Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

Agree.
Sounds great.

Marriage IS a financial risk. Even if he’s wealthier now things could change. In your position if I remarried I would want my will to make it clear that what I have goes to my kids. I’d want a pre-nup too. Take out what you put in.
Personally, I’d never remarry or cohabit. I wouldn’t mind a partner but they are not hammering down the door. You’ve done well to find him!

Is he a friend or a boyfriend? It’s difficult to tell from your post.

I think they are concerned about his intentions. I know I would be if you were my Mum. At some point in the not too distant future it would be worth discussing your financial situation with your sons as you head into old age. I know it’s probably a bit taboo but I had a vague grasp of my Mum’s situation but this got very hard as she got older. She really needed much more help earlier than I realised. Hundreds of thousands sitting in a current account earning no interest scenario.

After reading some of the horrific stories on here about men becoming cocklodgers and wheedling their way into the homes of women they've started dating and expecting them to finance them I am not at all surprised your sons are curious and a bit concerned.

However, you explaining once should be enough. I would lay it all out as you have here in this thread and tell them that's it. You won't be rehashing this topic any more.

If one of your sons was single but spent most nights with the same woman (or man), sleeping at their house or with her sleeping at his, would you not be interested in whether they were in a relationship or not?

They don’t necessarily have an issue either way, but sleeping at each others houses almost every night is more than a typical friendship. It is understandable if they are confused, if whenever they contact you you are with him.

I'd say, we are a couple but we are not going to get married or live together. We are happy as we are. The end.

Inheritance.

What you are describing is not uncommon amongst widows/widowers from long relationships. I have no interest in remarrying, I’m not sure if I will ever want another romantic partner but my close companions/friends of both sexes are extremely important to me and frankly helped me through the first year or so of widowhood.

With youngish adult children you don’t want to over rely on them - they are building their own lives. Contemporaries often have similar experiences and understand the ups and downs of grieving, the enjoyment of the companionship without wanting to remarry.

Your sons need to wind their necks in and just be happy for your friendship. They know its solely a deep friendship, they know you have no plans to marry, they know its a relationship of mutuality. The rest is not their business. What is it that they actually want? For you to sit at home alone?

They are trying to figure out where their inheritance is going.

Good for you! You sound happy and sorted. But you do have a fairly unusual set up, which your boys are struggling to label. It's just working out how to explain it to them.

Is he your boyfriend, mum? No. We are grown up companions, independent people who enjoy the same things. Would you rather I sit at home knitting ('cause I can't knit!) We are healthy, active people, who enjoy getting out and about together and it's more fun to plan to do things with someone else. Now boys, you invent a name for that sort of relationship! Is 'companions' good enough?

Show your boys this post, then tell them to quit maethering you about it.

I understand it more now you’ve explained it and that’s fine. I think you could push back at your sons and say you don’t appreciate being quizzed and why are they so worried.

But I would worry a bit about whether you are happy. To have someone describe their companion as ‘someone who makes a lonely retirement more bearable’ doesn’t exactly scream ‘enjoying life’. And perhaps they want to show an interest? Perhaps they think you could do better?

I think my ds can see that dp and I are very happy, we’re engaged now and planning a wedding. It’s all very obvious what’s going on. If you’re doing something less conventional people will find it a bit harder to understand.

They’re worried he’s a scammer

This thought immediately occurred to me as well.

Why does sex matter so much? The longer I am alone the weirder it seems.

Unfortunately this was my first thought too - when my FIL got a new partner at 67 many years ago, my BIL was very quick on the draw on this one asking if he intended to get married again etc -

It sounds to me like you have the perfect arrangement OP.

It is a somewhat strange relationship. It’s great if this works for your both but it’s neither a friendship or a relationship and that’s why it’s confusing to your sons.

I’d be very clear with your sons about the specifics of the relationship, and also your financial security. After that, tell them to stop quizzing you or worrying about you.

A male companion - maybe that’s the right term.

This! I’m a bit confused about it. You also haven’t said what you want from this relationship, so if I was even a casual acquaintance, I’d be asking you too!

I think for both of us, the main role the relationship if we are to call it that serves is to remove some of the loneliness of being single in retirement. Friends serve a wonderful purpose but I often found I was most lonely in the evening or morning when my friends weren’t around. This is why we stay in the same property most nights. It’s rather lovely to have someone to share dinner with and watch a film with or to discuss the news with in the morning. It also acts as a travel companion, where many of our friends don’t want to travel anymore or are so busy with their own families have no time to, we are able to just pop off for a weekend away in a city that interests us both.

I have explained all this to my sons, they seem unable to accept this isn’t a transitional stage.

Marriage is completely off the cards, I’m not a religious woman but view myself as still being married to my late husband. He is a religious man, he never divorced from his wife even when living in different countries, he views marriage as being a one time deal. We are both happy as we are.

I thought this was the best part.

Ironically, PP perfectly described the very scenario she advises OP to reassure her sons is not the case: where the gentleman friend is after the retired lady's money.

I think this is a useful new phrase to describe relationships based mainly on money. When you see a young, beautiful person in a relationship with an older, wealthy (possibly famous) one, that is exactly what it is: totally plutonic!

I think this is the reason too and not surprising either - lots of adult children seem to think their parent's money belongs to them, living or dead!

No it’s really not. It’s an extremely common arrangement and a very happy set up usually.

You are very close friends, and that's all. Why not tell your son that? If one of you met someone else and wanted a sexual relationship then your closeness would almost certainly end. For now the relationship important and meaningful for both of you, provides comfort and laughter, and is most unlikely to affect your family in any negative way, so you'd like them to be pleased for you.