To ask how you actually vet for men who don’t watch porn?

[SharpMintBeaker]

I’m not here to argue whether porn is okay, I’ve already decided it’s a dealbreaker for me. What I’m trying to figure out is: how do you tell if someone genuinely doesn’t watch it? Men online always say “I don’t watch it anymore” or “only occasionally” but how do you know it’s not just performative?

Has anyone actually dated (or married) a man who’s never been into it? Or gave it up without being guilted into it? If so, how did you know it was real?

I am sad to read the posts here from women who genuinely believe their husbands/partners/ministers do not watch it. Because they’re being lied to.

All men look at porn every now and then. Some of them kid themselves they don’t really ‘use’ it because they look at it only occasionally. This is something you realise as you get older and get to know men, and yes I think it’s really sad, & that the flood of porn has corrupted our lives and spirits & that those pushing it & profiting from it are vile, vile people.

Think about sex with your partner. Does he ever look at his own penis as it moves in and out of you? That’s because of porn.

All you can do is look for a man who behaves decently to the real women in his life, wants to have sex with you regularly, & when he does so clearly wants you to enjoy it - really to enjoy it, not just put on some weird porn style performance. Then he’s probably not watching too much of it- but yes, he will be watching some.

Looking at their penis during sex does not mean they watch porn. 😂

I think it's like anything else people find unacceptable within a relationship, be upfront about your boundary, let them decide if they wish to agree to accepting and sticking to that boundary, trust that they will, and if they don't leave.

In the 90s, prior to getting married to my husband in 2000, I was with an older man for 6 years and for 4 of those we lived together. Towards the end of the relationship I found 3 video cassettes he’d rented from the blue section of the video club we were members in, but on a separate card I knew nothing about! He’d hidden them in the bottom of the wardrobe and I came across them whilst putting something away. His general attitude to porn was different to mine…. We had discussed it. Ok, no biggie. The thing that got me was not the porn so much as the intentional sneaking about…. Can’t say that it went down well with me and it really put me off. My thoughts being that if you’ll go to that length of hiding stuff from me, what else will you do?

ALL single men watch porn, unless they're asexual/have no sex drive.

MOST partnered men watch porn.

There may be a small number of men, who are in relationships, that don't watch it because their partner has asked them not to, but only if they're getting regular sex. Otherwise, that will go out of the window very quickly.

I find it really odd that so many people are so adamant that all men use porn. The surveys we have indicate that is not true. Yes there might be underreporting in the survey but it’s certainly going to be more accurate than your anecdotal knowledge.

I think the women who are saying all men watch it are showing a real distaste for men as a class. What other thing can you say that all men do? Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds? Men are not a homogenous lump any more than women are - they are individuals who have preferences, likes and dislikes, morals and values. The bizarre objectification (yes really) of men in this thread says a lot about the people making those comments.

A huge majority do though. At least 75% of men own up to it

Just the top 3 porn sites of thousands and thousands of sites has more hits than Wikipedia, chatgpt, Twitter Instagram etc. Youd be amazed how high up pornsites are in viewing figures for the uk compared to other big sites

That doesn't include the fact that somepeople will be on google, reddit looking at porn which pushes them higher up than the traditional sites

I have this perspective after sleeping with several men who would try to choke me without consent the first time we had sex, so I would have to disagree.

What an awful perspective.

I used to have what was a precursor to only fans before it existed. Firstly I'd say there isn't a type, I've seen all sorts of people engaging with my content/me. You name it, I saw it! Including churchy men as previously discussed and feminist men. I had direct contact with some people so know more about them, but i would also say after something went vaguely viral (before it was a thing!) i was surprised at the level of family men in real life that surrounded me in everyday life that deliberately saught me out eg life long family friends of my parents, partners of friends, old teachers etc

There is a sliding scale of porn imo and you have to decide where you sit on whats your line. For example
Seeking out personalised contact
Paying for generic content
1:1 webcamming
Personalised vids + Pics
Free General explicit videos

Then accessing porn on generic sites etc, all the way down to people using unsexualised photos from catalogues or even friends

I would have less of a problem of a partner viewing a porn site for example, then I would if they were using a bikini photo of a friend. Porn isn't a homogeneous lump of things, I know plenty of people who "dont use porn" but do look at lingerie pics for example.

Quite. It’s sad that some women have had such low life male examples.

I don't think you can vet for it really, because majority of men are not going to be entirely honest about their porn use.
I know there will be plenty that don't watch it. There are a lot more who will say they don't, but will secretly consume it occasionally and with shame, and there are those who don't feel ashamed, but wouldn't be honest either and just downplay it.

I think that in the age of the Internet, it's so tied up in male culture, that you'd be better off just avoiding men in this respect.

I don't have a distaste for men at all. Personally, porn doesn't bother me. I just know that the vast vast majority of men, like 99%, will be watching it.

I imagine the surveys say 75% due to a few factors like underreporting, or simply not considering what they watch to be "real" porn because they're looking at it on Instagram or tiktok, and not through a porn site.

You cannot get into his head.
Who does he vote for when alone in the voting booth?
Do you trust?

'Think about sex with your partner. Does he ever look at his own penis as it moves in and out of you? That’s because of porn.'

WTF 😂

VPNs are often free apps, they’re not prohibitive at all.

And a lot of porn isn’t blocked from the Online Safety Act and is visible without a VPN. Google Images are not affected, and plenty of smaller porn sites haven’t complied and don’t have age verification.

Unless a man never uses the toilet, goes to bed at the exact same times as his partner, and generally anything by himself, it’s not possible to know.

I would also add that most people are anti- things but still consume them, like bacon and factory farming. iPhones and modern day slavery. Palm oil in foods. Plastic in everything.

If you’re horny, you might not want to watch a grubby full-length porn video, but you may look up attractive women topless or in bikinis.

Personally, I don’t come from a place of trying to rain on anyone’s parade. I’ve had issues with porn in my relationship and hated it. We managed to work through it and it doesn’t cause issues anymore. I’ve accepted that you can never know if it’s discreet, and not affecting the relationship, certainly without becoming controlling.

They could also be over reporting if they constantly hear ‘everyone watches it.’

But hey, let’s all bow down to your psychic powers.

This is the case for me.

was with XH for 30 years and never saw any evidence that he watched porn, even at the very end.

Since we split it is a conversation I have fairly early on, in a cafe/walk environment.

I can’t know for certain porn isn’t a part of their lives, but I can be clear that it 100% is not part of mine.

That would be nice, if you could. My psychic powers are very well regarded.

This is a very sad viewpoint. Apart from the penis watching bit which is 😂

Anyway, back to the OP. No idea how you’d vet for this.

My husband doesn’t watch porn, watched a couple of films as a teen with mates, but it’s just not his thing. Refused to go on a couple of stags dos where strip clubs were involved. But I didn’t question him about it in the early stages of our relationship, as far as I can remember.

Whilst I think everyone can agree a great majority of men watch pornography or some form of sexual content. I do think it's very damaging to have a view that absolutely all do.

We need to make room to change the narrative. So that young boys and girls grow up thinking it's not a default. Both have choice if they engage or not. We don't want to feed into the narrative that it's not just "normal" but what young boys and girls should be doing. If they dont then somehow boys are not the red hot blooded men they should be. That girls are then "vanilla" or controlling because they don't want their boyfriend getting sexual gratification from outside their relationship. Or a can't beat them join them mentality. I'm yet to meet a girl or women who has must watch pornography on their list of wants in a partner.

It's dangerous to put a blanket statement of all men do and will and if they say they don't they definitely still do. There are young boys as young as 9 to 13 addicted to pornography. They think there is no hope for them. Because "thats just what men do" plenty of forums like your brain on porn website show the utter anguish some are in over pornography use/addiction.

Boys and men are very capable of deciding for themselves they don't want to watch pornography. Some choose not to.
We don't believe women are incapable of this choice. Changing the narrative is the first steps to change.

I don't think mine does now, although he has in the past, as have I.

Firstly because we have had discussions around how unethical it is (as in... women being trafficked, not people watching sex in general). But also because I am not sure when he'd have the opportunity. We live in a tiny house and have four kids, neither of us gets much time/space alone, we have strict controls on our Internet due to having teens and pre-teens...

He also says why would I even bother, when I have the real thing with you?

I believe him.

He'd have to be literally going off to the loos at work or something. Which is a pretty grim thought.

Vpns will get past your Internet controls. Download the Opera browser that comes with a free one. Try it

Don't rely on technology to protect your kids.

I think this is a really valid point

However I do also think we need to be aware of the narrative that it's always some other man. If the current estimate of 82% is correct then it seems unlikely that these are all seedy men and not the men we know and love. The reality is that there's a false certainty that it's other people's husbands, that Internet controls are 100%, and they simply wouldn't have time. Its a false security

Having "worked" in the industry it's absolutely indiscriminate, it's everyone and everywhere and most assurances (especially in regards to teens) are completely inadequate. My experience tells me that people who wish to or have more than a vague passing interest are not impacted by parental control or even the government Id stuff because it's easy to circumvent and there is always time

For me (and i know I'm repeating my self!) people's definition of porn wildly differs. Some people would say they dont access it because they only class it as videos whilst frequently accessing erotic stories, or looking at bikini pics for sexual gratification