Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

I'm in your 'age group' and I think what you have sounds heavenly! It's companionship with no responsibility towards each other. The term my friends and I use for this type of thing is 'together apart'. More than friends but less than partners or boy- and girlfriend, and no 'combining' of your lives. You are separate people who share time with each other and that's all there is to it. If this was another woman no one would think twice about it, you'd just be considered 'two widows who are close friends' and people would understand that it's all about avoiding loneliness.

I do understand your sons' 'puzzlement' though. This type of thing is still rare in our society. A man and a woman are either a 'couple' or they are 'nothing', there seems to be no in between. Stupid really in this day and age where so many women are financially independent and want to stay that way! So you can sit them down and have a serious talk, refer to him as a 'companion' (again more than a friend, less than a boyfriend or partner) and invite them to ask all their questions once and for all. But chances are they'll still come away from it puzzled. As frustrating as that is it's motivated by their concern for you which means you did a good job raising them! All you can do is assure them that IF things should start to change they will absolutely be the first to know. And that you will take all steps needed to protect your finances and keep them informed of every step. They are, I'm sure, motivated strictly by concern for you, your 'heart', and your future financial stability.

In fact, if you haven't now would be a good time to do the financial planning needed to protect your estate and 'formalize' things as far as your sons (and their inheritance) go.

They (hopefully) just want to make sure you aren’t being taken advantage of.

Lets hope it’s not about their potential inheritance.

Have you actually told your sons in plain and simple words: "No we are not in a romantic relationship, no, we are not going to get married, ever, and yes, your inheritance is safe, my will is drawn up" ?

Have you had the conversation where you tell them exactly where your will is, what arrangements you want for a funeral, where to find all the practical information (utility suppliers etc.), where to find your list of useful logon details and passwords, and what you have done about a "living will" for medical issues and a financial power of attorney?
If not, I suggest you get all this sorted and involve your sons in the process, to reassure them.

I don't care if my dad leaves his house to charity. I don't care if he sells it and blows the money (I'd like him to do that. I own my house outright. I don't need his house or the money), or if it pays for his nursing home.

I just don't want a house that belonged to my mum going to two women who have received the proceeds from their family home already, following their dad's death.

And neither does my dad :)

I doubt their dad would have wanted his house to go to another man's kid(s) either. But yes, that is a presumption!

But we are both presuming she owns her house. She could be living in a council flat. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I never said they were entitled. And they may not have a choice anyway. And she may not even own her house. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was responding to another person who was assuming her sons were being grabby. It was not a stand alone comment about her son's having a right to ask her.

Your friendship/relationship sounds wonderful. I hope I find a friendship
like this if I am ever in your position. Just say to your sons that you have explained it multiple times and you won’t be explaining it again.

Completely disagree. It's not just their mother's house- its the entire estate that both the OP and her late husband built together as a team. The two of them.

I would be furious and utterly heartbroken to think that if I died, my husband would just give away everything I worked for my entire life that I wanted to go to OUR children to some woman he'd been dating only a few months. That's appalling to me, and I am sure the OP's husband would not want this either. I am quite sure the OP's beloved late husband wouldn't want his money going to some random man either instead of his actual children whom he loved.

I am quite sure the OP's beloved late husband wouldn't want his money going to some random man either instead of his actual children whom he loved.

Neither does Op!

I think there are an awful lot of people here looking at this from the perspective of earlier in life where sex and marriage are still 'goals'. So companionship seems like an odd concept. For those is us heading to that life stage, it sounds idyllic.

Those worrying about potential nefarious intent around children make no sense to me. His relationship title makes no difference. Either he is a risk or he isn't. Whether he is husband, friend or companion has no bearing.

I would ask your sons if they are wanting details of your sex life. Tell them you will update them if anything changes, otherwise they should assume your friendship is the same as the last time they asked.

@user482904

errr I’m not sure Op wants that either!

either way, it’s not a good look for her sons to be badgering her about her relationship because they are fearful that their inheritance and the ‘estate’ of their parents is somehow comprised. Ick.

This🔼It's the first thing that occurred to me.

I don't understand what they find confusing. You are companions. You won't get married again or combine finances and don't have an intimate relationship, which is fine when you're both happy with that. My sister in law is looking for the exact same thing and has no interest in a sexual relationship anymore, it's just hard to find a man who feels the same. I think it sounds great what you have and is lovely you have a companion to share life with.

She has repeatedly answered all their questions, they continue to harass her with them every time they see her. She doesn’t like it as I’m sure they would not like being intrusively questioned.

What is your solution then? She has answered their endless nosey questions, she has told them she doesn’t like it. What should she do? Ditch the companion, return to being lonely and hand over her home to the boys?

Fuck that for a lark.

In that case, sadly, I think they are worried they won't get your assets when you die.

Maybe you should ask them if that's what they are after. A promise you will die with cash in the bank for them.

You have no idea where the house money came from - it could be from an inheritance on the mother’s side or from money she earned and brought into the marriage. You are projecting your own opinions and assumptions.

The OP isn’t married and has no plans to marry. She has answered the boys’ endless intrusive questions and they continue to hassle her. If its about inheritance they are greedy bastards who would rather see their mother alone than finding some happiness. If its “concern” they have a bloody funny way of showing it.

I don’t imagine her beloved husband would be impressed at having produced sons who cared so little about their mother. You are making massive assumptions about the relationships between the father and his sons.

So why do you think the boys have the right to continue to harass a perfectly capable woman in this way? Should she just retire from life, live entirely alone and hand over the loot? Is that what we should all do when widowed? Perhaps we should just jump on the pyre.

I don’t think it’s possible to know - could be they are worried he is controlling you, could be worried about inheritance claims, or something else. Why not ask your sons what they are worried about and have a frank conversation with them.

I can so hear Del Boy saying that - "No, no, don't worry Rodney, it's completely plutonic!" 😂

My father described his relationship as that he was extremely lucky to have found a second great love of his life. And that it didn't in anyway diminish his love of my mother, because she was his first love and the mother of his children. I always considered his 2nd partner (not married, they decided that would complicate the inheritances) as a bonus, because she really looked after him at a time I was dashing about the country very busy building my career.

It's not just their mother's house- its the entire estate that both the OP and her late husband built together as a team. The two of them.

But it is just hers now.

It’s difficult to understand what your relationship is when you’ve laid it out like that so how are they meant to know? Especially the one with a child, whom no doubt asks who he is.

For all the “all men are horrible” posts it’s bizarre to see with seemingly all nice men (the friend/partner/whatever included) causing a problem.

I don't know why people (including your sons) appear to be struggling with your friendship. It sounds lovely. You both have someone to be share your lives with, you both want the same thing (ie, things the way they are), and you are both happy with it and get a lot out of it. You're mutually supportive, both on the same page, it's really not complicated, is it?! You enjoy each others company, you share good times, quiet times, nice times. I don't see what's so difficult about defining your friend as.....Nanny/Granny's friend....! Not that you need your relationship to be defined, of course! Sounds lovely to me :)

Why are people attempting to tie themselves in knots to justify these grown men’s intrusive questioning. There is 0 justification for it. None.

If they’re worried about OP’s safety then they’re free to come out and say so. But the OP has been seeing this man for a while now, so we’re not talking about a very new relationship here.

As for “the children will want to know/they need to know about a strange man in their home” what utter bullshit. The children can be told he’s nanny’s friend. So what if they assume it’s a boyfriend or just a friend. It’s not that deep and doesn’t need to be.

And given the OP isn’t dead yet the inheritance is entirely none of their business until the will is read. Despite what MN’ers seem to think about the need for children to have some input into the writing of the will….

At This point they should think themselves lucky that the OP has shared any information with them at all. I mean there are plenty of posters here with actual dependent children who have various casual sex arrangements, friends with benefits, multiple dates both online and otherwise, and nobody questions those because the children apparently aren’t involved but the truth is those arrangements could be detrimental to both the poster and the children.

So if that’s acceptable then at the point these men turned 18 and left home their mother’s relationship status ceased to be any of their business.

If they’re worried they need to say so.

If not then they need to shut the fuck up.