AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

lol. When I read the other posts, I realised I should have written - divvi out the jobs between your husband and your kids to free up some time for yourself.

I'm in my 40s with two very young kids - I assume I won't get to dictate my day until my mid 50s...

Why not? Unless you’re a single parent with no family support.

That still doesn’t answer why you can’t say no to DH? Maybe he will fix his car if you do?

NO. By age 40 you dont people please. OP does not need to do these things and enable everyone. It has to stop so that the next generation doesn't grow up expecting that is what mothers do, that it is a "good" wife or mother's job to everything for everyone.

Teens can ask for lifts in advance or walk, OP can also say no, husband can go there and there himself and elderly parents call an ambulance if it is so urgent.

They all make it sound so easy. I gave in for a quiet life! The only time you'll get a natural break is if you get the flu!!! My heart goes out to you. Sadly it took a mini breakdown [lasted only six weeks and then I did a point 5 job share] to make the family realise that I was worn out. Good luck with saying NO. Pull on your big girl pants and face up to them. You could try staying in bed one Saturday, but make sure you take plenty of drink and snacks. Just refuse to move. I didn't manage to realise I was a woman in my own right until my late 50's so I'd love to think you would learn from my mistakes and make your move now.xxxx

Are you angry with yourself for not setting boundaries,saying NO and looking after yourself ?
Tell your self you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Tell yourself you need to take care of yourself or you will be of absolutely no use to the people you think you are currently indispensible to.

I am 68 and look after my 93 year old dad, I had different visions of my retirement. I also look after my 2 grandchildren aged 4 and 18 months 2 days a week. Yeh

I could have written this myself - as everyone is saying - we need to start saying no!

Omg. I could have written your post myself OP. It’s 1.30am and I’m clearing up after having my elderly parents (and others) over for New Year. I’m going back to work tomorrow and I’m more exhausted than when I finished up before Christmas for exactly the same reasons as you. My house is in a right state with all the Christmas rubbish around the place and I’ve had no time to exercise over the past two weeks with all my family commitments, so I now feel like I want to murder someone 🤣 and I’ve put on about half a stone! Teenagers have uni exams in January, so will be tiptoeing around for the next few weeks. I feel your pain OP and have no easy solution for you, but on the upside, January should be easier as there are fewer social commitments and there’s less pressure to entertain people, go shopping etc. I plan to batch cook and go to bed early for the month!

My parents barely drove me anywhere as a teen, they used to just hand me a giant bus timetable 😆

You need to teach you your teens some respect for you

you have a life and plans whether a bath , nap or reading a book etc

so say no to DS when aka for a short notice lift

tell dh to man up and take on some of the load and taking/collection of your kids - he can drive them in your car by his self

When I was around your age I was absolutely in the thick of it .
Children were , one teen , one upper primary age and one in lower primary.
( Youngest has disabilities and I had to fetch them from school during the school day to take them to another place for therapies as well ! )
I also had to run them all to some extra curricular activities but I limited that to 2 each .
Also I would have loved to walk to school and take the dog as that would be another thing done ✔️ but it was too far to walk in a reasonable time frame so I had to drive and park 🙁
Anyhow I digress …what helped me was living near a bus stop with a reliable service.
Teen could use that to get to school and to get to most things / socialise with her friends and some friends were a short walk away , that left me with a run to a music lesson for her and that was it really.
Upper primary child , them becoming so bored and tired with hanging out waiting for the youngest at an activity I asked them if they would like to try the bus home .
I arranged to travel with them back and forth a few times till they were happy and that really helped .
I was questioned by some parents , but funnily enough they didn’t offer to help me by picking up my middle child and having them over to hang out with their child till my youngest was finished the activity, but I thought 💭 she’s perfectly capable of this and it’s fostering independence.
I was still very tired …as I had all the domestic load too and no help whatsoever.
See what you can do , can you outsource anything at all?
Will other families share the driving around ?
On good days can your teens ride bikes to get where they need to be ?

You need to start having a "duvet day" or a "you day" when you do what you want to do !

Perhaps set days that you visit your parents (unless appointments)

Are teens able to use public transport or learn to drive ?

This is spot on , if it isn’t possible to move house nearer town / good public transport then have a planner calendar and schedule things so that out so it works for you and that is it .
No more !

Is moving an option? I think if you choose to have sociable kids in a rural area then you need to accept your life is as a taxi driver.

This. First post nails it again.

You’re behaving like a teenager because their behaviour is activating your child ego state which is completely understandable.

work out what your boundaries are, set them and stick to them.

You said no direct bus, so there is bus but they might need to change and get another one? Then they can do that if it's something they really want to do. 20 teenage lads will be perfectly safe on a bus together.

Exactly. Or get your husband to do his share in any vehicle.

The worst part of all this is your DH giving you a list of things to and places to go for the next 3 days.
My DH would simply ask 'what do you need me to do' and get on with driving people around, pick up shopping, and all that normal family stuff.
Although I never ever declined giving lifts to my children and I'd actually offer if I thought the situation called for it, nobody takes the piss and drops various requests at random times with short notice.
The thing is, none of them know how you feel unless you tell them. So you need to express how you feel and you also need to give indications of your plans as and when you know them. Naturally, they should all work around your availability and sort themselves out the rest of the time.
Start asking for help. Every time. You're not here to run everyone's lives every minute of the day.
Be selfish. If you don't look after yourself, nobody else is going to until you are ill.
Since before having children, I carved out daily and weekly time for myself and maintained this throughout all the time. I simply say to DH I'm going to have time to myself. I might be reading, watching tv, have an at home spa time, have a nap, whatever I want. I also take the dogs for a walk and I simply go and say I'm walking the dogs. This is me time, no interruptions and I really enjoy this time. Equally DH gets to do the same. We just support each other to provide continuous care for the family.
Start with your DH, be selfish, stop doing everything for everyone and just take regular rest time for yourself. It's part of healthy living. The kids will simply fall in line and get on with it. Your parents it's a bit trickier but, unless it's an emergency, just put them off and delay visiting and doing stuff for them at the drop of a hat.

You are being very unreasonable in that this should never have become the situation in the first place. You are the one who brought your children up to be inconsiderate, selfish horrors who feel they can tell you what to do. You are the one who allows your husband to "organise" your time and allows him to tell you what you should be doing at any given time. Take responsibility for your life because you are the only one who can stop it all. If your son phones and says he (and his mates) want picking up "Now", you say "I can't come Now. You'll either have to wait until x time or find another way home. Let me know what you decide. And once you're here, I'm not going out again." If your husband tells you that you're going wherever and you don't want to (for whatever reason - if you don't want to, any reason is valid), you say "No. I don't want to do that. You go. You can use my car or get a taxi."
Like a PP, I can't believe your parents need that much help either, if you're only 41. I'm 69, my husband is 77 - we don't need our kids (38 and 41) to help us often, which is good because the nearest one is 2hours away. We might ask them to help move a heavy item up or downstairs, for example, but only if they were here anyway. We don't need them to live our day to day lives and I doubt your parents do either.
Sorting this out - all of it - is something you, and only you, can do.

Husband just thinks he can dictate out time.

He never goes anywhere without me .

Both really odd things aren't they?

Obvs if you're driving him atm that explains the 2nd one, but in general-you does he make you go with him if he has his own car & you don't want to go??

Can he drive your car? If so running the teenagers around can be his job. You already have your parents to look after.

As for your husband announcing that today WE are going to xyz, just say no if you don't want to go. He can't make you!

Im a teacher and im knackered. I stipulate boundaries and write it on the calendar in the kitchen. First day off pj day. Im doing nothing but use the domino's app to order a pizza and chill out with films and festive music. Then I might say you can have a busy day here or here or here but anything outside of that is earmarked for outdoor time and relaxation. Can your teenager not get a bus? Can they not be picked up later and get somewhere under their own steam?
As for my parents, my mum died this year and my dad is now on his own. He is 73 yrs and has to learn to do lots on his own. Its tough as he has always had my.mother but if I took over thats too much for me and I refuse to rent out parts of brain to others at the moment. I also have 2 siblings who are equally helpful in different ways so we get a good balance. Do you have siblings who can do stuff? If you are early 40s surely your parents are early to mid 70s? Thats get on withnit yourself territory in my eyes. My dad takes himself off to art classes and appts and kindly picks up from school 3 days for.me with his granddaughter. He comes for social time and a roast toasty dinner with us