AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

Start changing things now. Say calmly that no one asked you how you wanted to spend the day and you have decided to have a peaceful day at home. Your husband can go out if he wants. Tell your teens no more lifts without asking and getting agreement the day before. If needs be book yourself a hotel overnight stay for some peace.

You really don't have to do these things. You are enabling people to put on you. You say no, not do what they ask you and sulk.
All this is in your hands.

For me age 72. Good luck.

Just say no! Why are you doing stuff you don’t want to do? Your family needs to learn that you’re not there at their beck and call. Rather than stropping but doing it anyway, just say that you’re not up for that today and stay at home.

If you work in education then you’ll know it’s perfectly possible to say no to teenagers and set some boundaries. Why haven’t you?

Just say no?
Teens can make their own travel arrangements for a few days. If that's not possible, they'll have to stay in. Why can't your husband do the lifts?
Why are you doing what your husband wants, but not what you want? Why is he more important than you are?
Pur yourself first for a day.

Just say no. Tell DH that you don't want to go out today, tell DC that they will have to find alternative transport arrangements. Make a coffee, sit down with a book and put your feet up
Just be honest about what you are happy to do, and what you don't want to do, and stick to it.

I think you need to learn to be more stubborn. Put yourself first and say no. Stick to your plans. Even just occasionally!

I know how you feel OP. I just went ballistic at my 42 year DS always expecting lifts and making me pick him up from his house 2 hours drive away.
Last year I had to drive him all over the countryside looking for a house to buy because he doesn't drive and I was waiting for a hip replacement at the time and in a lot of pain.
About 2 weeks ago I rang him up after the latest request and shouted, I'm not driving you bloody anywhere, get your driving license or stay at home.
There is no reason why he can't learn to drive.
He isn't speaking to me now 😂

You sound exhausted.

Some of this is just family life, some of this might be a boundary issue. How good are you at saying “no”?

Why do you “need” to take your DD an her friend shopping? Did you offer? Can’t they take public transport? Why is your presence required at all?

Do your children know how to use public transport? If not, teach them. They will of course still sometimes need lifts, but you should encourage them to use bus or train where possible - it’s an important life skill.

Aging parents are difficult, but you can still set boundaries. Divide their requests into “wants” and “needs” and prioritise accordingly.

I’m not sure quite what your DH is asking of you, but he shouldn’t be assigning your free time without discussion. Explain you are exhausted and agree a new approach.

You need to say no and let people get on with it. I’m in the same stage of life (though I don’t have parents anymore, I do have in-laws). But I have Dh and teen/primary age dc and a farm to run and I have cancer. I haven’t felt any of this pressure.

Dh entertains himself and if he wants a day out, he takes himself/dc on one. Dc are old enough to entertain themselves too. I do give lifts, but it’s just a quick 10/15 minute drive now and again, and Dh can do it too. We had no house guests this year because I say, nope, not catering for anyone. I’ve spent loads of time reading, gone on some lovely solo hikes, wild swims, watched a few films, been sat in front of the fire with a coffee for 2 hours now with no plans for the day other than a quick trip to the shop and the pharmacy. Dh is taking youngest dc away for the weekend so then I’ll have 4 days of doing whatever I want, with a bit of taxiing for eldest.

You get what you create. You have to start saying no to stuff you don’t want to do or don’t have capacity to do. People will sort themselves out if you aren’t rushing in with a solution all the time.

Well saying this most kindly... but youre enabling it.

You're doing all the activities, youre allowing people to determine the direction your life takes, and what your days hold.

Stop acting like a child and stropping, and start acting like an adult.

You're not the taxi driver, the maid, the PA,

If someone expects you to give them a lift - (dont apologise, youre not sorry) - that doesnt work for me, you'll have to make alternative arrangements.

DH can do all this stuff if he wants, but let him... you dont have to. Check out.

And drop the mental load of it as well...

Just say no.

Start saying no op. The world won’t end if you stop giving teens lifts/stop jumping every time your parents want something, etc. You keep giving, they’ll keep taking, so stop doing it.

Agree with this, otherwise you will burn out. Looking after yourself is so important. I see saying no to people's excessive or unreasonable requests as empowering them to do things for themselves.

Just say no. Teens can make their own arrangements. Both my DH and I have cars but the first thing I did when my DS was of age, was get him going on buses to get used to them.

Just say no. Admittedly where you live makes a difference, but i simply told my dc to catch the bus or walk, my parents drove and still do 10 years on

You don’t need to stamp your feet.
you either need to get used to saying no, or to block out ‘rest days’ on the calendar when you’re staying home without plans and the rest of the family can sort themselves out.
why can’t teens get buses? If you live very rurally then you need to make a plan with teens and husband at the start of holidays about who is doing a taxi when, or just send your kids in a taxi.

"I haven't time. Fuck off."

Ps your family probably had no idea you’re feeling stretched until you had your tantrum today, they are not mind readers. My mum used to do this sometimes - if you just say I’m tired I’m going to rest for next couple of days no lifts from me you’ll need to arrange your own social stuff or ask dad, that’s better and less scary for kids then suddenly you having a meltdown you’ll seem unhinged and put them on edge and make them feel they have to walk on eggshells

It’s how you’ve set your life up, no boundaries and being a people pleaser.

Say no and stop giving lifts to teenagers, let them walk or take the bus.

Unless it’s a genuine emergency (take DC to hospital type thing), your time is when you say it is.

Just wanted to say that I’m 41 and feel increasingly the same. I think in was in burnout before this hol and desperately needed to unwind. However as a busy mum, it feels impossible. I’m just relieved I don’t have the school runs on top of being an endless taxi driver for activities, cook, cleaner, organiser, life administrator 😮‍💨 I do dream about being on a tropical island somewhere alone at times 🏝️🥹

Being a martyr wont make it stop

You need to set boundaries. Your kids shouldn't be making plans they cannot get to without asking permission. Your partner shouldn't be making plans for you without discussing with you. Just say no and stand firm, it is not healthy for your children or partner to be allowed to treat people like this. You are having a PJ day today and Friday your partner is taking DC and friend shopping.

You need to start saying no a bit more often. If all else fails, invent a migraine and go for a long lie down. Hole up in the bedroom with snacks, drinks and Netflix!