Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

Actually I’m confused. Is this someone who is just a friend and company then? Or is it romantic (sexual or whatever). I would gently be asking too. Is the plan to do 50/50, is anyone being financially taken advantage of. Eg a man moving in and not contributing. It’s perfectly ok to have sex with him or not. But as you get older are you going to become a carer etc

I had a boyfriend once who stayed at my house; he had his house but spent 4 nights at mine. Paid for Tesco every now and again and I soon twigged that my water bill and food bill and council tax (as I told them as he was staying 3-4 nights) all rose and yet he paid £30 every now and again. His house had poor heating and was freezing. I soon worked out it wasn’t equitable and I did not want marriage or children or whatever with him. So I ended it.

As you get older you might want company but if he sleeps in a different room - do you have company? Or if it is platonic why not host local students or something if you want company - something to consider.

As a divorced woman of 60 I would be wary myself of any new partner because 1) I know how financially devastating marriage and divorce can be and 2) My own ambition IS to leave what I have to my kids. Of course I might like to find a partner but I am aware there are a lot of risks, particularly with cohabitation.

I don’t think it’s wrong for your sons to look out for you. Not that they should stop your friendship but I suppose it’s good to anticipate any problems.

I think companion is the right word. Explain to your DS the same way you have to us. It is not “physical” however it is committed. You care for each other and can be a partner to each other, while maintaining your separate lives.

I don’t think it is unreasonable for your DS to be concerned. Your honestly and vulnerability in sharing this with him is the thing that will settle his mind.

They spend all there holidays together, share time over Christmas and NY, stay at each other houses etc..... why wouldn't you just treat him like a very close friend of your Mum who brings her some happiness. What else do you need to know.
I actually thought introducing my children to partners would get easier when they got to adulthood but apparently it gets worse if your list is anything to go by.

Probably inheritance.

Then say that you won’t be answering any further questions about your private life. You’re happy and safe and that’s all that needs to concern them in relation to an adult that they love. After that smile, ignore them and ask them ‘how’s your sex life?!!’ if they persist.

It’s completely normal to want to be able to gauge whether your mums special pal is her boyfriend or not. Your pretending to be obtuse to that makes me think you’re defensive about your undefined relationship.

If he’s a friend who you are sometimes romantic with then just explain that things can be different when you’re older but you consider him your beloved companion.

Yes exactly - well said

They’re probably just concerned in case he has nefarious intentions. Are you wealthier than him?

My MIL has a younger partner that is far less financially solvent than her, and we asked a lot of questions when they first got together because we were worried he wasn’t genuine.

A lot of that seems incredibly rigid.

Relationships of any type are fluid, they chop and change and its not for others to keep badgering someone as to how to define something

You don’t have to have sex. A lot of married people haven’t had it for years!

@starlightescape
i understood what you wrote.

No I would say he is much better off financially than I am. We have both spoken about how we will both leave all we have to our respective children, but for his daughter that will include a property worth £2 million etc.
I have no interest in his money, he has no interest in mine.

They’re probably worried that he’s going to find a way to relieve you of your money - either while you’re still here, or after you’re gone.

Goodness knows it’s common enough for 2nd spouses to get the new partner to rewrite their will in their favour - though to be fair it’s more usually widowed men who are most likely to cut off their existing family.

If that’s the case, maybe reassure them that nothing of the sort is going to happen.

Sounds perfect relationship. Enjoy.

I agree. I think people are being very disingenuous in this thread.

When my mum died my dad was utterly devastated. He was a wealthy man and had quite a few women interested in him who turned out later to be after his money. I suppose I should have just kept my nose out and let him be taken advantage of 🙄

Yes I know. But we also don’t want to marry, we have already had a big wedding each, we share different perspectives on religion and the role it plays in marriage etc. It’s simply not necessary for us.

Bear in mind that although your sons are grown men with their own families, this is still a big adjustment for them. They've only ever known you as their mum who was with their dad, and now they are suddenly faced with you as a woman getting involved with another man.

I've seen this in my own family, when my father got involved with someone a few yesrs after my mother's death, and curiously it was the oldest siblings who had the most difficulty with it. They couldn't get their heads round the idea that their dad was a man with needs. I think they assumed that he would glide peacefully into retirement playing golf with his buddies.

I'm not saying this is necessarily the whole issue here, but it's something to consider.

How well do your son's know this man?
Maybe the key is for them to get to know him better.

Or maybe for you and your companion to say what you have said to your sons together so that they understand you are both on the same page.

Maybe they hear what you are saying but don't believe that your companion sees the relationship in the same way?

You don’t have to have a big wedding when you marry either. Or any wedding. Just nip down to your register office in your lunch hour.

Why do I have to get married at all? I have no interest in getting married again. I am now and always will be married to my late husband.

I'd say you're close platonic companions. Sounds perfect actually.

I agree. Absolutely no need.

It’s not surprising or unreasonable for your sons to be worried about the financial implications (if they are)
Have you made it clear that you will never be getting married or sharing finances with him?

That’s fair enough. Enjoy your relationship.