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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about the man I’ve been seeing

193 replies

whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 13:43

I’ve been seeing someone for 17 months - long distance a 2hr drive away. I mainly go to him as we do a hobby together where he lives. We see one another every 2 weeks or so. Recently he has not replied to messages for several days . We both live alone and, apart from this hobby, doesn’t do much else - I have family very near. He hasn’t replied to my message on Saturday - messaged today to ask if he is ok - not read so tried to phone - again no reply so left a voice message asking him to let me know he’s ok. He would normally do the hobby this afternoon - I know someone who also attends at the same time - would it be unreasonable to contact her to ask if he is there? He hates drama as do I but I’m getting really worried - it could be that he’s just ghosting me and don’t want to involve others if that is the case.

OP posts:
WareColkar · 30/12/2025 13:45

I’d leave it a few more days OP but I voted YANBU

youalright · 30/12/2025 13:46

I would message them just to check he's ok I don't think you are unreasonable to do that

Eyesopenwideawake · 30/12/2025 13:46

I would (contact her). Worth the possible slight embarrassment factor to put your mind at rest. If he isn't the next step is to ask the police to do a welfare check. How old is he?

FionnulaTheCooler · 30/12/2025 13:47

I would be worried too, does he have any mental health issues? It's a bad time of the year for those with these struggles, I've seen a few posts on my local Facebook page this past week about a nearby bridge that's a notorious suicide spot being closed by police while they attempt to talk someone down. I would ask your mutual friend to check in on him and put your mind at rest.

ArseSkinForAFriend · 30/12/2025 13:48

I don't understand how a quick text to check if he's there and ok is 'drama'.

If he is there and is ok and ignoring you, he'd be the dramatic one.

musicforthesoul · 30/12/2025 13:49

I'd contact her. Think its worth the potential embarrassment if going silent for a few days is out of character. After 17 months you know what's normal.

Original poster
whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 13:49

Eyesopenwideawake · 30/12/2025 13:46

I would (contact her). Worth the possible slight embarrassment factor to put your mind at rest. If he isn't the next step is to ask the police to do a welfare check. How old is he?

He is 66

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/12/2025 13:50

If it’s WhatsApp, can you see his last online? That could tell you if he’s ghosting you or not.

LilyFeather · 30/12/2025 13:52

Well, what’s his normal pattern of contact? Is this unusual or do you often have lulls in communication?

The answer to that will probably set the tone for what you should do next

Original poster
whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 13:54

FionnulaTheCooler · 30/12/2025 13:47

I would be worried too, does he have any mental health issues? It's a bad time of the year for those with these struggles, I've seen a few posts on my local Facebook page this past week about a nearby bridge that's a notorious suicide spot being closed by police while they attempt to talk someone down. I would ask your mutual friend to check in on him and put your mind at rest.

He doesn’t have any mental health issues that I have seen - I’m more worried about an accident at home - he does tend to get very absorbed in things - he isn’t a great communicator and I have been considering ending things - things are great when we are together but not so when we are apart

OP posts:
ilovepixie · 30/12/2025 13:54

I would contact the friend and ask
if he was at the hobby. At least that way you will know if he’s ghosting you or not.

Gasbox · 30/12/2025 13:55

Yeah I would have to contact the friend in your position OP, I'd worry myself sick otherwise. I don't see that as creating drama, it seems pretty normal to me to be worried in these circumstances.

Original poster
whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 13:55

arethereanyleftatall · 30/12/2025 13:50

If it’s WhatsApp, can you see his last online? That could tell you if he’s ghosting you or not.

He has last seen turned off - always has done

OP posts:
BinNightTonight · 30/12/2025 13:57

Id message the friend, if he is ghosting you then at least you know!

Ineffable23 · 30/12/2025 13:59

Are the texts still delivering, i.e. two ticks, or just sending i.e. one tick?

I think it's fine to check with his friend but I would be a lot more concerned if you're down to one tick as that would suggest he hasn't charged his phone.

CottageLoaf · 30/12/2025 14:01

I'd probably send him another message first, outlining that you are concerned about his welfare, and just a quick 'hello/all fine' reply text from him is enough. Let him know that if you don't hear from him in another 24 hours then you'll ask police to do a welfare check. If he is avoiding you, then that should shake him out of it.

JaceLancs · 30/12/2025 14:01

I had similar dilemma a few years ago and as it was really bad weather (warnings not to travel) and he lived an hour away - I had to ask police to do a welfare check - he had fallen down the stairs and had been there over 24 hours - glad I didn’t leave it longer

Original poster
whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 14:01

Ineffable23 · 30/12/2025 13:59

Are the texts still delivering, i.e. two ticks, or just sending i.e. one tick?

I think it's fine to check with his friend but I would be a lot more concerned if you're down to one tick as that would suggest he hasn't charged his phone.

The message has been delivered and his phone rang out so left a voice message

OP posts:
MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 14:01

whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 13:55

He has last seen turned off - always has done

Show quote history

If there are 2 ticks of whatever colour his phone is still charged. He's fine. He's ghosted you

Original poster
whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 14:03

MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 14:01

If there are 2 ticks of whatever colour his phone is still charged. He's fine. He's ghosted you

Show quote history

I sort of hope he has

OP posts:
DecafSoyaLatteExtraShotPlease · 30/12/2025 14:03

I would ask the mutual friend if he's there if it's normal for him to attend, and if not then I'd be reporting a concern for welfare. I'd rather do that unnecessarily than not and it's warranted

333FionaG · 30/12/2025 14:09

I would definitely ask his friend to check that everything is okay. That's not creating drama, it's caring.

Zanatdy · 30/12/2025 14:10

get someone to check. Happened to me with a friend last Christmas. Sadly she is no longer with us.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 30/12/2025 14:11

whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 14:03

I sort of hope he has

Show quote history

If he were dead or in hospital, his phone wouldn't be charged after all this time. He's fine

PebbleDashAtOne · 30/12/2025 14:13

His phone might be left on charge.