AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

The word is “No.”

It is a complete sentence. The world won’t fall apart if DH and teenage children have to sort themselves out to where they’re going. You want to stay home in Jamie’s and read. Thats your plan. Stick to it.

You need to take control of your own life. Tell your kids that if they don't ask first then they don't get a lift. You are in charge of them, not the other way round.

DD 17, wouldn't dream of arranging anything without asking me first. If I can't take her then she doesn't go or she has to find an alternative way of going.

Tell your DH that you want a quiet day and won't be going anywhere. Tell your DD that you can't take her shopping.

and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping
umm, no. Why can’t he take them? I’m assuming from your post he can’t drive himself, so he needs to get the bus/taxi. This will continue until you stop it OP. None of them will magically wake up and realise you need a break.

Hugs op, it’s so difficult to find the balance, exact same except I work in retail and literally had three days off this whole holiday and uk th help do stuff each of these days. Because I work weekends it means every single day in December I was up for one reason or another. It sucks

Do you live rurally? Is there no public transport? I’ve got 2 teens and they get themselves to where they need to go. I’ve been reading books and doing jigsaws in my PJs. They’re currently off doing whatever with their mates. 14 and 16.

This!
Use your words.
They only treat you this way because you let them.

There are shades of grey in this too. Eg teen and friend get bus into town and you pick them up later. Even if you have to drop them at a suitable bus stop, it would give you most of the day back.

I agree and I also agree that it does depend on public transport options (some MNers clearly have never lived rurally where transport options are very limited!) I like your suggestion - it seems workable longer term.

ha ha, it'll work though lol 😄

This! I’ve got a 17 year old. He doesn’t assume I’ll give him a lift. He has to ask. If it’s not convenient for me, he walks or goes on the bus.

OP hasn't come back…

Sadly, instead of nursing a cuppa - or something stronger - in bed, reading a book or chatting to friends on the phone or posting on MN, she is still out and about, running errands and doing things she doesn’t want to do.

@Whenisitmyturn29384 - what needs to happen for you to start looking after yourself and prioritising YOUR needs and wants, at least some of the time - especially when you are as exhausted and fed up as you clearly are.

Cancer?

Why do you have to go out with your DH? Why do you have to take teenagers shopping (nube wiuud be mortified). Just say ‘nope I’m taking the next X days off - if you want a lift ask someone else, if you want dinner, cook it yourself, if you want clean clothes, there’s the washing machine’!
I’m a widow. It is perfectly doable for one parent to do the grunt work if the other is not there, whether figuratively or actually.

Exactly.

Last year, my daughter bought me a flat, table diary. You open it up, lie it out on the table and if needed can pull bits out etc.

Every Sunday, we go through who needs to be where and who is doing it. We add in which person is at work everyday and who is cooking the tea. Clubs/ school/playdates/ shopping deliveries. Everyone has to make some sort of contribution. At 13 my youngest can't drive (rude!) but she can make a cake or wash up; if I am work and OH isn't, he can cook the tea. Eldest daughter has a day off- she can clear the kitchen. There are 4 functioning people in this house and in some way, big or small, they can help.

Same as you- parents ringing me to check 'is this a scam?' Kids needing last minute things for school, work etc etc. I can't do it all on my own- so now we are absolutely expected to work as a team. Tomorrow is my day- nowhere to be, no-one to collect, lie in and sales browsing- can't wait!

It took a while of constantly repeating- 'if it's not on the calendar, I'm not doing it,' but we got there in the end.

even if transport options are limited, it doesn't mean that the OP has to bridge the gap.

OP you are NOT unreasonable and clearly you have reached the end of your limits. Start saying no, tell them what will work for you, and what will not. Realistically not everything can be avoided … but if you could halve your ‘work load’, wouldn’t that be a huge win? I have started doing this a couple of years ago. With ups and downs, but still. My best friend just told me yesterday: I have enough, I’m going to do more of what I want. (We are both early fifties) You can do this too, OP, and no need to wait until you’re 50! I really hope you’ll create some moments of peace for yourself. Onwards and upwards in 2026!

Sadly, instead of nursing a cuppa - or something stronger - in bed, reading a book or chatting to friends on the phone or posting on MN, she is still out and about, running errands and doing things she doesn’t want to do.

Well yes because in her post she puts that she was begrudgingly getting ready.

Implement time saving strategies and set some boundaries.

Does your husband not drive? If he doesn't and it's not due to medical reasons, he gets a license and starts driving. It's non negotiable.

First, your teens. They can't make final plans before ✅ ng in if you or your husband are able to drive them. If they don't check first, the answer is no. Your husband needs to split this driving with you. They have to pick up more and bigger household chores if they want money. You just giving them money proves to them that there are money trees and you are it. With teens, you should be doing less housework than them. They should be shouldering a lot. They have to get that work = money.

Elderly parents. Set a time per week to run their errands. Appointments, you might not be able to do. Taxi or Uber or if there is senior transport a ailanle, they get that squared away.

Your husband. He has to check in with you about activities just like the teens. You are not his surgical appendage.

Have groceries delivered. Teens put them away. Batch cook or cook double or triple portions and freeze leftovers in containers so you can pull out portions. They start doing some cooking.

For you. You need to address your health issues. Sitting around watching tv and eating crap is not the way. Make your appointments for what needs doing and screens and get it done. This is a non negotiable.

Will your husband pick up the slack if you burn out and become seriously ill?

You've been an enabling people pleaser and martyring yourself for nothing. You need to set some time during the week for yourself. But eat something healthy instead of crap.

He will. You know it

You are nbu. It is exhausting. Same here. Put eldery parents in the mix, with one unwell in hospital and second with dementia still at home, and I live 100 miles away. I have cried so much this holiday period, being stretched and trying to meet demands of Christmas, teenagers and parents. It's the time of our lives unfortunately. A good cry, a movie and glass of something at night is my release. Do something for yourself if you can. Even a movie or a soak in the bath!

Give them advance notice that at such and such a time on such and such a day, mum will not be available. Going forward, put in boundaries as to asking you first, as you won’t be dropping your own plans to facilitate others anymore.
Only you can change this.

My Christmas present off husband was a couple of nights away at a spa. He drove, took me for dinner and I have basically done nothing.

If you don’t communicate your wants don’t expect other people to read your mind.

Did you tell husband and children at the start of the holidays that you would be unavailable for the last few days?

Yes,
Let the liddle darling go sulk
Your 42 year old cannot quite believe that his chauffeur/mother who needs rest and recuperation herself should not put him first.
If he doesn't want to drive he needs to find himself a cab firms phone number or discover his new-found appreciation of public transport
Just curious, did he at least pay your petrol/ev charge fee costs??

Agree. As a teen, it was a 3 mile walk each way to the bus stop, the bus was once an hour in the week, 3 times a day on a weekend, stopped running at 5:30pm and often came early/left before it was due as it only HAD to stop at certain points despite all being timetabled. It was over an hour on the bus to town, so the bus + walk combo was a 2 hour each way trip to see friends when it was a 25 min drive. It was also £15 for a return 17 years ago, I dread what it is now! My parents used to complain no end about having to give lifts but never once thought about their children when we moved to rural North Yorkshire when I was 11. I moved out at 16 to a local city.

OP - you still deserve boundaries though, even if you’re rural. But you need to find ways to implement these (including as others have suggested being honest with all involved and also making your husband step up if he doesn’t already).