To take my baby to funeral

277 replies

Sadtiredoverwhelmed · 29/12/2025 23:54

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 01/01/2026 08:30

Sadtiredoverwhelmed · 31/12/2025 10:39

FWIW I am pretty sure it isn’t about noise / disruption - which I would fully understand especially as how parents can deal with noise varies wildly. DM suggested to DA some solutions eg sitting at the back, but the response was just that it is “inappropriate” to bring a baby to a funeral. DA has said she has “never” seen a child / baby at a funeral and that no one would take them because it is so inappropriate - so it’s impossible to work around or alleviate any concerns as she can’t say why it is inappropriate. Partly why I am now reluctant to call her as I think the conversation will be pointless and she has not reached out to me to explain why it is inappropriate to come as she told DM she would.

So I think it is more the Victorian style expectation of mourning, although TBH I have never been to a funeral that is fully silent, even at a solemn affair there are often people crying or coughing. I’ve been at some funerals where adults need to be taken out!

With regard to people cooing over the baby - I can completely see this POV so I will be wearing a sling in the vicinity of the crematorium as some have suggested. IMO when baby is still facing the wearer, they are less conspicuous and tend to be quieter so hopefully this would prevent others from fussing over the baby too as well as keeping LO calm. DA doesn’t have children so might not be aware of slings.

Because we think it is more about this IMO slightly misguided “etiquette” of not taking a baby to a funeral, we are concerned that if we stay in the same hotel as the wake as suggested, on the day we will be told to take baby upstairs to be left in the room - hopefully this won’t happen as on the day there will be more to think about for, but can cross that bridge if we come to it! And perhaps stay somewhere else with the excuse that it is cheaper 😊

Have their been any previous signs that your aunt might resent the fact that your mum has children and a grandchild while she doesn't and she is using the funeral as an opportunity to pull rank by using some made up 'etiquette' about babies' and small children's attendance at funerals?

It sounds quite obsessive and vindictive to me.

C8H10N4O2 · 01/01/2026 12:16

LighthouseLED · 31/12/2025 09:40

You honestly are wishing that someone has more loss in their life? Wow. Just when you think you’ve read it all on Mumsnet.

Some people value a more adult environment for their grief. Not everything has to be centred around children.

(OP, I’m glad you seem to have found a solution)

Show quote history

What an absurd distortion of the poster’s words.

You don’t get any more solemn than the full Requiem Mass. The only time I’ve seen an adults only Requiem Mass was during Covid when only a handful of people were permitted attend.

Children/babies are part of the mourning family and belong at the funeral service if they or their family wish them to be there.

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