AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

It's self-inflicted misery. Just say no to unreasonable requests.

Nobody likes a martyr!

You are staying at home today, in pyjamas. Nobody can make you do otherwise.

"I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere"
Start the new year by having a talk with them and telling them you want days off, so only prearranged lifts happen now. Have you picked somewhere rural to live? If not, they don't need lifts. You streamline your parents care, I've had to do it. I only shop twice a week for someone I care for. I make set days to do online stuff for them. There's no more random half days on the phone to the council etc. I've been tough and said they've got to embrace direct debits, over the phone payments, smart meters etc. My Saturdays are no longer spent doing their bidding because they want bets putting on, in a physical betting shop. You have an honest conversation with your DH. I take it you are in Peri menopause, or possibly starting? You will end up in complete burn out, if you don't take action now.

Why in gods name would you tolerate this?
Take to the bed and tell your husband not to come near you.
Tell your parents that you are unavailable and as for your teenagers, get the bus or ask your father.

Family will use you as much as they can and you allow.
We teach people how to treat us.
I have kids and none would be telling me I am doing anything.

They ask politely for a lift.
Woman up for 2026.

Say no to unscheduled interruptions unless they are a genuine emergency. What would you do if, say, one of your teens asked for a lift to a friend's house when you were on your way out the door to drive your mum to a doctor's appointment in the opposite direction? You'd have to say no, right? So say no when someone makes a last-minute request when you had time scheduled for yourself as well. And don't feel guilty about it.

Stop being a martyr, there isn't a special place in heaven for you.

You are doing this to yourself. Just say no.

No to unscheduled plans and no to agreeing to plans when you already have your own plan to relax and rest.

Just say no, and tell them to figure things out for themselves.

I totally get it OP. It depends of course on local public transport too, so often we tell our kids not to walk places alone then it backfires. I had an eye opener a few months back when ds asked/ demanded a lift when I just sat down and I overhead DH saying 'leave her alone now' and DS said 'why can't she bring me, she is doing nothing else now anyway'. After that things got much firmer for him and I realised he was becoming truly entitled and saw me as nothing but his slave. I had to really push back and even be a bit mean to get the message across.

I think you could start by insisting on a schedule, you'll know teens are notoriously bad at arranging in advance but they will have to try. On the schedule there are 2 days off for you. No lifts no dinners no laundry and no fixing random problems. If they get used to the concept of mum's day off they will learn to work around it

Say no. Stop being such a bloody martyr!

Actually from the last few sentences it sounds as though it's her husband micromanaging her - I'm wondering more why she has to go here and there with her adult husband...

When can I do what I want ?

Any time you want. Say 'no.', it's great.

@Whenisitmyturn29384 Those are called 'responsibilities'. Welcome to real life.

Chauffeuring people and a man demanding you do multiple things isn't responsibilities, it's a choice that can be declined altogether.

Oh bugger off, you sanctimonious ..........

Being a wife and mother doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself on the alter of martyrdom

@Whenisitmyturn29384 Just say no thanks.

Leave your PJs on, have a leisurely bath, read a book.

My teen is expected to get the bus to meet his friends (rural location so he needs to plan). I'll offer him a lift if it's convenient.

Does your DH not drive?

Give an agreed set amount of money each month, when it’s gone it’s gone. I wouldn’t include things like hair/ basic clothes/ toiletries in that budget. it’s for dinners out, make up and extra clothes.

if you’ve chosen somewhere rural to live then you are obligated to drive them about, if not they can discover the world of buses, trains and Ubers. Do all the options with them the first time so they understand how to pay, where to wait for the bus etc.

Getting out of a rut is one of life's hardest challenges, because where you are now suits the people around you. I'm 58 and still find it difficult to say stuff like, "I'm going out for the day on my own," and I don't have teenage kids and I do have a very sympathetic and accommodating wife, so I can imagine how difficult it is for you. But please do it. Psych yourself up: decide on something simple you want to do, plan when you're going to do it, tell your loved ones you're going to do it - then do it, and let the chips fall where they may!

Then try to get into the habit of doing this regularly. What I hope you'll find is your feelings of grievance will lessen the more you do it. As your husband and children begin to understand that the world won't end because you refuse to go along with your plans, they will get used to the new you and - hopefully - support you. Or at least tolerate you. But it doesn't matter if they don't - that's their problem! Good luck.

It's hard to tell from this of you are being a martyr, if your husband is micromanaging you or if your children are ungrateful and taking the piss.

You can control your responses though.

Have you said to anyone-'I'm exhausted and I need some time where I'm not being expected to do chores for other people. That's what I'll be doing for the next three days, please entertain yourselves.'

With teens and elderly parents and a husband, no you can't have everything you want, but in no way should you be exhausting yourself running around like this.

Set some boundaries - decide how much time out you need, what resources you have left and divvy them out with some rules attached - requests for lifts etc in at the start of the week, accepted or rejected and divvied between you and your husband, parents needs fitted into a couple slots, and making sure they ask for things in advanced so you can order online rather than run about.

You and your husband need to have a strong chat about this - sandwiched between olds and teens you need to minimise demands on each other for these years (not neglect each other, but be v considerate).

A lot of it is getting requests in in advance so you can ask them to find alternatives if you can't do it, and organise it v efficiently if you can.

Put your PJ on and book a holiday day with yourself and the family.

We book in PJ days. I’m a scrolling on sofa and my son is watching Captain America. My daughter is fast asleep and my husband at work.

Say this to your parents too I need a break to decompress. I need to take this Fridays off for me.

Jusy say no. Give them set days where you will be available for errands and lifts and stuff, and then they know on the other days they shouldn't be arranging stuff. If you always say yes and enable them to be taking advantage of you like this, how do they know not to?

Tell teenagers you are run off your feet and from now on they will get lifts in exchange for chores. Chore has to be done before lift. I do this with my teen DD - I'll do short lifts or emergency situation etc without the chore, but usually she has to do one. It takes some of the load off me, teaches her responsibility and not to take the piss, and she's learning how to do housework and what needs doing to run a home as well.

Tell DH you have as much right to decide what's happening as he does and you can and will say no. He should also be doing his share of lifts, housework, errands etc especially as you both work.

Elderly parents is a harder one but could teens help out?

And remember if you had flu or a migraine and were really out of action, they'd all have to suck it up. Don't overdo it obviously but if there is no other way to get people off your back, having a terrible headache once in a while can be a way to get the break you need. Especially as you do have health problems and probably do actually need that day in bed.

I also recommend a book called A Woman in your Own Right by Anne Dickson. It's a really clear, practical guide to how to stand up for yourself and communicate what you need without ending up getting angry, being a martyr etc (though I'm not blaming you for that, it's understandable but there's a better way!).

Honestly and in the kindest way, you stop acting like a stroppy teenager and instead act like the adult you are.

You tell the teenagers that they either organise in advance or sort their own transport via buses or shankys pony (my 12 yo can do it)

Tell husband that he is a grown ass adult and he can sort the shopping trip as you have run about olafter everyone all holiday and are having a day to yourself.

You tell your parents that you are unavailable until x date and they will need to organise other options.

Stop being a doormat.