s possible. I think it is possible for strong, assertive men to also be respectful and kind… just that society seems to emasculate and feminise men.

Show quote history

Who is “we”?

Speak for yourself and yourself alone.

JHound · 04/01/2026 18:02

Pigeonpoodle · 04/01/2026 09:14

This is an anonymous forum. No one has to post anything they don’t want to, and when they do post, there’s no way of tracing who has posted it (unless they deliberately post “outing” details).

I just wonder if there’s a disconnect between we say we want from men, and what we actually want from them deep down. We want a man to be kind and gentle, and who has tamed his primal sexual instincts…. And yet, we also yearn from a strong and assertive man who leads in the bedroom. We want it all, and I wonder if that’s possible. I think it is possible for strong, assertive men to also be respectful and kind… just that society seems to emasculate and feminise men.

Show quote history

Also what is wrong with a feminine man? You sound sexist (and “emasculate” is not a thing. It’s sexism rooted in misogyny which is why there is no female equivalent of “emasculate.”)

Carla786 · 04/01/2026 18:46

Pigeonpoodle · 04/01/2026 08:09

For those of you with partners who you fully trust not to use porn ever, I’m intrigued to know what your sex life is like, and what these men are like in bed.

I have a suspicion that those men that are very “respectful” and “kind” in the bedroom, rather than the sort to give you a good, hard fucking…I.e they’ve become feminised…. though I’m ready to accept I may be I’m wrong on this.

Edited

🤮 Plenty of women don't want that, or not all the time.

Leaving aside lesbians & bi women (like me) who prefer to date women, but are also effected by the warped expectations porn often gives men.

Carla786 · 04/01/2026 18:47

JHound · 04/01/2026 18:02

Also what is wrong with a feminine man? You sound sexist (and “emasculate” is not a thing. It’s sexism rooted in misogyny which is why there is no female equivalent of “emasculate.”)

Show quote history

Exactly. The principle of 'emasculate' is that masculinity possesses a strength that femininity doesn't and must be guarded.

Carla786 · 04/01/2026 18:49

Pigeonpoodle · 04/01/2026 08:29

Also, doesn’t the type of porn matter?…. Not all of it is extreme.

Some men who may have major issues about watching random clips of unknown women engaging in degrading acts, may feel ok about a well-established pornstar (ie one who’s obviously not trafficked) having normal, non-violent sex, or even just images of a hot topless model.

I have a feeling that some women’s real issue with porn is objectification of women - which is fair enough - but that they use the more compelling argument that porn necessarily involves trafficked women being raped.

And that even if someone could prove that some particular porn was made with consenting adults without coercion, their objection would actually remain. In other words, the moral objection they use, isn’t actually the moral objection they actually have.

I agree it's silly to conflate top less photos with filmed sex.

Emptyandsad · 05/02/2026 10:51

bombastix · 01/01/2026 19:13

Good point. VPN… well then you don’t really need to ask

Show quote history

I'm not sure a VPN is necessarily the smoking gun you think it is. I used to travel a lot and had a VPN to allow me to watch my UK-based TV subscriptions - SKY, BBC IPlayer etc, mainly for football matches - and never for porn

I suspect that, VPN or not, the vast majority of men use porn, at least occasionally; I also suspect that plenty of women use it, but not nearly as compulsively as men do (but that is just my un-informed, non-scientific personal prejudices speaking). The statistics on porn use and the size of the porn economy are staggering. This for a thing that seems to be available for free in huge quantities. Who is paying for this, and why?

OonaStubbs · 06/02/2026 18:08

I don't think it is possible. The vast majority of men do watch it. I'd be more suspicious of a man who is adamant that he doesn't. It's a private, personal matter.

Scabadadabadooo · 06/02/2026 18:12

I don't think you can ever be sure. I was so sure once, I'd have put my house on him not being a porn a watcher. Porn was a deal breaker for me and he knew it.
Turned out he had a porn addiction. It would be funny if it wasn't so bloody awful!
Now I'll never trust anyone who says they don't watch porn again.

DinoLil · 06/02/2026 19:52

Online porn is similar to 'mucky mags' from years ago.

Go back to the Romans and the graffiti in Pompei.

There are more restrictions in place now for viewing online.

But to vet a guy as to whether or not he looks at it? What about vetting women watching as well? What you do in your private life, getting off on watching videos of pets doing daft things, car engines, kite flying, well, guess what? It's private.

No way would I ever date a guy who tells me what I can and can't watch. I would never dictate what he could or couldn't watch either.

Not a deal breaker for me. And if it is for you, prepared to be single for the rest of your life.

Tpu · 07/02/2026 18:27

DinoLil · 06/02/2026 19:52

Online porn is similar to 'mucky mags' from years ago.

Go back to the Romans and the graffiti in Pompei.

There are more restrictions in place now for viewing online.

But to vet a guy as to whether or not he looks at it? What about vetting women watching as well? What you do in your private life, getting off on watching videos of pets doing daft things, car engines, kite flying, well, guess what? It's private.

No way would I ever date a guy who tells me what I can and can't watch. I would never dictate what he could or couldn't watch either.

Not a deal breaker for me. And if it is for you, prepared to be single for the rest of your life.

Gosh, you sound defensive!

She isn’t saying men can’t watch porn, she’s saying that she is going to choose not to be in a relationship with them.

I don’t need to scroll through their history, I can just ask, and usually they’ll just say what their actual habits and preferences are. I can also just say “porn’s a complete No for me” and act on that if he tries to bring it into a relationship.

It has never ever stopped me being single, it just at weeds about people that would be going in the bin anyway. No Big Deal!

landlordhell · 07/02/2026 18:50

DinoLil · 06/02/2026 19:52

Online porn is similar to 'mucky mags' from years ago.

Go back to the Romans and the graffiti in Pompei.

There are more restrictions in place now for viewing online.

But to vet a guy as to whether or not he looks at it? What about vetting women watching as well? What you do in your private life, getting off on watching videos of pets doing daft things, car engines, kite flying, well, guess what? It's private.

No way would I ever date a guy who tells me what I can and can't watch. I would never dictate what he could or couldn't watch either.

Not a deal breaker for me. And if it is for you, prepared to be single for the rest of your life.

Ooooh no it’s far more lurid .

JanBlues2026 · 07/02/2026 18:58

Tpu · 07/02/2026 18:27

Gosh, you sound defensive!

She isn’t saying men can’t watch porn, she’s saying that she is going to choose not to be in a relationship with them.

I don’t need to scroll through their history, I can just ask, and usually they’ll just say what their actual habits and preferences are. I can also just say “porn’s a complete No for me” and act on that if he tries to bring it into a relationship.

It has never ever stopped me being single, it just at weeds about people that would be going in the bin anyway. No Big Deal!

Show quote history

Unfortunately, I think you would be more likely to end up dating liars as the vast majority of men will use some porn.

Spinnering · 07/02/2026 19:40

JanBlues2026 · 07/02/2026 18:58

Unfortunately, I think you would be more likely to end up dating liars as the vast majority of men will use some porn.

Show quote history

You can never know anyone inside and out or how honest they’re being about things like this, but if that’s your preference all you can do is ask and try to discern if they’re being truthful or not.

Zanatdy · 07/02/2026 19:45

I never knew father of my DC to watch it. Guy I dated a few years ago was heavily into it, which wasn’t an issue for me as was a short relationship largely focussed on sex and we watched some together. If that had turned into a proper relationship i’m sure his porn addiction would have bothered me a lot.

Tpu · 07/02/2026 21:58

JanBlues2026 · 07/02/2026 18:58

Unfortunately, I think you would be more likely to end up dating liars as the vast majority of men will use some porn.

Show quote history

I think there is a really fundamental difference here.
you seem to think women are silly or naive for having a No Porn standard within their relationship.

I disagree.

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