Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

This was my first thought. In our family, when a widow found a new relationship after a similar amount of time, one of the adult children couldn't cope with the idea at all, and refused to ever meet him (even years later). It really hurt her to see someone in her dad's 'place' even though he was t actually trying to do that. In some ways 5 years may seem a long time, but grief isn't that simple and they have a lot of adjusting to do. If your sons are happily spending new years with him they are doing a lot better with the situation than my relative!

If they have kids there is also the factor of an unrelated man being often in the house, so they may need to work out how much they trust him with the children etc.

Yes, of course wondering if you might remarry, and also inheritance could also come into it, but they wouldn't be the only factors based on my experience.

It sounds a lovely relationship for you OP, that's the important thing. You may just need to accept them being a bit unsure about it.

I think it's completely natural that they want you to give your relationship a label. Its what humans do- we all do it to a certain extent in various contexts.

People like labels because they reduce uncertainty and help them emotionally and cognitively orient themselves.

Knowing whether your relationship is romantic or platonic allows your sons to understand where they stand, anticipate whether the relationship might affect family dynamics or future plans, and know how to behave appropriately.

Labels provide predictability, narrative clarity, and emotional safety by turning ambiguity into a coherent story. Wanting a label isn’t about control or judgement- it’s about making sense of reality so people can adjust, relate, and respond with confidence rather than feeling uncertain. It doesn't make them bad people, it makes them human and every single one of us uses labels in our lives.

The issue as far as I can see it from your updates is - they aren't accepting the answer (or label) you've given them and that is where I think they should back off a bit and respect your answer. I would talk to them and explain that this is upsetting you a bit and see what they say.

I have an relative with a similar thing going on (although I know my relative dates elsewhere and that isn't hidden, I do not know about the companion). They tend to come as a pair to functions, get on amazingly well and the other party is also considered family at this point (it's been YEARS). None of us really "get it", but we don't need to!

I hope I haven't missed a post somewhere OP, but have you asked your boys what it actually is that's bothering them?!

If they have kids there is also the factor of an unrelated man being often in the house, so they may need to work out how much they trust him with the children etc.

This is also a very pertinent point and something that would concern me

You know all that, but your sons don't know him as well as you do, and no one ever thinks they might be with a scammer, so I think in addition to the other reasons I gave above, it is also normal for them to be keeping an eye out for you.

Talk about all of your sons' fears openly with them.
Ask them to fire questions at you so that you have no difficulty in knowing what information they need to feel secure in supporting your friendship.

Show your sons your POA paperwork.
Share your wishes should any end-of-life situation occur.

Discuss the issue until they understand.

They might not ever be as comfortable with your new relationship as you hope. They might always struggle a bit because the relationship is unusual.

Your relationship, to me, seems like you are two old girl friends or old mates; there is a sibling quality to it.

Yes same here, Im similar age and I dont find this odd at all, what I find odd is the weird rigidity that people want to put on what this is or what it should be or could be or looks like.

update your will after marriage ... or preferably before it, using the correct wording in contemplation of that specific marriage. And @Alwayswantedadolphintattoo makes a good point about being sure to have LPAs in place, marriage or not.

My friend is 70 and she wants this kind of relationship - she's lonely - she has plenty of friends but she wants the companionship of a man - being taken out to dinner etc. She does not want sex. It makes perfect sense to me. I have another friend whose mother is over 90 and she has this kind of relationship with a man in their sheltered accomodation - my friend finds their relationship very reassuring, it makes their mum happy, which is the priority.

I agree.
I think that on some level you should be glad that they are concerned, it shows that they care.

Plenty of older parents don't have much contact with adult children who are busily getting on with their own lives.

Really? I’ve never heard of this before. Clearly you have but the replies here indicate that many haven’t so it’s not ‘extremely common’

It clearly isn’t quite common - as per most of the replies here.

It’s great if it works for OP, but it’s understandable her DSs have questions.

It's a bit disingenuous calling him a 'close friend'. It's clearly more than that. He's your boyfriend. I don't see why you can't just tell your son that.

'He's my bf, we enjoy each other's company but have no plans to marry or move in.' There's nothing more to say.

I don't know what you mean about you son asking about his relationship with his child? Presumably they're an adult with their own life. Your son doesn't need to know anything about them?

Gosh I'd love this set up! Sounds perfect to me, a companion when you want a holiday/dinner out/a walk/whatever but separate lives too, sounds idyllic especially at that age where I am also. Despite what anyone may say it's a world made mainly for couples, in our culture anyway, holidays etc are very expensive on your own, been there done that and while ok I wouldn't have minded a bit of company but certainly not looking for a sex life at this stage of my life, been there done that too and have lovely memories that I couldn't replicate and don't want to!

Wow, some of the posts here assuming the sons' only concern must be inheritance related are very sad. Is it so hard to believe that a person would have concerns for their parent and find it a bit tricky to navigate them (potentially) having a new partner? Also, based on OP's updates it seems pretty clear that this man is not after her money.

OP, enjoy your relationship and just be firm with your sons next time they ask. It's companionship, closer than a friendship but you have no intention of marrying again. That's all they need to know and if they keep pushing, just say 'I really don't know what more to tell you' and change the subject.

This was exactly my first thought, too, @Sharptonguedwoman .

I would tell your DC that if their concern is inheritance based they need to wind their neck in as it’s all being left to the cat and dog home.

Of course it won’t be, but children counting their loving parents assets as their “inheritance” is disgusting IMO. Nothing to say there will be a penny left when OP is gone. If she chooses to sell up and move to Greece tomorrow for a lovely life on the beach drinking cocktails until she dies then she’s bloody well entitled to do so. They would deserve a sharp wake up call.

Grabby adult DC need put firmly in their place. Inheritance doesn’t exist until the person has passed. Don’t count your chickens.

The OP herself has quite rigid views on the fact that her late husband will always be her only husband no matter what happens in the future and she said her companion is very religious and thinks marriage should be for life and was against divorce.

There is nothing wrong with having "rigid" views- not everyone loves ambiguity and that's perfectly ok.

@ElainBanana I think you have a relationship that works for you and your companion. It doesn’t fit what most people call “normal” so they don’t understand it. Part of it will be because they can’t label it.

Personally I think you are clear on what your relationship is, you seem equal, you talk, you respect each others faith etc. so no need for all the navel gazing by everyone else.

I would be saying to your sons either clarify why you need to know, what is your concern or stop asking.

WRT your sons the one thing that may help is putting LPAs in place.

This! You don’t have to define the relationship and it’s none of their business! It would be one thing for them to be concerned about him being predatory or after OP’s money but from what she’s described there is no indication that’s the case so they need to butt out.

I suspect your sons are just looking out for their Mum in the still recent loss of their Dad. They see themselves as supporting and protecting you.

I’m not sure why you are so coy about leaving the no sex bit out of your description of the relationship to them. That’s the bit that makes it not fit conventional relationships set ups as commonly understood.

This type of relationship is probably quite common but amongst long term marrieds who have moved into separate rooms because of snoring or other sleep issues, and let sex fade out. It sounds as if you did one stage of marriage with your respective spouses and have adopted a later stage of some marriages with another (without the legal and financial risks and responsibilities of marriage)

Have you asked them why they are so insistently curious?

And? People should have relationships however feels right and comfortable for them, they don’t have to stick to societally expected parameters if they don’t want to.

A live in friend.

Sounds great!

Op you're not many years older than me & you have endured a devastating loss which I'm sure can leave some lost &vulnerable.

But I'd be quite annoyed if my kids seemed to think that I'd lost all my sense & was easy prey for someone!

Fine to show concern initially of course, but at some point they need to accept your reassurances I would have thought.

That last paragraph is the most patronising thing I've read on here for a while. Why not get a goldfish OP if you aren't having sex with your friend? You could keep it in your bedroom and talk to it if you get lonely.

It's like older women aren't actually full human beings FFS!

Oh dont be ridiculous, she's still in love with her husband who died, that isnt rigid, thats normal!!

And while some people may struggle with ambiguity, they dont have a right to demand clarity from someone else about that persons life. They can seek clarity and certainty within their own lives and decisions but not someone elses.