AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

She should put herself first for much more than a day …

Just say no.
Teenagers can get around themselves, a very important skill they need to be learning.
DH is an adult, he doesn't need you to accompany him.
You haven't said you care for parents, so I'm guessing they are also capable of doing what they request you to do.
You're going to burn yourself out for no good reason.

What is it your DH has decided you need to do today and tomorrow that is so urgent and needs your attendance? Driving kids somewhere is one thing if you don't even need to get out of the car, but surely you can tell your DH you're tired and want to stay home

I do what I want and if I don’t want to do it, i don’t. I’ve spent most of the break chilling because that’s what I wanted to do. If it’s to do with school, eduction or medical things, then I’ll do it. Anything else? However my children and husband are all very considerate and not demanding so it’s easy to say the first line.

Why can’t your husband do some of the drop offs? What about getting them uber?

My children are a similar age and my husband does his share.

Unless you live somewhere without buses and your teenagers can't cycle for whatever reason, YABU. I rarely got a lift anywhere in my teens. I walked or cycled into the nearest town, three miles each way. How would your parents cope if you weren't there? Time to be too busy to drop everything at their bidding. .

You do. Say no and spend the day how you want. Instead of sulking tell your husband and kids how you feel and come to some sort of compromise. Put boundaries in place such as you don't need to attend anything if you haven't said yes in advance.

Well you know what your new year resolution needs to be, OP.

Definitely give the kids a set amount of money (only if chores have been done, obviously) per week and let them budget what they need out of that - bus fares to see their friends included. They are a few years away from adulthood and need to learn to live on what they have. And to use public transport. Have set times for doing things for your parents and stick to them. Stop letting your husband talk to you like you're an employee. Stand firm.

I think some of these replies are a little unrealistic. Despite a plethora of public transports near me I still sometimes needed lifts, which will be the same for my dc.

But you need rules, my non negotiables this 2 wks are lie ins where everyone knows not to disturb me & the dc are not to plan to see friends everyday (mine are younger).

I’m 56 and have only just started being able to dictate my days now the youngest is in his final year of A levels. Wish I had started setting boundaries earlier so please do take the advice from PPs here on how to do that!

In hindsight no one would have minded if I marked out personal time sooner - but because I was afraid things would fall apart without me, I partly created the situation. I took myself off to Greece for a creative writing week this summer and, lo and behold, the house was still standing, the dogs were still alive, the kids (17 and 20, but AUDHD) were alive/fed/washed, and my DH managed to work throughout and keep the fridge sticked. Kicking myself, not because I thought I was indispensable, but for not trusting that I had raised the kids well enough and married a good man - all of whom were perfectly capable of managing for a week.

regret to say, Whenisitmyturn29384, probably never?
Im 69,
parents v. elderly now but still around,
‘D’H had mental health ‘episode’ this time last yr. & is now ‘recovering’ but the meds stop home driving…or remembering to wash his hair etc. etc. yep I’m his carer, but feel he’ll outlive me.
& also 2 adult sons now semi- back working from home, means plenty car park juggling 🤪(have to laugh—-)

@IwishIcouldconfess Being a wife and mother doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself on the alter of martyrdom

I'm not a wife or a mother, but helping other people out with things is a normal part of having responsibilities.

Get down off your Cross, someone else needs the wood..

Uber, Buses, Trains, Home Delivery, Take Away, Ironing services, cleaners, pharmacy delivery etc etc etc

Use them all, it’s what they are there for.

I've chauffered many people. Never really bothered me.

Helping people out to the detriment of your own physical/mental health is just bloody stupid.

Helping people out is also teaching them to be self sufficient.

Ok. It's a choice.

This.

havent. Rtft but I predict a dickish husband will be at the heart of this.

Sorry but seems you’ve created a rod for your own back. All the peer is with you. Make the changes. Set boundaries. Stick to them. Stop being a martyr. Etc etc.

Just say NO and mean it. You're already a bit ill, living for others and not yourself? That's not good, but you are now recognising it.
I understand your teenagers need you, although my generation wouldn't think about asking parents for lifts. I remember once at the age of 23, my father picked me up from my workplace, it was an exception (night) and stated he won't be doing it many times more.
Your parents will have to manage without your input. Simple as that. People in general will let you do as much as you will do for them.
I never had children and left my country of origin at 25, not giving time and energy to my (emotionally abusive) parents was one of the reasons.
Never regretted a thing.
Good luck!
Edited to say, I'm 46, have a husband and still an elderly mother, who demands phone calls from me every day. I comply, simply because I'm the only "child" and will need my inheritance to leave husband and set up back in my country, by myself. 😊
22 years with parents, 2 years by myself and another 22 years with husband.
Yes, where are my own 20 years? Different circumstances, but I HEAR YOU.

Elderly parent was taken to medical appointments and I popped in a couple of times in the week but if they required shopping I got it delivered to them!
teenagers were given a monthly bus pass and allowance.
the house rule was that if you can’t get home then don’t go!
I was never taxied around as a teen, so it’s something I never have done

I think a lot of people on here think you can 'just say no'. It's clearly a lot more complicated than that!

I think it starts with valuing yourself and your own time. You might want to sit back and think about your idea of yourself and what you deserve. I think we are conditioned as women to undervalue ourselves and our time in the name of 'kindness' or 'duty' - we do feel like we are responsible for other people's lives and we're encouraged as children to be caring people as women. But we do need to care for ourselves and fight for our time too. In my case it took taking on studying as a way to carve space in my head that was for me, and was easily justifiable - "i need to read this book for my course" was easier for the family ( and my guilt about being productive) to understand than "I want some me time and I'm off to read this book". We are our own worst enemy here!

You're worth it - you really are. Believe it and own it. "I have plans this afternoon" is good enough.

Also decent scheduling so if they really do need a loft or something you know in advance. We have a travel WhatsApp group in the family now they are teens - they have to ask in advance,

I'll be honest, it took until my 60's to be in a position where I could choose what I do. I had a baby just before I was 41 - and I already had 4 children! As my children grew more independent my parents grew more needy. DF died and I took on the roll of carer for DM with support from my family. The DC's grew up and left home and DM deteriorated, showed signs of dementia and required far more support than I had ever imagined. But just before I was 60 a crisis in DM's health meant that she had to move from the granny annex into a care home and I got my life back.

My advice to you would be to establish boundaries now as firm as you can. Take all the help you can get with your parents. Do not fall into the trap of being on call 24/7.

It may seem that my 60's is a bit late to start living my life but DH and I have never been happier. We love our kids and our grandchildren but this is our time and we make the most of it. He is counting own the months to retirement and I had a midlife crisis and started studying for a degree. I'm not saying you have to wait until your 60's to live your life but even now there is a lot of life ahead of DH and I and we are living it to the full.

You do have a say, but you are not using it. It’s fine to say no, but I suspect you have been taught to be a people pleaser. If you don’t stand up for yourself now, when will you op? When you end up sick?

Stop being a martyr.....

Just say no to some things…I’m usually a busy bee in the festive season. But this year I made it clear I am not doing many visits/activities etc…And that’s what happened.

You are actually helping your DC and not just yourself if you ask for notice, time without errands etc. A lesson for life for them for when they leave home and are living with others.

Though your health and time is the main reason.