To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

My earliest memory is my father's uncle's funeral. I remember the interior of the church for some reason. It's perfectly normal.

DS attended a funeral, both church service and burial, when he was three months old.

Babies can attend so ignore them. Nothing wrong with sitting at the back with the baby. Tell her you’ve rang the venue and they’d said it’s fine.

I am from an Asian background and babies and children come to almost everything. I find the rules around babies attending events quite strange. Obviously if a baby is disrupting a ceremony then they need to be taken out asap by responsible parents, but otherwise kids are the fabric of normal life and that includes weddings and funerals in my culture.

ETA our baby attended my husband’s (English) dad’s funeral and his mum said it was a huge comfort to have her there.

If you do go just for the wake...what would happen if DA makes a scene and says it is inappropriate for a baby to be there?

I think it is fine to take a baby, we took ds to one at 6 weeks old. However if your aunt is adamant then I think you need to either tell her you cannot attend or you go and dh look after dc. It is her father's death so however much i think her decision is wrong you may have to respect it.

What would your dear grandfather have wanted?

If you don't go, could you ask your local church to include dgf on their prayer list/intercessions and attend the Sunday service to hear his name with the prayers and to light a candle. You could send copies of the service sheet to your mum and aunt.

What would really have upset me would have been the telling of untruths about the crem rules, rather than saying auntie x feels it's inappropriate to take the baby into the service and I agree. That would make my loss more raw.

Condolences @Sadtiredoverwhelmed and I am sorry your closest relatives are behaving badly at this time.

My dp gave the eulogy at his father’s funeral with 4month old DS in a sling.

There’s no such rule

when my FIL died the DCs were 2 years and 5 weeks old (respectively). Handily we sent older dc to nursery as it was his nursery day anyway - he wouldn’t have understood anything - but breastfed ds2 came with us. There was no issue at all. In fact the celebrant at the crem made a point of saying not to worry if he cried as everyone was welcome.

I took my baby to a funeral in 1980, there was no rule about babies in crematoriums. There was nobody else available to look after her.

Nonsense! Phone the crematorium if you like, but I’ve been with babies and small children with no issues. If anything they are a lovely reminder of the start of life, and bring some sunshine to an otherwise sad day.
if course it would be best to keep the children near the back, and respect others with any noises, take them out, even walking with them in the pram to the car if very noisy and that parent can care for them or drive around until they sleep etc. my best friend attended all my DP and DGP funerals and she took them for a walk - some people may have strong feelings, but get them to explain why if necessary, but you can say no

Honestly I wouldn’t go. See if the funeral is being live streamed and watch it that way. You will be there in spirit. Don’t be bullied by your aunt.

Most of the crematoriums (crematoria?) I've been to have an overflow room/lobby where the service audio is piped in. I took my toddler to my great aunt's funeral and we sat in there. I could see the service through the window but there was no risk of disruption. Is it worth asking the venue if there is anything like that?

@ForFunGoose and @Allswellthatendswelll I agree I am not sure why this is her sole decision but as @mumonthehill says I think I will need to expect her decision. I don’t want to make it a big deal or all about us but I am very upset for myself and DH that we most likely cannot both go to the service :(

@moose62 As I’ve not been told what the reasons are other than “inappropriate” this is a major concern, especially as the funeral is a minimum 6 hour drive away from where we live (and that is if we travel at night or very very early in the morning). I would hate for my DM and DDad for there to be a scene at the wake.

I found this all out within hours of seeing DA so wish she could have just mentioned it directly to me then so we could discuss rather than to DM whenever I was not there! She was cuddling my baby lots in front of me so didn’t seem to have an issue with baby specifically which has made this all confusing especially as from her comments I now feel like she doesn’t see us as family. My DH is also very upset but doing a good job of keeping me calm on this front

edited to correct a typo!

I took my 5 month old baby to my grandmother's funeral.

I've been to funerals in both Scotland and England. Taking a baby and even an older child has never been an issue at crematoria in either place.
In fact DS who was about 5 when we took him to a funeral in Scotland was absolutely fascinated by the process.

Phone the crematorium and see if babies are allowed. Then confront your aunt/mum. If they are allowed then basically your aunt doesn’t want you there. In which case the time and effort to go is not worth it.

A dd brought a young baby to an old friend’s funeral - nobody turned a hair. I can’t imagine why the presence of a baby could ever upset anybody - unless perhaps it was the funeral of another baby.

oops, *respect her decision not expect her decision!

Although really, I feel very very hurt - but I am worried this is / will be seen to be me being melodramatic

Sorry for your loss. Grief does weird things to people, and as bereavement is usually (hopefully) a rare occurrence, everyone is navigating their way through it as best they can. Who knows why she now believes it’s “inappropriate”

It sounds like a direct conversation with your aunt is the way forward- “I’m confused about the mixed messages I’m getting from others, and just want to check we’re still ok to come to the wake”

I hope you find a way through this

Sorry for your loss, my grandfather passed away last year and I had little option but to take my son, 18m so a fair bit older but probably with greater capacity for disruption! We also took him to a funeral at 10m, but that was outside so a bit different.

I did speak to my Grandmother to check she was ok with it, are your DM and DA the closest living relatives or might there be someone else to speak to?

The crematorium should be fine with it, ours was (Fenland area). Is it worth asking your DA what her specific concerns are and allaying them? It feels like she’s reluctant to address the “whys”.

Thank you @RosesAndHellebores for your kind post

I think my DGF would have wanted us to be there, he was desperate to meet my baby as soon as we could travel all that way with a newborn and I have some cherished memories of his reaction when he held him for the first time 😢

Yes I agree the whole thing has been made more upsetting by saying it’s banned when I know it isn’t, and also that the conversations have all happened behind my back even when I was in the house. I feel like I don’t want to go at all now tbh and just do my own thing

I brought my baby to my DH's great aunt's funeral and I think it actually helped some people to see the youngest member of the family at a time of loss. He was very young at the time and lay quietly in his buggy so it didn't cause any disruption but I would have taken him out if he had started fussing or crying.

People say stupid, unreasonable, and hurtful things when they're grieving, especially if they're selfish or tactless at the best of times. It is reasonable to feel hurt. It's also reasonable to take her demands with a pinch of salt, because they are unreasonable and uncaring of everyone else's grief.

It sounds like your mum would prefer you and your family to be there, so if the "hierarchy of who is the closest family" matters, her opinion has the same weight as your aunt's. Which leaves you back on neutral ground, and you can make your own choice. Your aunt doesn't have some kind of grief Top Trump. Agree with PP that if the service has a video link in a different room that might work well to keep the peace.

Your aunt is being an arse. Who made her the boss. Your mum has an equal say.

Tiny baby in a sling won't be noticed by anyone and will probably just snooze through the whole thing. 3 months is the age they can basically go anywhere and it's accepted. Different is it wete 3 years old.