Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

I think they are just making sure you’re ok.
They are happily settled and probably want the same for you.
If you have your own property it’s possible , they may worry this man may be after your money - it does happen.
Just reassure them it’s totally plutonic and you have no intentions of a romantic relationship with this man or marriage.

What would be wrong if she did have a romantic relationship though?

Could it be that they find it awkward that you're with someone else? Some children, whatever the age struggle with that.

It's hard when your parent gets a new partner in your 30s. It sounds like they are just trying to figure out whether they have a new family member or not.

I read the op and couldn't figure out if you are a couple or not. Your sons are probably wondering the same. Next time they ask be direct. I.e we are a couple, we are friends with benefits (that should make them stop asking), we are just friends.

I think it’s telling that you say that you wouldn’t know how to define your relationship (with this man) and this is probably what is causing the confusion for your sons - does mum have a friend, a part time lodger or a new partner?
They’re probably worried about you- the same way we worry about them even though they’re grown men

@Roselily123 a "plutonic" relationship sounds positively toxic! I love a good typo 😀

While I wouldn't ask as it is none of my business, in that situation I would be wondering. Is this a romantic relationship or a platonic friendship.
And I don't mean sex (although if you ask your sons why they want to know about your sex life they will probably shut up 🤣)
But are you monogamous or are you both still free to date other people, is this someone you expect to live with as a couple at any point.
If you are genuinely just friends, then presumably he could date someone else at some point?
I would be wondering/concerned that if you couldn't explain what your relationship was then you might not both be on the same page about it.
Do you expect your family to treat him as your spouse, or as a friend?

I'm confused as to what your relationship is. I can understand how your sons are too.

Sorry, but maybe inheritance. If there's a chance you might marry this man that puts their inheritance immediately into jeopardy as a marriage negates previous wills (as I understand it). If you don't immediately update your will after marriage, your husband gets the money.

Why can't you define the relationship? Do you love him? Do you have sexual feelings for him. Is he just a friend? Does he feel the same?

I would think your sons are coming concerned for you. Maybe this man is giving off the wrong vibes to them but you are blind to it? At 65 and 67 neither of you are elderly and it does seem a little strange to have settled for this sort of companionship already rather than lovers, soulmates, romance etc.

Perhaps they don't believe it's a platonic relationship and want to give you tue opportunity to say X is my partner/boyfriend etc.

With no other red flags I would assume your sons concerns are around money.

I think they are just trying to get their head around what the situation is. People like labels and categories, so they know how to respond, behave etc. Standard human behaviour I think.

But, yes, it could be an inheritance worry.

I would just tell them what you have said here. No intention to marry or cohabit. It’s companionship.

They want to know whether to consider him family or not.

if he is family then they will invite him/his daughter to family events - christenings, weddings, family bbqs etc.

if he’s not they won’t

She doesnt have to reassure them of that at all!!!

And its hard enough sometimes to work out what you want from someone else or what that relationship means without other people badgering you to pigeon hole it, they should mind their own business, does OP go on at them about friendships they have?

They will e worried that you will marry him, and then unless a new will is made, your property etc will go to him, and then his child.

My grandmother died aged 67 - my grandfather was 69 at the time. Two years later, he met a woman who moved in with him. My mother and her siblings were very worried about this. As it happened, the new lady died 10 years later, before him, so their worries never came to pass.

It'll be the money, I'm afraid. They'll already have plans for their inheritance and don't want you putting the kibosh on it by a) remarrying or b) living too long.

Gosh! I’d tell them (as politely as I could) to mind their own business.

Id tell them “you live your life the way you want to and leave me to live mine.”

As others have suggested, maybe they’re secretly worried about their inheritance?

Do you query them about how they live their lives? Fo you offer unsolicited advice? Do you comment much on anything they do?

They need to butt out.

I think they may be worried about possible implications for their inheritance.

I’d be concerned about my mum in this situation, I think - not for my inheritance, but because a lot of scammers make a beeline for a well-set-up widow, and they end up fleeced out of their own money in their lifetime. I think I’d just want to sure he was a genuine person. I look out for my parents the same way they look out for me.

Of course they are concerned and I am surprised you are surprised by it, OP.

You are an older single woman and you are their mum. They are just looking out for you and want to be sure you aren't being taken advantage of by a man they don't know.

You should be pleased they care & are concerned.
Then you need to fix the situation by thanking them for their concern and telling them as much as you are comfortable to about the nature of your relationship & your plans for the future - ie are you planning to remarry, are you planning to sell up & move in together?

Presumably they have felt protective towards you since your husband died and just need reassurance from you that you are in control of this new relationship and that you know what you're doing.
Once they understand it I imagine they will back off.

Your relationship, as described, is outside the norms of both friends and partners. Maybe they are confused and want to know more so they don't insult either if you by presuming a man you love is just a friend or a friend is someone you are deeply emotionally attached to

You could easily placate them

Ask them directly why they keep asking and what it is they are worried about.

Hopefully its not inheritance but its best to know.

This! We are all confused reading your post so they are too.