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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my baby to funeral

277 replies

Sadtiredoverwhelmed · 29/12/2025 23:54

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

OP posts:
DustyMaiden · 29/12/2025 23:57

I took my 3month DS to FILs funeral. He was too young to understand. It was actually lovely gave everyone a distraction when they felt overwhelmed.

Mumof1andacat · 29/12/2025 23:57

There is no rules in the uk that I'm aware of with regards to babies going in to crematorium. Many people feel it's not appropriate for children to attend funerals. I know your baby is very young. Speak to your mum and aunt.

Erin1975 · 29/12/2025 23:57

Your Aunt is talking bollocks. I've been to funerals and very young children were present. Sitting near the back so you can go outside for a few minutes if they start crying is more than reasonable.

DappledThings · 30/12/2025 00:00

You'll get a variety of opinions but it wouldn't cross my mind to worry about it or not take the baby. Completely normal in my world for children of all ages to be there.

Certainly there is no legal issue, that's 100% bollocks.

rwalker · 30/12/2025 00:02

Personally I’d go and sh waits outside crem with baby then all go to the wake

as others said there no set rules on this but j wouldn’t want my baby crying at a crem service

as for taking them out as soon as they’ve cried it too late the disruption has happened

and if you did piss people off there hardly going to say it directly to you face at a funeral

Wildywondrous · 30/12/2025 00:05

I took my 1 month old to my Dad's funeral, it never crossed my mind not to.
As someone else said she was a welcome distraction and talking point at the wake too.

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 30/12/2025 00:06

Im so sorry for your loss 💐

It's not illegal to have babies at a crematorium at all.

I would maybe give your aunt a call and see what the real reason is, but I would respect their wishes for the funeral.

They can't tell you where to stay though, so find something within your budget nearby.

ArseSkinForAFriend · 30/12/2025 00:08

Your aunt is being a twat.

I recently buried my dad and I couldn't have told you if there were any babies at all in the church, as I was obviously upset and concentrating on the funeral.

And they're a pleasurable distraction at any wake I've been to.

kaffkooks · 30/12/2025 00:09

I took my 10 week old baby to the crematorium, the church service and wake for my father. Then, at 12 weeks old my baby came to my husband's great aunt's funeral. He mainly slept through both funerals in his pram. For my Dad's funeral, baby was in church with my in-laws who would have taken him out if he started making too much noise. For the great aunt's funeral, I sat on the end of a row in the crematorium and would have walked out with baby if he was disturbing the service. It is completely possible but you need to have everything organised and timed so that you have what you need and baby is hopefully asleep at the right time.

NuffSaidSam · 30/12/2025 00:10

I would contact the crematorium directly and if they say it's ok call your Aunt (or text) and say "Good news! I checked with the crematorium and it's actually fine to take small babies in, so both DH and I will be able to be there after all. We are so relieved as we both loved GF so much and really wanted to be there".

Mistletoeiggi · 30/12/2025 00:12

I've taken a baby to a cremation. LO didn't cry, but would have gone out if that happened. The person whose phone went off (and played a song) caused more disruption than we could have!

GeorgeBeckett · 30/12/2025 00:19

Personally I’d be totally happy for a 3 month old baby in arms to be at a funeral. They’re so little at that age and need to be near mum, may or may not be breastfed. I think it’s totally appropriate to sit near the back and nip out if needed. Babies are part of the family, and in a way it can be comforting and nice to see the circle of life. A toddler may be a different matter.

I don’t know if your aunt has children but sounds like your mum has had at least one. Does your mum agree with your aunt?

I think you need to chat to your mum. I do think if your mum and aunt strongly don’t want baby there then that needs to be thought about and respected. I think you need to spell out though that if babies are not allowed then you can’t come. And I think it’s OK to say that you find that hurtful.

I personally think it’s not reasonable to ban babies in arms, and it’s certainly not going to be a crematorium rule. If all of DGFs children are against it then it may be worth exploring streaming options - either don’t go, or stream the ceremony from another room and attend the wake. I’m guessing you don’t want to cause a family feud when everyone is feeling raw.

Rosealea · 30/12/2025 00:20

I had my 3 month old at my aunts funeral. Your aunt is talking nonsense

McGregor33 · 30/12/2025 00:24

I took my one week old to my friends funeral in a crematorium, her 2 month old was also there which ofcourse is understandable- she was his Mum. I’ve been to many funerals with babies in attendance.

ForFunGoose · 30/12/2025 00:33

Who made your aunt the boss?
I would go and sit at the back.

Original poster
Sadtiredoverwhelmed · 30/12/2025 00:33

Thanks for all the responses so far.

Obviously if I am told by my DA I cannot bring DC to the service I will not do that although I was shocked this was a thing. However I am very upset she has not mentioned this to me herself (I have seen her for two days) and is going through my DM. Messages have been mixed - I was told it was ok this morning and then told by my DSis this evening it was not. Wish people would discuss directly!

Generally DC is very good and if in a sling would hopefully sleep but I appreciate the points about it already being a disruption if he cried and this might be my DA concern (though I get the impression from DM she just thinks it is “not appropriate” and “it is for the grieving family to decide”).

I feel like I don’t want to go at all if we are not all welcome (family comment has rankled) especially with the travel / three days AL my DH will require but DH is trying to at least get me to go to the wake. Will need to speak to DA to find out her reasons DC can’t attend before I agree to this as my DM is will be very upset if DA asks us to leave the wake.

Feel very sorry for DH being uninvited (he had been suggested to carry the coffin) as has had no grandparents of his own and has experienced a lot of family loss in his life :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadtiredoverwhelmed · 30/12/2025 00:39

GeorgeBeckett · 30/12/2025 00:19

Personally I’d be totally happy for a 3 month old baby in arms to be at a funeral. They’re so little at that age and need to be near mum, may or may not be breastfed. I think it’s totally appropriate to sit near the back and nip out if needed. Babies are part of the family, and in a way it can be comforting and nice to see the circle of life. A toddler may be a different matter.

I don’t know if your aunt has children but sounds like your mum has had at least one. Does your mum agree with your aunt?

I think you need to chat to your mum. I do think if your mum and aunt strongly don’t want baby there then that needs to be thought about and respected. I think you need to spell out though that if babies are not allowed then you can’t come. And I think it’s OK to say that you find that hurtful.

I personally think it’s not reasonable to ban babies in arms, and it’s certainly not going to be a crematorium rule. If all of DGFs children are against it then it may be worth exploring streaming options - either don’t go, or stream the ceremony from another room and attend the wake. I’m guessing you don’t want to cause a family feud when everyone is feeling raw.

DA has no children, DM has 3 incl me. DM is very upset about the situation and thinks we should all be able to come. But yes I of course don’t want to cause a family feud which DH thinks will happen if we don’t go at least to the wake

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 30/12/2025 00:44

Your aunt is the daughter of the deceased, right?

And you’ve had this message through your mum (aunt’s sister, also daughter of deceased)?

Did your mum have a view at all?

Unless you think your mum is using this as a convoluted way of telling you not to bring the baby, I would phone your aunt (bearing in mind she’s just lost her dad) and find out what the problem is. No texting or messaging, proper conversation, see if you can come to a solution with affection and respect.

WonkyMirror · 30/12/2025 00:50

I took my 4m old dd to my DH’s grandmas funeral. We had no choice, my parents were on holiday. I stood back at the actual burial as I thought that would be too maudlin and it was freezing weather. Luckily ds was at school but we had to leave to pick him up and so both dcs were at the wake. She doesn’t remember obviously, so no harm done.

Original poster
Sadtiredoverwhelmed · 30/12/2025 01:07

HeddaGarbled · 30/12/2025 00:44

Your aunt is the daughter of the deceased, right?

And you’ve had this message through your mum (aunt’s sister, also daughter of deceased)?

Did your mum have a view at all?

Unless you think your mum is using this as a convoluted way of telling you not to bring the baby, I would phone your aunt (bearing in mind she’s just lost her dad) and find out what the problem is. No texting or messaging, proper conversation, see if you can come to a solution with affection and respect.

Correct, DA and DM are sisters and my DGF is their DF.

Will try and speak to my DA though I think from what I have heard (and why DM is frustrated) she will just say it is “inappropriate” without giving a reason as to why.

OP posts:
Allswellthatendswelll · 30/12/2025 04:09

I get you don't want to cause a row at a difficult time but can't understand what makes your Aunt in charge or have more of a say than your Mum?

I honestly think babies in arms are fine at most events. They are an extension of you really. It wouldn't occur to me to not bring a baby to a funeral.

Trallers · 30/12/2025 04:47

Just check with the crematorium first (they'll say it's fine) then you can call DA and say you heard she was concerned that you might bring baby and it wouldn't be allowed, but you've checked with crematorium and babies and children come all the time and are very welcome. Reassure her that if baby starts to get unsettled one of you will take him out. Don't ask permission in case she says no - if she wants to ban your baby purely because it's her preference she'll have to actually say it. And if she does, you repeat it back "just to be clear, you're saying you don't want x there because you personally find it inappropriate? Even though that's not typical for funerals at crematoriums? Could you explain a bit more as i really don't understand.".

Barnbrack · 30/12/2025 06:37

So weird to me as an Irish person where it's weird not to include children in wakes and funerals. Take your baby for goodness sake, your aunt sounds like she's jealous your mum is a granny and is taking it out on you.

Measureofaman · 30/12/2025 06:46

A relative brought a baby to my grandmother's funeral. It wasn't just the crying but the gurgling and happy shouts a baby can make. My mother found it very distressing on what was already a difficult day. All she remembers now is the baby causing a disruption. Please think carefully before going. I'm sure you would take the baby out if it cries but by then it has already disturbed everyone. I'm sorry for your loss.

Floisme · 30/12/2025 06:52

I took my 4 month year old baby to my dad’s funeral, both church service and crematorium.
We sat at the end of the pew and my husband took him outside when he got restless. My mum and several other people told me they found it comforting - circle of life stuff.