AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

Say no get a lift get dad to take kids wherever they want to go or Uber, say I’m tired and staying in bed to read my book I’ve been sorting all of you for weeks dad’s cooking dinner. Parents can manage a few days. You actually need to rest.

Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.

Just why?
After stamping your foot and storming off you STILL give in and get ready to go somewhere you don't want to go.

This situation will not change until you change.

Good for you! 😂

"I'm busy, sort it out with your father/the children".

We don't drive but live in city so kids get round under their own steam but they still run plans past us check they don't clash with other stuff.

This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.

Surley he's trying to plan time and what gets done out -- why didn't you say I need coffee first - and then no to teen shopping and then work out together what needs doing and when.

Are you so busy durring term that eveything left to the hoilday - and everything needs doing has to get squeezed in and this is DH trying to get this done?

This does seem a communication issue - you communciating you need down time and it's happening and then working with DH to work out what needs doing when not shutting it down or shoving it on everyone else because your job is leaving you exhausted. If you need time say no or say what you are doing and mean it.

Learn to say no

hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping

he can do it himself and teenager can get herself and friend to shopping, bus or uber

If you keep doing it they'll keep expecting it

Just stop.

I’ve found this- in your 40s you have more demands on your time as parents become older etc, then everyone else still expects you to carry on as before too! We just have to be assertive and say what we need and why. Folks aren’t helpless. They will survive without us! X

’NO’ is a complete sentence.
I’m similar age to you, 2 almost teenagers one younger and one parent in failing health.
I find myself the default parent as my DH works 6 days a week however since turning 40 I realised that I’ve got to stop being a drudge for everyone (I was a chronic people pleaser)
Now if I’ve been full on at work and juggling loads and one of the children ask me for a lift. I tell them to go and ask their Dad, if they’ve arranged to do something I ask how they are going to get there. We have public transport very near by or we lift share journeys with their friends parents.
When my parents ring and ask for a lift to an appointment instead of racing from work to pick up youngest child and then to pick up them from an appointment I tell them to book a taxi as they have the means to do something.
At first I got a few ‘don’t worry, we’ll take the bus then” to try and guilt trip me into doing it but after I agreed that the bus was also an option they only ask for lifts now if there is a genuine need.
I’m naturally an introvert so just the normal pressure of everyday life can feel pretty overwhelming without trying to everything for everyone else so I feel your pain!

Plus your menopause years creep in and you simply can’t do everything in the same way- the men don’t realise what it involves.

Time to put boundaries in place, especially with regard to your parents as their needs will only get greater.

There’s helping people out with things and there’s setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

OP, nothing new here, but all this will stop the second you say ‘no’. You need to start introducing phrases such as ‘So what?’ ‘I don’t care’, ‘Nope, not doing that’ and ‘you’re a bright boy/girl/man, I’m sure you’ll figure it out’.

A quick text to your mum and dad to tell them that if they need anything, write it down and you’ll deal with it on Monday, as your phone is being switched off.

Teens; a blanket ‘no’. If they got themselves there, they can get themselves back. If that means they have to walk four miles to the nearest bus stop, then so be it. We walked these distances when we were teens, there’s no reason they can’t. If they haven’t budgeted for it from pocket money, then they’re bang out of luck.

DH; ‘we’ aren’t going anywhere. You can go wherever you like, or you can join me on the sofa with a good book, a cup of tea and the biscuit tin. It’s either that, or I book myself into a hotel for a week and leave you all to it. Your choice’

And if there’s any pushback, then channel your inner teen and throw the mother of all tantrums. Tell them that you are sick of having to continually wipe the arses of adults and teenagers. You’re not doing anything for anyone until Monday and if anyone approaches you with a problem, they need to have to solution ready to go with it, that doesn’t involve your bank account or you getting off the sofa. You can do this!

Can he do the jobs himself - if so tell him to do that.

DH in edcuation sector and he's had an full on term - there a few jobs that have built up I do need him for ie can't do myself or with others and they've built up but he's had a good break doing nothing but chilling and these last few days I am trying to get these last few jobs done with him so they don't wait few more months. However it is a series of adult conversations - where we both speak and get listen to and no-one has to strop off in a snit.

Welcome to the middle years of life, when you are technically operating at the top of your game and younger and older generations both are needier than you. It's normal to feel this way - it evens out over a lifetime. I totally get that it's wearing and feel free to moan.

My parents had to do this in the end - set a day a week otherwise it took over and it did damage their health. They had to agree to days off with each other when they went out and did things together - and then days they'd deal with parents stuff - otherwise it was all the time.

Communication is your friend with this OP……..start by telling the teenagers to catch a bus to go shopping………tell your DH he can do those errands on his own………and after making sure your parents have enough food in, tell them you will see them again at a pre-planned day/time as you’re going to be doing xxxx and yyyy. Only you can make yourself unavailable to them all. Happy New Year and I hope you get some precious time to yourself!

Just say "no". Your husband can go run errands on his own. Your daughter can take the bus to go shopping. Your parents can wait a day (or ask someone else). Learn to put yourself first now and again.

Set expectations in advance. I think its reasonable people expect you do things if you are there, seem available, don't seem to mind.

So for next week agree a plan that is a good compromise.
If people then spontaneously want u to do something you can be busy instead. Like teenager arrives home with friend - what a shame you're out at a coffee shop reading a book or you're going for a walk.

Tell all your family you are OOO until Monday. Then spend the next few days doing whatever you want.

I really don’t get why you can’t say no? The more you say no the more the more they will check whether it suits you to do stuff for them before over committing on your behalf.

I feel quite the same, there's always someone wanting something or needing something and trying work, raise a kid, run a house, help out elderly/disabled parents - it's a lot and we find ourselves at the bottom of the list.

Its easy to say and difficult to do but you need to start setting boundaries. Block off time for yourself and make it clear to everyone that you are not to be disturbed, and stick to it. I started very simply with saying I am going for a bath and taking my book and I am NOT to be disturbed. Nobody is to knock the door or ask me questions. It took a few attempts for my daughter to get the message - not because of anything to do with her, but because previously I'd made so much more about her right to boundaries and never enforced any of my own.

Tell them in advance and brick wall them until they get the message. You're the only one who can do this, they won't go along with it without you drawing the line. I would start with Friday - tell your husband to take responsibility for what 'needs' done with your daughter as you're having a day off. And then do whatever you damn well please regardless of the fall out. Someone will be pissed off but it won't be you. Women need to take back their lives.

Edit: also with your parents it's really important that you set a schedule so you're not burning out. I don't visit my mum ad hoc, which sounds pretty awful, but the reason for that is exactly that she always needs something done. So if that's what the relationship looks like right now, then I pencil it in as the task it is. In the future I will try to set times where I can visit and NOT be expected to do things except just visit her.

As long as you keep saying yes, they keep expecting more from you and are less and less grateful.

We've had a teen with MH crisis which I wouldn't wish on anyone, but it is amazing how many things that used to feel essential or important just dropped away when push came to shove.

We have done very little this week. DH and I have spent a lot of time on the sofa. It's not aspirational but it was necessary so we did it. I think as women we are brought up to put our own needs and wants on the bottom of the pile. Unless you have a particularly solicitous partner the only person who is going to advocate for your choice is you. So do it. You ARE allowed and the world won't stop turning, I promise. You might even find they appreciate you more when you do less for them.

I see it as part of parenting to give children lifts, money etc BUT, why haven’t you and your husband raised them to be more considerate, give some warning of their plans and be grateful, not to just expect it and expect you to drop everything. By the teen years, if they’re raised well, they should consider others needs.

As for elderly parents, you’re not obliged to care for them in the same way you chose to have children that you must care for. They can get external help if they need it and you are unable to provide it.

Say no to your husband.

Get it sorted. Set some boundaries before your health suffers more. Stop being a martyr.

You are an adult. Say no more often. The more you do the more they expect.