Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

Yes, exactly!
It's natural they are concerned, I would be the same if it was my mum, but once they understand, it should be fine.

It's entirely in the OP's gift to sort out this situation.

But its not for anyone else to be 'confused' or understand it, it just is what it is, it doesnt need a category or name, OP doesnt have to explain herself to other people.

I think you should do what MN would tell you to do if it were the other way round and you were the one questioning your sons about their relationships. MN would almost certainly tell you to mind your own business.

Apparently though, older women are fair game for family interference. Sorry, "concern"

Sounds like they want to understand how to relate to him?

Same here! There is absolutely nothing wrong with whatever type of relationship you want but I would also feel a bit awkward if I didnt know what kind of relationship you actually have. It would make me feel really awkward.

Just be direct and tell them - they are grown ups, I am sure they can handle it.

Are you playing “hide the sausage” or not?

I really dont think anyone is saying she needs to explain herself but why the big mystery/secret?

When I was teenager, I had a very close male friend,- my parents asked me once if I was dating him as we got on so well and I simply said no we are just friends. That was the end of that. There was no mystery or further questions, they were just interested in my life because they cared. It's perfectly normal for families to care about each other and be interested in each other's lives. What else is there to talk about if you aren't allowed to talk about who and how you spend your time?- is the only acceptable non intrusive topic the weather?

Why would it make you feel awkward, what about exactly?

He's just Bob, Hi Bob, how are you doing?

Why should she ‘define’ the relationship to suit other people? All those who love her should care about is whether she is happy and safe without prurient prying into her relationships or sex life or lack of it.

I explained above. Most people are interested in family members lives, it doesn't mean they want all the gory details.

Good grief.

From what I gather there isnt a secret though, it just is what it is, its neither one thing or another, but its also one thing or another. And thats ok.

Sorry but I think this is different to the other way round and it's entirely natural for the son's to feel concerned and protective of their mum who they have no doubt supported emotionally since their father died.
It's not odd for them to care and I don't think it's "none of their business".

They just want to understand the relationship which I think is normal and most caring offspring would be the same & would have concerns - I certainly would if it was my mum but maybe I have read too much MN...

You didnt explain you just said you would feel awkward 'if I didnt know what sort of relationship you have' - why?

Well it kind of is because OP is upset they are asking and doesn't want to talk about it. I dont agree that sons being concerned about their recently bereaved mother is bad. I bet when one of her sons started dating his now wife she at asked about it!!

Nothing - of course , but unless I’m reading this wrong , @ElainBananais presenting the relationship as a friendship only.

This.

That is the thing there is no big mystery or secret. I wouldn’t call it platonic, neither of us would date anyone else we have spoken about this. However we don’t have sex, neither of us is interested in sex, we will never remarry, we are both very much attached to our first marriages and feel no need to marry again, we are very unlikely to ever truly live together.
There is no simple category for us, we are more than friends, less than a couple.
And while yes we are not elderly, we have both already lived very full lives and neither of us feel a burning desire to seek a more conventional relationship. This perfectly suits all our needs without crossing any of our boundaries.

I think that you explain to them that you have found companionship in each other, it doesn't mean you are together but that you fill a void in each others life. They don't need to know the ins and out of anything else other than his friendship is important to you and value your time together. They don't need to keep asking though as they nothing to tell and if anything they should be happy for that you have that support.

Ok for these reasons:

1. I would want to know how much to include him at family events - him just being a friend or them being in an actual relationship would affect that, it would also affect whether I invited his daughter too
2. I would want to know how much I disclosed about my personal/family life to him as him being just a casual friend or in a relationship with my mother would affect that too
3. It would affect how much time and effort I invested in forming a relationship with him myself if I thought there was a possibility he might end up being part of my family later on
4. If I considered my mother to be emotionally vulnerable due to grief and loss it may well affect whether I had concerns about her welfare etc

Say exactly that. It is very clear.

Maybe she does.
@ElainBananaasked the question.
I answered it.
I certainly would want to reassure my son, … because I love him.
The same way I would want to reassure anyone I cared about.

Thinking that their inheritance will shrink if you marry him.

So say this! that should be the end of it

I have said this many times (minus the sex part), my sons seem unable or unwilling to accept this a long term answer.

Tell your children this. Say it’s a ‘once and for all’ explanation, and now you want the questions to stop.
Simple.