AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

People love to play the martyr. Yawn.

Perhaps try to flip your perspective. You have lots of people and relationships in your life and relationships by their very nature will make demands of you. Better than being alone or lonely?

I co parent teens and am divorced. Life is quite lonely and quiet and dull a lot of the time. I’d sooner be busy and have more relationships in my life.

I’ve been there and got the T shirt, I wish I hadn’t let it creep up because it really does.

Start drinking with breakfast then you won't be able to drive.

Ive had teenagers and could easy have slipped into your routine if I didnt prioritise myself sometimes.
The kids didnt often ask for lifts but I would pick and choose what I gave.
Was happy to college until ds2 past his test ( college was over 30 miles away) and he usually made his own way back.

If they were out late at night me or dh woul pick up but would often share the chore wion rotation with their mates parents or they would get a taxi back. It was cheap enough when it was shared 4 ways.

I didnt do day time lifts. The lads usually shared a taxi which was cheaper, quicker and took them directly to where they wanted to go than getting a bus into town and out to their destination.

Dh more often than not puts my needs first ( I wish he would put himself first instead of the bottom of the pile but thats another thread) but your dh should take no for an answer and back you up with teen lifts and tell them to sling their hook!! Say no, you dont fancy going out, he can, but you want a chill day.

With parents give them a time frame that your free. Say mum, dad, ive got a lot of stuff going on if you need any errands im free on.......... at.........

Get the teens to help out. Say 'i need you to pop in to see nan and grandad tomorrow morning they need a couple if errands doing.

Its hard at saying no but just remember you only have two hands to lend and they get tired!

From what I have seen once someone assumes a particular burden it becomes theirs for life. Once you step up anyone else who might have been required or expected to step up take several large steps backwards. They then convince themselves that you are doing it because you enjoy it or are better at it. They then put it completely out of their minds and see it as not their problem.
It seems to be especially the case when it comes to elderly parents, the sibling who starts doing the work quickly feels completely trapped and overwhelmed.
The other siblings carry on with their lives, secure in the knowledge that they can get away with doing nothing but they will still get their share of the money.

Exactly this.
Where I come from, it's called a "Sandwich generation". Mostly women. I firmly refused to become one of these. My elderly uncle says "men in my family are shit, but women are great".
Well, no, the men say loud and clear they don't have the time. Neither do I.

Apart from working, for which you are given money in exchange, you will be the age that this stops when you are the age to get yourself a backbone and stop doing it. And yes you are being unreasonable by behaving as though this is someone else's fault.

When you stand up for yourself

no you don’t need to take anyone shopping - is there a bus?

yiu don’t need to strip just use words like “that’s a no form me “ “I’m having a quiet day as I’m tired “ “ask your dad “

Stop and take a breath.

Ask yourself - are my needs and wants really less important than everyone else’s?

When you realise they are just as important then think about how you get them met.

Setting boundaries is hard because you will feel guilty and the family will resist (I speak from experience). Why would they go along with your boundaries when that makes their life less easy.

Pick a couple of things you feel you can enforce. I started with ones that were hard for anyone to challenge such as I go off duty at 10pm at night (it’s now earlier but I started at 10pm). So barring genuine emergencies I would not deal with any request after 10pm. If people weren’t listening I went and sat in bed with a book.

I take Saturday off, no admin or housework unless I need something done.

DH and the DS (late teens and early 20’s) still seem to expect me to do things when it suits them but I am much more comfortable saying “no I will do it in an hour” or “why do you need me to do this, do it yourself”. They still push the boundary but I keep repeating it. I also don’t give reasons as that creates the impression I am prepared to be persuaded otherwise.

It will feel uncomfortable at first and it will take adjustment all round but over time people will adjust their expectations.

TL:DR - you are entitled to time and space and you don’t need to justify it to anyone

Start saying no then

Take control of your own life

What is going on with everyone today - jumping on the OP like this!. As I posted upthread, it's really difficult to get out of habits like this. 'Growing a backbone' requires serious rethinking of one's ideas about oneself. It's hard! Some people find it impossible. Grow some empathy

Why aren’t your teens taking public transport, do you live in a super remote area? I was taking public transport to meet friends or go to the cinema from 11 years old. It’s good for building independence and confidence although I admit I was sometimes a bit jealous of children whose mothers drove them everywhere.

If my, or anyone else's, "harsh" comments hike the OP out of the mindset she is in now then I will happily bypass growing some (more) empathy

@Thegrassroots26

so…what?? OP should think herself lucky and suck it up??

NO!

there’s a big difference between being busy and being a martyr

its perfectly possible to have relationships which don’t involve the woman sacrificing herself and being a martyr.

When you're someone who has quite a sacrificial nature, you end up conditioning other people to treat you like their personal slave. This situation sounds difficult, and it's one that you have co-created.

Which means it's absolutely within your power to change it. There's no point becoming upset and stressed over it while continuing to choose to do all of this.

Figure out what level of ferrying around you're comfortable with for both generations (and I mean genuinely comfortable, you're happy doing it, and won't resent it), and stick to it.

You can make a big thing out of announcing it if you want, or simply start tomorrow accepting the things you want to do and declining the stuff you don't.

Your last few sentences kinda suggest you've slipped into quite a passive, moody teenager role, where you're being a bit petulant saying 'when is it my turn!?' as if it's up to someone else to grant. It isn't. It's your choice.

It sounds like you need some boundaries and to set some rules. I know it's easier said than done particularly once you are already in a pattern.

But things like, why do you need to take your daughter and friend shopping? Cant they take themselves?

Everyone needs to start asking you before assuming things. You said that your children arranged things assuming you'd be available. That needs to stop. Either they ask you before agreeing it (and stick to your guns when you say no) or you tell them what days you will or will not be available and leave it up to them to work around that.

You deserve a break. It clearly wont be offered so you need to enforce it.

Nobody will respect you and your time until you start respecting yourself.

Say no. Tell them to make their own arrangements. Refuse to go along with their plans unless you're asked (and agree) in advance. It's all perfectly possible.

Been there, done that, still doing it despite children all in their 30s, one sickly/aged/demented parent left and me retired.

99% of the time I'm fine with it and wouldn't swap - but sometimes I'd like a day off, a phone call that doesn't result in cars to repair, leaks to fix etc.

If it's parents' taxis tell them they need to book and swap other tasks to save you a bit of time ie they take bins out, walk dogs, hoover etc.

All the best.

I'm assuming husband doesn't drive?

Why do you have to do what he wants?

Just stick your gown on.

Make a hot drink and vegetate in front of the TV.

And don't move for any reason.

If anyone has any questions or tells you to do anything just nod your head while enjoying your drink

They cant force you to move. And they're old enough to take care of themselves.

I am curious @Whenisitmyturn29384 , why don't you say No? Why can't you say No?
I am genuinely curious.
Youndonsound like a teenager and react like a teenager. Were your parents very strict? Shouty? Punitive? when you were growing up?

Is your DH Shouty? Punitive? A sulker? Controlling? Pushy? Relentless?

You know you do have agency over your own time, right?

Why are you grudgingly getting ready instead of just NOT getting ready, sit and enjoy your cup of tea and tell DH and DP that today is for you. Fullstop. And maybe even tomorrow too.

What is the worst would happen? Let me tell you

• Life would go on and
• you would get some rest,
• you would some brain space,
• you would get some breathing space
• in addition you would add a few more days to the whatever longevity of good health itbcurentlybstands at
• you will also gain yourself some respect and consideration from your loved ones

Try and love yourself

You have Cancer so you need to slow down a bit! I have had Cancer too and have learnt to delegate tasks .Your DH is being unfair.Surely he can take Teen and friend or drop them off? Is public transport avaliable at all.You need to rest and take it easy!

You will continue to be treated this way for as long as you allow it to continue. People pleasing comes in all forms

You cannot change other people's behaviour, only yours. Instead of building resentment and seething that others put their expectations and demands upon you, take action and start using your words

No is a complete sentence. Perhaps 2026 is the year you start putting yourself first!