To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

Your aunt is not chief mourner and doesn’t get to set the rules. I wouldn’t discuss as she may not compromise. All turn up as you planned to, sit somewhere where you can slide out if needed and ignore your aunt. Tbh she sounds like she doesn’t really know newborns

Utter rubbish!
OP, your baby is as entitled as anyone else to attend their great-grandparent’s funeral. Lots of people will be crying, some will be sobbing! If you sit in the end then you can take baby out if they get too unsettled, but other than that, just go!

Funerals/cremations in the UK are public events and anyone who wishes can attend. No one needs to seek permission from anybody. You know what your GF’s wishes were, go and pay your respects.

I took our baby to a funeral and sat at the baby who fussed a bit, so I went outside - it was just post-Covid so they were “live streaming” the service in the fresh air outside. I listened to the service in fresh air with tears streaming down my face. It was beautiful in many ways, to embrace nature whilst holding a new life and celebrating the passing of an old one.

It isn’t a thing! A funeral is a public event and believe it or not, anyone is allowed to attend!
Don’t even get into a debate about it - just go!

I agree.

This man has clearly had a long life - he was a great grandfather. As much as everyone will be grieving his death, it's also a celebration of his life. If the baby cries, your dh will take the baby out - a few moments will in no way ruin the funeral. It may even raise a smile in some people - I know it would me. As said, it is a reminder of the circle of life and I'm sure your dgf would have rathered you were all there.

Different if it was the funeral of a young person or child. My friend sadly had a stillbirth. I had a baby at the time and I would never have considered taking her to the funeral.

This is all getting out of hand and you are totally overthinking.

Go, take the baby. Move on. Don't give it any more headspace. You are behaving entirely normally by bringing the baby.

There are no such rules.

go to the funeral and take your baby

It's not a problem to take babies to funerals or crems. I did with a six week old. People can become very selfish with grief. It's likely that your DA doesnt want any attention on the baby. It's quite common. I had to leave my dd when she was 5 days old, and I was revovering from a csection for the same reason. Family members were still furious because, understandably, everyone asked about baby, where she was etc. They felt it "took away" from the funeral i.e. the attention on them. I honestly dont think they can help it.

I took my 1 month old baby to my uncles funeral, and have since taken him to others as if I want to go I have no other options.
No one batted an eyelid, in fact his wife asked me to bring my son.

I could not imagine anything worse than distracting baby noises (babbling or crying etc) during a funeral service, but it is fine if you leave the room as soon as the baby noise starts, and fine to have the baby at the funeral tea afterwards.

I’m so sorry for your loss, op.
I honestly think some people behave like this just to exert some control. There’s absolutely no reason your baby shouldn’t be at the service - provided you took her outside if she made a noise which it sounds like you were very much planning to do.
Id also be quite upset that having travelled some distance with a small baby, on maternity pay, you’re expected to stay in an expensive venue whilst your siblings stay for free with relatives. Who decided that was a good idea?

People are ‘allowed’ to do lots of things. Doesn’t mean it a good idea when family and etiquette come in though.

I took my 3 month old to my mum's best friends funeral earlier this year. I did leave her with my DH during the service, so we could grieve properly & in peace whilst my DH waited in the car with DD. DH and DD joined for the wake (which served as a welcome distraction for a lot of people actually!). It was a bit easier for us as DH wasn't particularly close, so was happy to sit outside so I could attend still and be there for my mum. Good luck OP and sorry for your loss!

You don’t have to “respect your aunt’s decision” as it’s not her decision to make.

If you want to go with your husband and baby then go with your husband and baby. No need for any further discussion.

My 14m old came to cremation of my grandad my ex (not at time ) sat at the back so could leg it out with a phone on silent mode or he’d be v difficult. But I needed them both there for support imo. I’d just go.

*I get the impression from DM she just thinks it is “not appropriate” and “it is for the grieving family to decide”

You'll get varied opinions on the first, but on the second your DA's absolutely right, and TBH the focus already seems very much on your feelings rather than those of the more immediate family

Personally I'd respect what your DA so clearly wants and leave the little one with your DH just for the short service then all go to the wake ... overall it'll probably cause least angst at what's already a difficult time

That’s not the time for everyone to go cuddle the baby. A close family member passed recently and I would have been very upset and irritated if a baby was there and crying. Not saying yours did, but very likely possibility

I think this does have to be considered. I'll bet that this poster's Mum has never mentioned it to the relative. So all the people saying that they brought a baby and no one minded, don't really know this - one could even be the relative.

I have brought a year old baby to a funeral, but only on direct request from the main mourners.

Yes, aunt doesn't have priority as the main mourner, but she also has an opinion as one of the main mourners, and it's one of those times when the choices aren't really equal - baby not there is unlikely to really upset the other mourners; baby there may make the main mourners on edge waiting for them to make a noise.

So I'd respect her wishes, bring dh and ask him to wait outside with baby.

That’s exactly the time for people to cuddle babies, if they want to. It’s not compulsory, but then neither is treating an ordinarily emotional event like a family funeral as though it’s a court room.

Disagree. I took my five month old to my grandmother’s funeral at the request of my family. He was passed around for cuddles at the wake and all of my aunts and uncles (my grandmother’s children) were delighted to see him and said what a comfort he was. In fact, I practically had to wrestle him back to feed him.

You also need to respect that your aunts feelings come before your dh here. He can keep the baby outside and come in for a bit to swap with you. Sounds like your dm also feels the similar way

Appreciate I am not organising, however just to clarify my DM completely disagrees with my Aunt (or I would not be questioning this at all) and wants my family there. My DM is equally organising the funeral so I don’t think one’s opinion should be more important than the other - tbh it is very unfortunate this is a thing as I expect no one will be happy now

I am surprised if you have DC that you would be prepared to leave them with someone you have never met before and had no background on (ie not a registered childcare provider) in an unsuitable environment (cold car in a cold place in January) at 3m old especially when they haven’t been left with anyone before! That would be very distressing for me certainly anyway and I stand by that being a mad suggestion!

I am however sorry you had a difficult time organising your DF funeral and sorry for your loss 🌷

@WutheringTightsdifference is you were asked to bring the baby. Op family is asking the very opposite

Sorry if my posts have been unclear @Jinglejells and @Puzzledandpissedoff but a big part of the issue is my DM strongly feels we should all be there. It is only my DA that doesn’t think LO should be there.

But yes if DA will be upset I will respect her opinion but it will probably mean we don’t go (I am also entitled to my own feelings) and watch a live stream instead and potentially just go to the wake (as long as that won’t also be an issue)