To ask how you actually vet for men who don’t watch porn?

[SharpMintBeaker]

I’m not here to argue whether porn is okay, I’ve already decided it’s a dealbreaker for me. What I’m trying to figure out is: how do you tell if someone genuinely doesn’t watch it? Men online always say “I don’t watch it anymore” or “only occasionally” but how do you know it’s not just performative?

Has anyone actually dated (or married) a man who’s never been into it? Or gave it up without being guilted into it? If so, how did you know it was real?

I'm not mocking the women. I strongly object to porn, but I'm just not kidding myself about the fact that pretty much all men watch it, even if only once in a blue moon. This includes the ones who in principle don't agree with it, and tell their wives so (or that they can't be bothered to use a VPN, or only did it in their youth and didn't inhale...).

They're not all morally bankrupt perverts you know, they're just normal decent men. They still watch porn sometimes, even if they know it's wrong, and understand all the feminist reasons why.

I have an issue with intensively-farmed meat, but I occasionally eat non-free range chicken all the same. I don't like that I do it, but I do.

I'm sure all men have watched porn at some point in their lives. I don't think all men regularly or currently watch porn.

I don't think it is something you can vet up front. If you ask up front in the early stages of dating I don't think most men would admit to it. So where does that leave you?

Just use the same approach you would for dating a man who you know will definitely never cheat or lie.

There's a % that don't.

I don't think that people who watch it are morally bankrupt perverts, (I watch it myself) but you also don't have to think that people who watch it are morally bankrupt perverts to have an issue with it. It's ok to not want a partner who watches it.

I mentioned cocaine in my previous comment, I don't agree with cocaine use and think it's scummy, does that mean I think everyone who uses it is a scumbag? absolutely not, but I still would not be with someone who used it.

Nail on the head. Don't make it into a "potential conflict" question where he may be reserved or lie about the answer and tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Make it so that you make him think you actually want to hear what kind of porn he watches, as a conversation starter. He'll probably be more open if he thinks you're into watching porn yourself, whether you are or not. I think it's a safe assumption that the majority of men watch porn so it's pretty unlikely he doesn't look at porn and even less likely he's never looked at porn. If you have a non potential conflicting conversation starter you're far more likely to get something closer to an honest answer. He's highly unlikely to admit to watching extreme porn straight up, but more likely to admit to "tame" stuff and you can then have a proper conversation.

I am fairly sure my DH doesn't watch porn now. He's nearly 70 and not capable of sustaining an erection. But as we have discussed what he did when he was younger and single in Arabia, the only bits of porn he recounts were Debbie Does Dallas and something that involved a dwarf with an outsize member. I think it used to be mostly comic

It is okay to not want a partner who watches it, sure, but you are reducing your dating pool to almost zero by making it a dealbreaker.

My point is, even the men who say they don't agree with porn and say they don't watch it, occasionally still watch it anyway.

I suppose you could casually suggest that you watch some together, and see what he says? If he says no, then you can probably assume he genuinely doesn’t watch it.

Imo the key is whether it includes choking, aggressive sex , but obviously so much of the industry includes coercion, including Onlyfans, that you can never really know if it's ethical.

IME the people who say they’re against it are the ones who watch it the most.

Most men will just admit they watch it every now and then.

It’s also probability that men who aren’t having sex (especially if they’ve never had sex before) are going to be looking at things like this much more than men who have a regular sex life.

Some people are fine to reduce their dating pool and would rather be single rather than put up with something that is a deal breaker for them.

Unfortunately, porn is a huge problem in the church - men might say they dont watch it and are against it but studies show approx 67% of men in church struggle with porn

I think you’ve got the most chance of finding out if you ask the question what type of porn do you like rather than do you watch porn?

My DH and I had never discussed it (I watch it myself) and I was curious so I asked and he replied blow jobs but not very often . I take that to mean he watches blow job porn every couple of days.

I don't recommend you try to trick a man by asking 'so..... what type of porn do you like then?' - it's bound to get his back up, it's basically a dishonest tactic.

Instead, early-ish in the relationship, just tell him it's a requirement if he wants to be with you that he doesn't watch it.

If it's a serious thing for you, treat it seriously and discuss it in an adult way.

I suppose there now in the UK could become a point in a relationship where you could find out if they had a VPN or not, and if they did, it would suggest porn is watched likely.

However, that is only for the last few months and so has no indication of historic watching.

My DH used to when he was younger. Well, we're old so it was when porn mags were found in bushes lol.

The industry is a fucking disgrace and he doesn't watch it and hasn't for as long as I am aware.

He used to work in probation with domestic abuse offenders and I think this completely changed his outlook of how women are viewed and treated.

I know all these women are like 'you're kidding yourself if you think your husband doesn't watch porn' 🙄 blah blah blah, but he definitely doesn't compartmentalise women into 'mum, daughter, wife and then 'trafficked women I can watch getting fucked in every orifice so I can have a wank'

The only way you can tell is if you ask, they say no, and you trust him.

Yes, and good for them. All I am saying is, the women in this thread who are sure their husbands don't watch it are probably not actually married to unicorns.

Theres no such man

An asexual man is what you want. Except you dont.

Good point. VPN… well then you don’t really need to ask

And there you have it 🙄. Women telling other women if their husband doesn't watch porn, they're liars and your dumb for believing them.

Honestly ladies, these men DO exist and if your bar is so low that you're with a man who thinks it's normal to watch women being degraded, just so they can masturbate, then it's your own fault.

This is not something you can police. If he says he doesn’t, believe him. If you catch him at it, dump him.

I think it is pretty likely that most men have watched porn at some stage, or occasionally.

Surely less are regular users though, and still less are into violent/humiliating porn.

Fwiw, here's a 2022 YouGov survey.

Three-quarters of British men (76%) say they have ever watched porn, compared to around half of women (53%). Around a third of men (36%) say they watch pornography at least once a week, including 13% who watch porn every day or most days, while just 4% of women say they watch porn at least once a week.

I do think young men use most & probably older men are less likely to use it heavily.

https://yougov.co.uk/society/articles/42945-how-often-do-britons-watch-porn

I think that if you ask a guy what kind of porn he watches, you will 100% be giving him a boner and he will think he's found a kinky one

And then you'll say "Sorry, I was just tricking you. Not interested"

Not the greatest interaction ever. I wouldn't suggest doing that in person!

According to that YouGov poll, 76% of British men have watched at some stage. That doesn't mean they're regular users though

Well if he watches degrading or violent porn it is, imo. Moreover, a lot of porn, including Onlyfans, involves women (and sometimes men) who are not really consenting.

It's similar to other transactions selling sex, many women rightly feel that making sex a commodity demeans women