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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about the man I’ve been seeing

193 replies

whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 13:43

I’ve been seeing someone for 17 months - long distance a 2hr drive away. I mainly go to him as we do a hobby together where he lives. We see one another every 2 weeks or so. Recently he has not replied to messages for several days . We both live alone and, apart from this hobby, doesn’t do much else - I have family very near. He hasn’t replied to my message on Saturday - messaged today to ask if he is ok - not read so tried to phone - again no reply so left a voice message asking him to let me know he’s ok. He would normally do the hobby this afternoon - I know someone who also attends at the same time - would it be unreasonable to contact her to ask if he is there? He hates drama as do I but I’m getting really worried - it could be that he’s just ghosting me and don’t want to involve others if that is the case.

OP posts:
Grammarninja · 30/12/2025 16:37

Thank God, he's alive. Now you need to give this relationship a serious think, Op xxx

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 30/12/2025 16:40

He doesn't sound like a good partner. He doesn't even sound like a good friends with benefits. He's like a long distance burden at this point.

Original poster
whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 16:55

TheCorrsDidDreamsBetter · 30/12/2025 16:40

He doesn't sound like a good partner. He doesn't even sound like a good friends with benefits. He's like a long distance burden at this point.

I suppose we were FWB but I stayed over for several nights when meeting up - still no word from him and messages not read - hope he does call - I’ll tell him what I think !

OP posts:
Friendlygingercat · 30/12/2025 17:09

Not suggesting there is some serious trouble with your friend but I would check all the same with the woman who goes to the hobby. Then you can make a decision as to what you want to do.

I have a freind that I usually hear from every few days and he comes to visit me once a week. One week my emails and phone calls were unanswered and he didnt turn up on his usual day. I had tthe feeling something was wrong so got a taxi down to his flat Although he did answer the door it was obvious he had had a stroke. Of course I rang the ambulance and went with him to the hospital. He recovered but still has some residual mobility problems. He says he tried to anser the phone when I called but his fingers would not work on the buttons and he kept dropping the phone. He doesnt remember much from the two days when the stroke happened and he was lying on the bedroom floor. I think that if I had managed to get to him sooner he might have made a better recovery.

LavenderLucy · 30/12/2025 17:18

Possibly mental health issues judging by what your mutual friend has said now. He doesn’t sound entirely well.

YourDearCat · 30/12/2025 17:44

It's nice to know you care. He is a fortunate guy. I find it bizarre that he is not in contact over the Xmas and NY period. Could this be related to your hobby ? Good luck

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 30/12/2025 17:56

Well at least you know he's not dead 🙄 his ex was right, he is a twat.

JustForHere · 30/12/2025 17:58

RollOnSunshine · 30/12/2025 16:27

A few days without a response is not ghosting. Some of you are proper phone addicts.

Don’t be silly. Unless you’ve teleported in from 2001 many people do text more often in the normal course of things.

FollowSpot · 30/12/2025 18:18

OP, I wouldn't wait for him to contact you / respond to your messages.

Take control.

Say you hope he has had a good Christmas but it is clear that whatever relationship you have had, it isn't working, it's fine if he wants an arrangement where he isn't in contact but this isn't for you going forward - so enjoy 2026 but we'll go into 2026 as single entities and you consider your arrangement over.

Middlemarch123 · 30/12/2025 18:21

I think you should absolutely tell him what you think @whyisnothingsimple .
I’m a year or two younger than you, and ended a similar relationship late summer. He played games, went quiet, etc. one day I woke up and it was like a switch had flicked, I just thought I’m getting too old for this shit. I ignored that he was ignoring me, and when he eventually got in touch after a couple of weeks I told him I’d taken the quiet time to think, and decided I wanted to be alone, and whatever we had was good, but we’d reached the end of the road, no hard feelings. He insisted on coming to mine to talk. He arrived, was greeted by my huge son and son in law who handed him a bin liner of his stuff that he had at mine, telling him I’d gone to stay with family in Wales. I blocked him, he’s still blocked. We have more years behind us than in front of us lovely, if we chose to spend time with anyone, then they need to be worth our effort. X

Newbabynewhouse · 30/12/2025 18:23

I'd message to check he's alive... once you know he's alive and well, I'd take the hint that he's not interested anymore but doesn't want to tell you so was trying to ghost... sorry

Newbabynewhouse · 30/12/2025 18:26

I'd message to check he's alive... once you know he's alive and well, I'd take the hint that he's not interested anymore but doesn't want to tell you so was trying to ghost... sorry

willadvicemess · 30/12/2025 18:33

whyisnothingsimple · 30/12/2025 16:08

Just spoken to mutual friend - says he’s been very (unusually) quiet and she sees him most days - also very pale but very focused on the hobby - has said she’ll keep our chat private

Maybe he has been unwell then? If he's alot more quiet then normal or pale he might have been unwell and not want people to know for whatever reason

Tinsles · 30/12/2025 18:33

He's a rude twat, at least now you have proof.
Move on for 2026.
Goid luck to you.

SomethingRattling · 30/12/2025 19:01

So glad he's alive and well(ish).

Imbusytodaysorry · 30/12/2025 19:05

@whyisnothingsimple is he married and can’t reply as at home with his family

Tuesdayschild50 · 30/12/2025 19:07

You are definitely not unreasonable to check he is ok if this seems out of character.
He could be unwell I had flu and couldn't look at my phone for a couple of days just didn't have the energy.
I'd hope he hasn't ghosted not nice behaviour.

Trallers · 30/12/2025 19:23

How rude of him! On the other hand, both my mum and I have recently had an issue wirh whtasapp where it has stopped giving alerts for messages and missed calls. You still get the message but you have to go into that string and look for it to know that person had messaged/called you. Reinstalling whatsapp fixed it. If that's happened to him then he might not have realised you've sent anything to him.

Still, ghosting sounds the most likely option.

YourZippyHare · 30/12/2025 19:26

Thing is, does he not care that you might have been worried about him? It's not on, ghosting a partner like that.

LamentableShoes · 30/12/2025 19:28

willadvicemess · 30/12/2025 18:33

Maybe he has been unwell then? If he's alot more quiet then normal or pale he might have been unwell and not want people to know for whatever reason

Show quote history

If you wanted to pretend you were ok and not unwell you would rely to a text asking whether you're ok, saying "I'm ok".

Ocelotfeet27 · 30/12/2025 19:32

Hmmm maybe he's unwell or had some bad news. Obviously no excuse to ignore you but I'd keep a bit of a open mind about staying in touch (though probably wouldn't keep a relationship going).

hollyandribbon · 30/12/2025 19:36

If he’s misplaced his phone, surely he’d be pleased to see mutual friend at activity? “Can you let whyisnothing know that I can’t find my phone, that I’m not ignoring her I just can’t find my phone atm” He’s either a thoughtless prick who doesn’t care that he’s not contacted you or he doesn’t want to contact you.

Or, he can’t work out why his WhatsApp isn’t working. But he could still call…

Daisymay1000 · 30/12/2025 20:03

If his phone is still ringing he’s clearly charged it so I’d take it as ghosting

PixieDust91 · 30/12/2025 20:37

He's fine. The chance that something horrible happened to him and he can't access his phone to respond to you is less than you going out and winning the lottery.

You need to ask yourself... is this the kind of love you want? Stop letting these clowns clown you. I suggest you leave this fool in 2025. But you do you.

SliceofTosst · 30/12/2025 21:47

At least you know. What a knob.