Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

Also just thinking about this from a different point of view, maybe they are worried about you relying too much emotionally on this man - what happens if he decides to start dating again? Maybe they are just worried about you being hurt?

How often do they bring it up?

It is an unusual situation and you don’t seem entirely clear on it yourself so I can understand why they are a little confused.

I wouldn’t have thought they would be thinking about inheritance as they might be if you were say a rich widow in your 90s with a penniless friend in his 50s.

Honestly I think they are probably feeling protective and looking out for you which is a good thing surely. They might also want to clarify what your grandchild will address your companion as.

I'm your age, but remember when my father had a similar arrangement at about this same age after my mother died. We were concerned, but there were multiple red flags. Even if there hadn't been, I would still have been concerned that he was vulnerable having been devoted to my mother for 40 years. He was perfectly able to look after himself, cook, clean (well, manage the cleaners at least), manage finances etc., but he was frankly a bit gullible, overly trusting. They are absolutely right to show interest/concern, and you should be pleased.

A platonic, no intimacy, opposite sex companionship relationship, while co-habiting to some extent, and acting as a couple, is rather unusual I think. Likely some marriages transition to this point, but each of you staying over in each other’s houses, spending a lot of time together, liking being invited as a pair to things - yet no romantic involvement at all, but clearly a very close bond - it’s unusual.

Sons may be wondering if you’re pretending it’s non-intimate when it actually is, or worrying that you and your friend aren’t both on the same page with this, as it’s pretty unusual. Friends might either be taking it exactly at face value, or not worried either way about what you do privately. I’d guess that most people think you have some sort of intimate relationship but don’t want to talk about it.

The fact that you said he’s not your boyfriend, but you wouldn’t call it platonic and wouldn’t date anyone else, and you can’t define it yourself - it’s not surprising they’re confused and those who aren’t are either accepting an odd situation or mistakenly think you just don’t want to talk about what’s actually happening.

If your son had a relationship with a woman which was more than platonic, but not a girlfriend, and they were spending most evenings and nights in each others houses - that would seem likely to be transitional or a bit odd. Same for you. I really do think it’s unusual.

The OP is an independent adult. That is a decision for her to make and for her to deal with.

If the 30/32 year old children were posting “DM keeps sticking her nose in my relationship business, I can’t see her without being quizzed on my relationship” they would be advised that she should mind her own business and probably to reduce contact.

The OP’s actual question was:

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

No she isn’t unreasonable and the sons need to stop interfering in their mother’s relationships.

She is not a vulnerable adult in their care, it is five years since she was widowed so not in “rebound” territory. She is a fully functioning adult with a brain and the right to private life. An initial query or asking if she was happy with the arrangement is one thing, constant intrusive questions is not reasonable or decent behaviour on the part of the sons.

Its simply none of their business and this kind of relationship is a lot commoner than many posters seem to realise (and always has been). If they think its weird its for them to deal with.

A parent intruding to this extent on an adult child’s relationship would be roundly and correctly told to back off.

Inheritance

This all over.

The chorus of 'go NC' would be loud

You are making it more complicated than it needs to be, probably causing the confusion/questions.

Just tell them you are girlfriend/boyfriend, a couple or partners if you prefer that term.

Your sex life is irrelevant, there are plenty of couples who do not have sex in their 60's (or older/younger) that are still "couples".

It is a pretty common setup nowadays for couples who met later in life to prefer to keep their own homes/spaces. Possibly because modern men don't need a "housewife" to keep their home and/or women are more financially independent.

We have two sets in our family, they don't do PDA so I have no idea about what level of intimacy they have privately, none of my business - they simply get invited anywhere as a couple.

Why should anyone define anything @EvelynBeatrice ?

They have a right to be concerned that the home that was their father's could go to another man and everntually his offspring.

Luckily for me and my sister, my dad has been very open and honest with us that he will not marry his partner and his house (which was also my mum's) will not be going to her daughters. His dad's house ended up going to his stepbrothers...

This! Unless there was overt signs of abuse, scamming or coercion, or capacity issues, I can’t imagine giving a single fuck about my parents dating/social life. They’re adults and it’s none of my business just like my romantic and social life isn’t theirs.

They don’t. Nobody is entitled to an inheritance. Unless they thought their mother was being scammed or coerced it’s absolutely none of their beeswax if she leaves everything to her new boyfriend or a donkey sanctuary

‘Friend without benefits’? Or just best friend? I think if you can be clear in your own mind and express that consistently to them rather than trying to explain something nebulous, then that might help? It doesn’t actually sound a complicated relationship, it’s just unusual. So your sons being confused or worried is fair enough, I reckon choose a label and stick with it rather than getting dragged repeatedly into the weeds.

I think your set-up sounds lovely. I sort of understand your sons’ interest, but you don’t really owe them any in depth explanation.

They may just be curious and interested. Have they actually expressed that they are concerned?

Sounds perfect to me OP. I’m happy single at the moment but your example is the only relationship I could see myself being interested in in the future

I don't know if you have explained anywhere how well your sons know this man, if they have met & socialised with him?

Have they met him & just don't like him maybe? Children (even adult ones) often don't like their parents new partners.
How well do they know him?

They have no right to presume their mother’s house is theirs. She is entirely free to leave her own home to the local cats home and if my DC were as rude and intrusive as these boys I would be pointing out that fact.

Thank gods mine have more manners/less greed.

The OP has been far more open about her relationship than she needs to be, she has no reason to further account for her personal life.

I hate to say but could they be worried about their inheritances?
They're not quite sure what's quite going on
And although they love you
Never underestimate the pull of money, and any percieved future injustices they feel might happen if you changed status

Inheritance?

It could be another 30yrs until that comes into play!

This. Honestly the way that people (including it seems a number on this thread) feel a sense of entitlement to their parents’ money before they’re even dead is despicable.

If my children started questioning my relationships and it turned out that they were worried about their inheritance I’d be telling them not to worry because they wouldn’t be getting one with that grabby attitude.

And if it’s not ok for a parent to cast judgements over their children’s relationships then it’s not ok the other way around.

You don’t owe your sons anything Op, you have explained to them when they have asked, that’s enough. Tell them that you won’t be talking any more about it and that’s that. They’ll deal with it.
@ElainBanana

Everyone is jumping to the inheritance conclusion with no evidence.

They are probably just concerned about their mum (who they presumably saw become devastated by their father's death) getting hurt because she has embarked on a relationship they don't understand.

I’m aware of what the OP’s original question was.

However, this is a discussion forum and posters are allowed to comment with their thoughts.

You may think that her sons are unreasonable to ask these questions, however I doubt the OP wants to reduce contact with her sons.

She may want to think about why her sons are asking these questions - many people have come up with plausible reasons which she may want to speak to her sons about.

Or she could just tell them to mind their own business. It’s up to the OP.