To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

I wouldn't do this. The Aunt is clearly making an excuse because she's worrying about the baby being disruptive in the service. She's just lost her father so don't treat it as a 'gotcha' moment. Instead give her a call and see if you can agree a way forward you're both happy with. She may relax about the idea if you have a conversation about how you will keep your baby quiet and go out if the baby is crying etc.

It’s a really awkward thing to manage at such a sad time but your dm’s view carries just as much weight as your da’s. You could definitely just ignore her, probably best to try and have a conversation. If she’s not a parent herself that makes sense.

I am not surprised at all that you are thinking of not going at all, but that is sad. Also are you sure your employer would not give you compassionate leave to attend? Mine would give at least a day

@Sylviasocks apparently my Nana was fine with it but my Aunt is insistent it is not okay (including saying that to her), however I don’t want to make things more difficult for my Nana by bringing it up with her as she has enough going on. I have taken the baby to see her since my DGF passed away and she was thrilled :)

I would just go and I wouldn’t contact your aunt.

Just go as planned. It will be fine. Babies go to funerals in crems all the time!

If you contact her all it will do is give her an opportunity to make up some rubbish or cause an argument. At the moment you have the benefit of her not actually having spoken to you. So for all she knows you don’t even know what she’s said and even if she does know she can’t control you. And I suspect that’s why she hasn’t spoken to you because she knows it’s rubbish.

On the day itself I suspect she will be too busy with her own thoughts and feelings to worry about your or DH at the back with the baby. I wouldn’t give it anymore thought. Travelling all the way there to sit in the car would be ridiculous and I wouldn’t let her dictate that to you. Just carry on as you were! And it will be a lovely thing to have your baby there and at the wake.

Babies are allowed at crematoriums!!!! I have been to a funeral with a baby, and I have been at a funeral with several other babies. Also toddlers.

If the baby is so small you are still on mat leave, sling him to your chest and be prepared to step out if needs be. Your family are being ridiculous - you are an adult! Stay where suits you best.

There were 10 under 3s (inc 2 babies) at DH’s grandma’s funeral. One by one most of them were taken out. DFiL has reflected often about how lovely it was to come out of the crematorium to the sight of lots of little ones running around.

@Clearinguptheclutter I am on maternity leave so it’s not an issue (apart from that I am on mat pay and hotels and travel will be expensive) but DH will not be entitled to leave as it is not his grandparent, so it feels even worse to make DH take 3 days AL to sit alone in a hotel room with our baby when he is also grieving. I was not entitled to leave when my FIL died (although my boss gave it to me anyway)

DH / we are having a rough time as DMiL has been in hospital seriously ill since LO was 2.5 weeks old

Your aunt doesn't have the deciding vote just because she's the loudest. All ages are generally welcome at funerals. The grieving widow would be happy with you bringing the baby.

Ignore the aunt. You can be perfectly nice about it but just don't get into debate. Go as planned. It will be fine.

Sorry for your loss. That’s total bs, and a 3 month old at the funeral of a close relation is entirely appropriate. Have the baby in a sling if needs be, and as you plan, sit near the back. Ignore anyone that tells you you can’t.

Also, stay where you like!

Personally , I think you’re aunt is being ridiculous, and of course you should bring your baby
In our local crem , there is a small private room , it has a soundproof window overlooking the chapel part with the service played into it ( DSIL used it for FIL funeral as she is no contact with MIL and didn’t want MIL to make a dramatic scene if she saw her )
Babies should be at the wake , it’s part of the circle of life

My condolences for your loss 💐

Im really sorry to hear about your GF. Some people have very strange ideas about how funerals should be conducted.

We are all born, and at some point we all die. I took my 13 month old to my Dads funeral last year. The snacks ran out, he had missed his nap, blew raspberries and wanted to crawl everywhere. Funerals are about celebrating and remembering a life and your little ones were part of your grandfathers life. Nobody mentioned a negative word about my son being there. I had never left him with anybody either so there was no way I would do that. He was just as welcome as anybody else and my Dad doted on him and would have wanted him there.

Does your aunt have form for taking over situations or being a bit dominant? You are a close relative yourself. Your mum also has as much right as your auntie to make any decisions. Your aunt is acting like a chief mourner and your family members seem to be facilitating it a little bit. I would definitely message the aunt if you have a relationship where you feel you can to get some clarification on what her concerns are. It may be a genuine concern that you can alleviate or simply an old fashioned minset that funerals are ‘not for children’ but with no substance to really explain why.

Why can’t you all go and just have your DH waiting outside with the baby?

Theres no right or wrong here, it’s an entirely personal choice for the chief mourner and closest relatives. No one else gets a say, or has any right to decide whether babies ‘should’ be allowed or not.

If there are people closer to the deceased than you who would prefer there not to be any risk of baby noise during the service, then you listen to them. Don’t turn it into a drama with all this irrelevant stuff about your DH not having grandparents. This funeral is not about him and the priority is your Gran, mum and aunt.

Just go. You'll regret it forever if you don't, and you'll always resent your aunt based on a second hand piece of information.

Its not for your aunt to decide this. Sitting at the back sounds fine.

My 3 week old granddaughter was asleep in my daughter's arms at my mums funeral, she was a huge comfort to us all, my mums best friend turned to me and said that it was wonderful to have the baby with us and then said " us old yins have to leave at sometime to let the wee yins in" i found that a very comforting thought. You take your wee baby with you, it will help you on the day ❤️

I know it’s difficult and feels unfair, but I think you just have to suck it up and go by yourself while your DH stays with baby. It’s just not worth it to make a fuss or cause even more upset by not going. Just get it over with.

When my grandma died, I took my breastfed newborn to the church service and bun fight, but missed the crematorium bit. I didn't want to risk a crying baby in the crem, nobody batted an eyelid at me not being at crem or taking my baby into church/ pub.

It’s also my DGF funeral in Jan, I’m so very sorry for your loss op.

My kids are elder primary age and I won’t be taking them to the service but I think a 3m old baby is totally fine to take. If/when baby cries one of you can just take baby outside, it’s likely the baby will be asleep anyway I’m sure! However after seeing how my dad and his siblings are grieving I would definitely try and talk to your aunt if I was you. It’s likely she is focusing on this as a slight distraction.

My Aunt is not the “chief mourner” over her siblings or my grandmother. I would like my DH there to support me and my family as well as for him. DA obviously thought DH would want to be there as well, as her initial suggestion to my DM was I leave my LO with a complete stranger in a car outside so we could both attend which is mad she would think we would agree to that

My toddler went to nursery the day of my grandmother's funeral as I thought it would be a bit much for her but dd2 came, she was about 8 weeks. Dh sat a couple of rows back with her and I was at the front as I was doing a reading. My mum would never have been annoyed if she started to cry and needed to be taken out, the people who open the doors etc at the end said if dh needed to take her out they would open the door so he could quickly leave. Dh and I wanted to be at the funeral and there was no one else to have dd. Babies are allowed in crematorium, how weird to say they are not.

Of course you can take a baby. I did to my GF's funeral. Husband had him in a sling so he could take baby out if necessary, but it was just a reminder of the circle of life.

It isn't Top Trumps.

leaving a small baby in a car with a stranger is a hard no - just go and take your baby with you, your aunt will get over it

She’s not chief mourner, but she probably is the one organising (and perhaps paying for) a part of the funeral, which you are not doing. What your mum says goes really, if she is aligning with your aunt.

I don’t think it’s a completely crazy to have your aunt’s friend sit with your baby for the 45 minutes (ish) of the service either. Of course you can decline it if you’re not comfortable but it’s not ‘mad’.

I had to organise and pay for my dad’s funeral two years ago. He wanted a specific venue and set up which meant it was invite only with a limit on capacity. I can’t tell you how much I look down on the family and friends who made it a headache for me.

I took my 7 month year old to a funeral. Before doing so I checked with the person who was arranging the funeral, for example wife of husband and they confirmed it was fine. It’s like asking the bride and groom if it’s okay, if they confirm it’s okay then it’s good, if not you need to reconsider your plans. I wouldn’t have taken a 18month - 8/9 year old. Not appropriate due to behaviour or too young.

I think it is sad your Aunt would feel that way. Life is a circle and it is I think it is uplifting to have the new generation there as a sign that life goes on.
For children generally I believe it’s a good opportunity to explain (gently) that no living thing goes on forever as they will experience loss in their childhood, be it family member or a pet or a friend and we will remember them in our hearts.
What would your grandmother want?