To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

I think you should go to the funeral but DH stays elsewhere with the baby and then they both come to the wake.

This is mad to me, my mother died when I was 30 and childless and at her funeral was everything from elderly relatives to babies in arms and cousins who were young children. Happy baby gurgles, children giving hugs, family chatter are all the things that bring comfort.

In Irish Catholic families you're all in for all of it, I saw bodies in coffins as a pre school child. You learn to respect death and see it as part of life. The body stays in the house for 3 days after death and is visited by hundreds of people before the funeral. I also find it weird people die in Scotland where I live and are taken away for weeks until a funeral date comes up and just never seen again and in the interim period just nothing happens. So sterile and strange.

I wouldn't bother speaking to your aunt.

You want to go, and it is important you do. In all likelihood the baby will sleep through, funerals are very short in the UK.
Any noise and your DH takes baby outside.

Do not allow your aunt to make arbitrary rules because it suits what she thinks. Your DM also needs you for support and you need to say your goodbye.

I have always taken my son to funerals, right from when he was a tiny baby. He is a part of the family and I feel strongly that being included in all family events right from the start is important. In your case it is also important for your DH to get the chance to say goodbye and grieve along with others as well.

Deaths in our extended family seem to coincide with births. As we’re spread across the country, this has meant there’s usually a baby at a funeral. The funerals have been across the spectrum of tragic accident of young relative to anticipated death of grandparent in their 90s after a long illness. In all cases, everyone has been pleased to see the baby as it has meant that their parent has been able to attend and be part of the occasion with us.

I agree with you.

Take the baby & your DH & sit at the back like you said. I’ve done this and it’s fine.

Ffs. I do not understand the English. Yes, you can take your dc to a funeral. It won’t kill anyone. If your child is awake, you hold it on your lap. If your child complains, you take it outside,

The last funeral I went to, a pram was pushed up the aisle in the family procession.

I'm as English as they come and I completely agree with you. Children have never been excluded from funerals in my experience. It wasn't even considered.

Your aunt just doesn't want a crying baby at the funeral. She is being ridiculous. Funerals are basically public events (anyone who wants to pay their respects should be allowed to go) so she can't stop your baby going.

ds was 12 weeks and DN just turned 1 when my Nan died.

As a family we all agreed we wanted them there but they sat at the back with a close family friend who was ready to take them out if they caused a disturbance. If I remember rightly DN had a large amount of chocolate buttons then a walk outside. DS slept through the whole thing.

I think it’s harder one one of the close relatives has an issue with children at funerals but I hope you can find a compromise that works for everyone.

This is your grandfather so go to the funeral with your baby, children and husband. I’ve led a lot of funerals in churches and at the crematorium and there are no rules that ban children and babies.

People can have some very odd ideas about what is appropriate at funerals and most often this seems to be harkening back to days when everyone wore black, children were at home with the nanny and the only drink available at the wake was a small sherry. This probably has more to do with watching Father Brown repeats than any form of reality.

Go, sit at the back in case the baby does cry and say goodbye to your grandad. I’m sorry for your loss.

My mother’s funeral. Mr 4 was chomping a banana, 18 mo was sitting and reading a book, 4mo was in my niece’s arms. The priest looked and said how wonderful it was to see young children and that my parent would continue through the generations. Mum would have found it so funny that they were doing what kids do. I don’t understand why it isn’t ’the done thing’. If it doesn’t change, stay home and remember/celebrate grandad in your own way

Erm a our little ones have been to a few family funerals in the last 2 years sadly our twins were only 2 mnth when my gf passed then hubby mum a month later...saw other babies and toddlers at all of them. Not sure what the problem tbh

I suspect your Aunt just doesn't want your DC their. Perhaps she's worried they'll be disruptive. We took ours to FIL's funeral at 2mo. We had no one else to look after her and DH needed me there. We sat near the door to a side room. She actually laughed for the first time during the service which everyone loved and gave them a distraction to talk about after. She did start babbling so I took her out and it was fine.

It’s definitely DA that doesn’t want your baby there, same happened to us and tbh I’ve not gotten over not being there so I would say discuss it but go regardless he’s your GF.

I've taken babies and toddlers to funerals, it's fine.

It's not a tragic funeral, an old person died, as is the natural order. Take your baby and don't discuss if further.

That would be a horrible message to send to someone who has just lost their dad. It screams I’ve got one over you. She may be lying but she still has her reasons. Talk to her like an adult.

This.

Of course its fine to have babies at funerals. I took both my children to funerals as babies. At my grandfathers I had to go out for a bit because baby was fussing but after the funeral everyone enjoyed having a baby there.

I took my 8 day old baby to my DFs funeral at a crem. They slept all the way through, but at the get together afterwards so many people commented to my DM that it was lovely to see a new born - circle of life etc.
as long as you take them out if they scream etc I think it’s fine. I’m sure your DGF would want them there!

You and your DH are the grieving family. Your mum and aunt are not the only close relatives - this is your grandfather, and your aunt is making a difficult time worse for you. Your feelings matter too.

I took DD2 to my grandfather's funeral at 5 months old: church service, wake, and all. She was if anything less fussy than usual, and people were delighted to see her. It is completely normal to have the family of the deceased at a funeral, whatever their age.

I took my DD to my DH’s grandma’s funeral when she was a few months old. It was lovely to have a baby around, tbh, though I found it tiring. I just took her out and fed her when she became unsettled. I only had one slight comment (from a friend of their family who tried to drape a scarf over me to hide me breastfeeding 🙄) but otherwise everyone was so happy to see a small baby and be reminded that life continues.

I did this with my daughter too. It was no problem at all, and as you say was rather welcome. She was a quiet baby though, but I would have taken her outside if she got fussy. My DH worked abroad, and was away at the time.

I did this with my daughter too. It was no problem at all, and as you say was rather welcome. She was a quiet baby though, but I would have taken her outside if she got fussy. My DH worked abroad, and was away at the time.

Sorry for your loss

I took ds2 to his GF funeral at the crem when he was 18 months and no one said anything about babies/toddlers/children not being allowed.