Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

I don't think it's strange at all - I'm 65 and couldn't care less about sex. Many men of my age have ED and wouldn't be that bothered about shagging either, so companionable closeness would be perfect all round.

However I agree that your sons are worried about what would happen if you remarried. If you died first, your new husband could inherit everything and pass it all to his daughter and they could be left out in the cold. If you were to remarry, any will you currently have would be invalid and if you were to become frail suddenly he might offer to marry you so that you could sensibly combine households, etc. And if you needed to be cared for (or wanted to care for him) this might look a good move.

And then where would your boys be, financially? I think sitting down and explaining that you are just companions, that you have no intention of remarrying or combining finances and that any inheritance they might get is safe, would be a good move.

I dont think its strange at all, its actually quite common.

Re: inheritance. As a divorced woman of 60, and as the only parent who has supported my kids financially through teen years and young adulthood, I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable for all of you to consider what happens with inheritance. My kids couldn’t have survived at uni without my financial support. Ditto, they may still need my help getting on the housing ladder. Their dad walked away and does nothing, thanks to our crazily unfair divorce laws and student funding system, so I am very aware it’s completely down to me. It’s what families do - help their kids. I see it as a duty. I hope I can help them too via inheritance. Although the Chancellor will take a cut unless I gift money at the right time.

So I don’t think it would be wrong to all discuss it. People don’t and it becomes taboo. But I’ve spent a lifetime working and saving and my children are who I’ve been doing it for. Otherwise I might as well go on a round the world cruise right now!!

What would students have in common with a 65 year old? I don't think the OP's relationship is all about having a companion...it's about being with someone who shares interests, hobbies, is at the same stage of life etc without the need to have sex.
I think OP's sons should support their mother, let her know that they are there if she needs them and just leave her to continue her relationship as she wishes. Any family events can be easily addressed by asking "we're having this gathering. If Bob wants to join us he'd be more than welcome". They either accept the relationship their mother has chosen or they don't but they should keep any thoughts about it to themselves.

Read your updates - it sounds great!

but maybe difficult for young men in conventional, happy relationships to get their heads round. As I get older, I’ve realised lots of younger people are quite conservative.

it’s only as you get older your perspective changes- sounds like you’re making a life on your terms - not social convention

I would be the exact same if I was them.

They want to be clear on what the relationship is because you spend such a great deal of time together so it appears to be more than friends but also other behaviour such as separate rooms may imply you are not in a romantic relationship.

If my parent started having this kind of relationship I would want to know the parameters of it and that’s perfectly reasonable imo. You can simply say he’s a companion there’s no romance between us. Or he’s a friend but there is some romance between us. Doesn’t have to be black and white answer but some context for them would likely be helpful.

May also be worth mentioning you intend to keep finances separate as they may also wonder if he is trying to take advantage of you as sadly it happens more often that you’d think.

There's a very good chance that your sons are concerned about their inheritance. I suggest making it clear to them that this won't be affected by your relationship and that both you and your friend will leave everything you have to your respective children.

Most loving relationships ( between woman/ partners) involve some form of intimacy be that sex or holding hands or other. Maybe you don’t look entirely happy or intimate and maybe they are concerned for you. The relationship you describe sounds like friends rather than partners. The man could be a scammer but also he might not understand the relationship or could be off the rest of the time with other people in intimate relationships. Your sons are trying to protect you. Talk to them. Put their fears at rest.

Well, I'm interested as well, are you having sex or what?

I would say, from your description, that you offer each other companionship. That would be the way I would explain it to your children. My gran would have said he is your gentleman friend and you are his lady friend 🙂I'm your age and I second what someone has already said, sometimes younger people want to slot things into conventional categories.

Your relationship makes perfect sense to me, OP. When your sins keep questioning you about it, can you turn the tables and ask them questions about why they keep asking? Not with a view to being argumentative but honestly I’m not sure what it is they aren’t clear about as you’ve explained beautifully

Ah. I RTFT

I am confused so I guess they are too.
They need to know how to address your friend.
Is he a step father? Granny's friend called by his first name?
Is it non negotiable that he is invited to every family occasion with you?

Your sons want to how to respect the fellow, how you want his role to be within your family.
They are wondering out of consideration.
They are worried out of love for you.
They are concerned about their own father's legacy, some of which they deserve to inherit.

And it is wise for you to consider their inheritance.
Seek the advice of a lawyer as to where you both stand should either of you die or become very ill. Who is your next of kin if you were involved in a car accident?
Can your friend challenge a Will that you have made?
Can you challenge his?
Do you have POA and Medical POA set in place?

He is certainly not a scammer, he is rather a gentleman. We both deal with our respective finances alone, pay the bills on our own properties, contribute to the cost of joint days out or holidays.
He is also not sleeping with anyone else, not that it would bother me if he was. He was very honest with me and told me that the only woman he ever slept with was his wife. He is a deeply religious man, which is why he never divorced her even when she returned to her home country and why he continued to provide for her financially when she did.
His daughter who arguably has more to lose as he is much better off than I am financially, doesn’t seem to struggle with our relationship at all.

One of my boyfriend’s parents has a similar set up to yours and his family is confused about the relationship because they don’t know what to call the other person. Girlfriend? Life partner? Friend? It makes conversation a bit awkward when talking about them as the relationship has to be explained. And it’s hard to know how to treat the other person because a partner would be part of the family whereas a friend probably wouldn’t. It is kind of more out of respect of the other person/relationship than nosiness or concern

For all legal purposes it as it would be if we didn’t spend every night in the same house. In an emergency I would still want my sons called first, he would want his daughter called first. We have not given up any aspect of our autonomy.

Sounds like a sort of courtship. Maybe one day things will go further but no need to rush. These days there is so much pressure for everyone to be ripping their clothes off Hollywood-style but some of us need to take things very slowly.

I’ve suggested they use companion or close friend, it need not be more detailed.
As for whether he is invited to family events or not is entirely up to my sons. Neither of us would be offended not to receive an invite but would be grateful if one was received, again this is something I’ve told them.

Just call him your companion.

Keep it simple, as you’ve suggested, and leave it at that

My mum started dating again at a similar age (dads still alive) and I couldn’t understand why.

She spent her entire life in a relationship and had her own home - so why then lose that freedom and choose to live with someone.

It sounds silly writing it down but I just couldn’t get my head around it and neither could my siblings.
Literally we’d be saying what does this man want from her and trying to figure it out.
We did pry a bit but it wasn’t endless questions and were used to it now.

I can’t actually put my finger on why though.

There is obviously a massive concern factor - is this man safe, why is he staying over so much, are you comfortable in this situation or is he taking advantage of your grief etc.
But there’s also just a general why not just be single and happy - but I guess that’s quite generational.

The fact their dad died must make it worse for them and they’re likely more concerned about your MH than anything.

I would be a bit more blunt now and just say I’ve answered all your questions and this is what’s making me happy right so now please stop with the interrogation 🙂 and just stop answering questions you’ve already answered. Say you don’t question them this much over their relationships.

No that it comes from a place of love and protection though (no matter how annoying it must be).

Well firstly its not reasonable at all to demand that someone set out parameters to you of their relationship!!

Secondly she appears to have already said what he means and doesnt mean to her and they're still going on

Do your sons have children? They may be wondering whether to refer to this man as "granny's friend" or more than that, wondering about if its serious enough for him to meet the kids etc (if he hasn't already).

This was my immediate thought too.

He’s your plus one. Seems like an ideal set-up. Where did you find him?