To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

I took my then 6 month old to a grandparents funeral. Zero problems. They were having a day so I stood at the back with them bouncing them in the sling during the service and it kept them content and non-disruptive.

Well, maybe if you went to more funerals, you’d relax a bit about the idea that they should be adult-only and conducted in total silence.

You honestly are wishing that someone has more loss in their life? Wow. Just when you think you’ve read it all on Mumsnet.

Some people value a more adult environment for their grief. Not everything has to be centred around children.

(OP, I’m glad you seem to have found a solution)

It's not centering it around children it's just not weirdly excluding children from a normal part of life that everyone is welcome to. And yes I feel the same about weddings.

FWIW I am pretty sure it isn’t about noise / disruption - which I would fully understand especially as how parents can deal with noise varies wildly. DM suggested to DA some solutions eg sitting at the back, but the response was just that it is “inappropriate” to bring a baby to a funeral. DA has said she has “never” seen a child / baby at a funeral and that no one would take them because it is so inappropriate - so it’s impossible to work around or alleviate any concerns as she can’t say why it is inappropriate. Partly why I am now reluctant to call her as I think the conversation will be pointless and she has not reached out to me to explain why it is inappropriate to come as she told DM she would.

So I think it is more the Victorian style expectation of mourning, although TBH I have never been to a funeral that is fully silent, even at a solemn affair there are often people crying or coughing. I’ve been at some funerals where adults need to be taken out!

With regard to people cooing over the baby - I can completely see this POV so I will be wearing a sling in the vicinity of the crematorium as some have suggested. IMO when baby is still facing the wearer, they are less conspicuous and tend to be quieter so hopefully this would prevent others from fussing over the baby too as well as keeping LO calm. DA doesn’t have children so might not be aware of slings.

Because we think it is more about this IMO slightly misguided “etiquette” of not taking a baby to a funeral, we are concerned that if we stay in the same hotel as the wake as suggested, on the day we will be told to take baby upstairs to be left in the room - hopefully this won’t happen as on the day there will be more to think about for, but can cross that bridge if we come to it! And perhaps stay somewhere else with the excuse that it is cheaper 😊

You and your partner and child have as much right to say goodbye as anyone else. All you need to do is be on standby, should your LO start to become unsettled. Then your Oh could take baby outside and rejoin if baby settles. Or head over to the wake. You are all family members who your GF adored, and it's only right that you can say goodbye. I'm not suggesting they stay and scream the crem down, but a little planning can prevent this.
Your aunt is talking rubbish
Sorry for your loss x

No, taking a baby to a funeral is extremely selfish and unfair on those who are mourning. Nobody will be able to hear what is being said!

But everyone’s mourning, including the baby’s parents. It’s not some hush-hush situation that requires silence and concentration.

Why not? Babies do not spend all their time screaming! I don't think I have been to a funeral with no babies.

Assume you haven’t been around babies much? They don’t sit there crying/screaming 24/7 🙄

IMO babies and young children at funerals, no.
Babies and young children at wakes, yes

I didn’t take my 11 mo to my father’s funeral because I knew there would be many there (he was a councillor, well known in the town, and there would be official representatives of organisations he was connected with etc) and my mother would not be up to dealing with that plus my own shock at his relatively young death. My DD stayed for the morning in my parents’ house with a close friend of my mother who hated funerals but was the kindest person and knew my DD.

It would have been another matter if she had been 3mo, ebf - she’d have been with me at the crematorium and someone else would have had to deal with my mother etc. Others would have had to step up.

Having had to attend both my parents’ funerals and those of my PIL too (FIL’s funeral was the week before Christmas, so very recent), I can honestly say I wasn’t aware of much, apart from the close family around me, so I don’t think noise from a child would have impinged on me at all. Obviously, though, everyone is different.

I can understand why the aunt might think a funeral is not an appropriate place for a child, even though I don’t think I agree with her. I am glad @Sadtiredoverwhelmed has found a compromise solution, at a very difficult and emotional time for all concerned.

Or the aunt might worry that the baby being there might “take” the attention from the deceased if everyone is fussing over the baby.

Well that’s just utterly pathetic, really isn’t it @LighthouseLED ?

I would say that’s incredibly harsh. You don’t know this person. Maybe they are devastated over the death. Maybe they’ve had experiences before where a baby has been the centre of attention when they needed support. You really have no idea what this person is like or how they are feeling and thinking right now. Maybe they are just a total bitch. Who knows. But IF someone really is upset over the death of their father and need support I wouldn’t call it pathetic to worry about a baby taking all the attention. There are countless comments on here from people who’ve taken babies to funerals saying how their baby distracted everyone (but apparently in a good way) and it was just passed around with everyone cooing over it etc. How it reminds everyone that life goes on etc. Maybe this woman, for this one day, doesn’t want to be reminded about the circle of life. Maybe she wants this one day to grieve and remember her dad. I don’t think that’s wrong to want that. (Even though I actually agree she is wrong for saying the baby can’t come. I don’t think she’s necessarily wrong for possibly not wanting the baby to have all the attention on the day of the funeral).

Just ignore it then.

Why would someone tell you to go to your room? I wouldn’t worry about that. They’ll surely be too busy eating/catching up etc

Obviously if you want to stay elsewhere then do so but I wouldn’t do it it on their account!

Your aunt is a closer relative than you, so i thibk it would be highly inappropriate and disrespectful to go against her wishes.

What about OP's mum who is the same relation to the deceased and the widow as the aunt is and holds the opposite opinion? Why is not disrespectful to go against her wishes?

It mattered to me. Would have mattered to my rather proper and catholic grandmother too. So you are wrong. I've no idea why it mattered, I concur it seemed irrational, but grief is weird like that.

Just ... read what I wrote and think about what your responded. You come across at worst illiterate and at best, insensitive!

I don't think so either. It's very normal for babies and young children to be at wakes in my family culture, but funeral services perhaps not so much. They are not for, or about children, and it's ok that some things in life aren't child centred. Some parents do have a tendency to make themselves the centre of attention via their children, and I'm wondering if the aunt would just rather not deal with that when the focus should be around saying goodbye and remembering her father's life at the service itself. The wake is when we do the celebrating and looking forward, and then it's nice to have the wee ones around.

She can get fucked

Lovely way to speak of someone who has just lost a parent

Do you think she's reading it? Hasn't stopped her throwing her weight about at all

Sadly been to too many funerals of late. I really think that there is a distinction between Catholic and C of E churches. Seen many children and babies in Catholic funerals but never in a C of E one. Must add that I’ve never seen a baby in a crematorium either.

I think it's more about the cultural experience of church in general. Those of us who are regular church goers are used to children of all ages in all services and find it odd to consider funerals as an exception. I would guess that the average attendees of a RC funeral.have more cultural experience of church attendance in general than a CofE as CofE is often the default church rather than a more active choice

I've taken a baby and then toddler to a crematorium and a RC church and would never have thought twice about it. My grandfather was a CofE vicar and would have found it absurd if my very young cousins were excluded from his funeral.

Last funeral I went to the deceased's daughter-in-law's sister came with her baby. Nobody thought anything of it other than it was nice the two families had so generally welcomed each other into their lives that the sister wanted to be there. That was in a crematorium.