To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

No, 1 member of the family is. And seems to think her wishes trump her sister and mother’s.

Yes, I do have children. I generally think a vetted friend is fine though – Crem services are quite short. As I said though, if you’re not comfortable you’re not comfortable.

Your mum clearly doesn’t feel strongly enough or able to make a fuss with your aunt on your behalf though, so that is also her decision.

I think the only other thing you can do is ring your aunt directly – though I would exercise caution with that (though you’ll know her best, of course). Just approach with a lot of care and politeness.

Some people just think formal services are no place for children or babies, and will be very unlikely to change their minds on that.

The last thing you want to do is cause your aunt distress on the day by taking the baby anyway – this will only leak onto your mother and grandmother unfortunately and may well have the potential to spoil it for them.

You’re all grieving, all upset, all at risk of reacting more strongly than you usually would. I’m sorry for your loss.

In my family culture it’s normal for children of all ages to attend funerals, I don’t know of any where young babies would be excluded but I also would trust my aunt’s judgment of her friend being competent and trustworthy to care for a baby close by - my children are nearly grown up now though and I may well have not felt this sanguine when they were babies. Your protective instincts are natural and you should trust them, if it’s those making you hesitate, not personal hurt that your aunt’s being both weird about your child being there and inconsiderate of your feelings.

Yes I'd realised the first part, but it's yet another reason I wouldn't want to be the source of division and upset at such a time - especially when its easily avoided by your DH having the baby just for the service then all going to the wake

You are an adult and they can't make you do anything. They can't dictate that you can't take your baby into the service while also demanding you show up for the wake.

Tbh at 3mo and in a sling under a coat + scarf, many won’t realise your baby’s even there until the wake.

We took baby DS to the funeral of a relative and everyone said how lovely it was, and a wonderful reminder that life goes on.

It seems a bit underhand but I would just all three turn up at the funeral anyway. Your aunt will hardly be able to make a fuss in front of the other attendees, and I'm sure most of them will be pleased to see the new life among them.

contact the crematorium and ask about the layout. last funeral i went to had a main hall and an opening into a large side room where the funeral had speakers so you could hear the speeches and still watch if you poked your head through the open doors connecting the rooms. i was seated there with my 2 year old so i could pop outside if i needed and if she had made a sound it wouldn’t have disturbed the immediate family who were more centrally positioned in the main hall. If there’s a set up like that it may help to reassure your aunt.

Hopefully you can speak to DA directly and ask her if she is worried about the disruption and reassure her that 3 month old babies are not more disruptive than people sneezing, phones ringing etc and that you will take her out if baby starts to grizzle. she’s being unreasonable but it is her parent who died, not yours, so id approach her kindly.

This. I am okay with respecting DAs wishes even if I do not necessarily agree with them, but am upset that I am still expected to travel and hang around with everyone before the funeral and attend the wake especially as I have no idea if that will also be a problem for DA on the day. The fact it has been suggested we stay in the venue of the wake makes me feel like this is a risk. Tbh I wish people would just communicate directly but there is form for this not being a thing!

Also thank you everyone for taking the time write, I am reading all your replies and considering them all.

Why don’t you communicate directly? Get on the phone to your DA and have a conversation.

Your aunt's wishes don't trump anyone else's. In your shoes I'd email the crematorium asking if babies can come, then forward your mum the reply at the very last minute saying 'phew, it looks like we are all welcome to come after all. I'm so relieved' then calmly attend and sit at the back where DH can take the baby out if they cry.

I'm sorry for your loss

Well our lovely friend died,and her DGC of which were 2 babies came along to the Crem .Honestly I have never heard of this.Maybe speak to DM and say you are coming along?

Your aunt has no right to make this decsion alone. I would ask your DM what she wants you to do

1. Bring baby.
2. attend wake with baby
3. not go.

Say you dont want to cause dm or nana any drama, but equally concerned with hurting them by not attending. You cant travel without baby and you cant leave dh and baby in hotel for entire time either.

I would respect whatever dm and nana can manage and if they dont have the energy to disagree with your aunt then fine, mark your grandfather's passing in another way. My opinion of aunt would be changed and very low contact going forward regardless of attending or not attending funeral.

Why can’t your DH just wait outside at crem with baby

Exactly, it’s not your Aunt who should make the final decision, it’s your grandmother. Do what she wants. Talk to her yourself.

whatever valid reasons you might have about wanting to take your baby into the service, you should respect your grandmother enough to do what makes her most comfortable. If she likes the idea of the new generation being represented at the funeral, like many people do, then take your baby. If she’s of a more old fashioned mindset that babies shouldn’t be at funerals, then have your DH wait outside the service.

Your aunt is grieving and might be picking on irrational things to focus on and control as a way of coping so try not to get sucked into a drama about it.

When my DH gran died his Mum was adamant that NO children should be at the funeral, this was based on her idea that funerals were unsuitable for small children. I had four all who knew their great gran, had been to see her in hospital when she was dying as she always loved having her family round even when so ill. it took me stating we could not be at the funeral if we could not come with kids as we had to travel hours to get to the funeral, two were babies and two were just in school and desperate to say a proper goodbye to their gran.

The only time one made a noise during the service was my eldest (level3 ASD and SNs) uttering and signing ‘bye bye gangan’ at the actual committal. TBh given how fiery he could be he pulled his best behaviour out of the hat that day.

With hindsight DH mum admitted having her great grandkids at the funeral had been right to do for her mum, she loved all her family young and old, they had all behaved well and she was grateful I had offered to sit at the back and take them out if any kicked off. her fear had been my eldest being himself as hard as he knew how. My eldest DD recalls that day as being a special goodbye forever party for a very much loved great gran.

Sometimes it’s the worry of what a young child could do, the worry that a funeral is not the place for children even though it’s a part of life. It does depend on the family what they think of as the way to show love and respect to the person who has died and so on. For some families the wake is far more important than the actual funeral as the space to remember, share stories and honour the life of the person who died than the actual committal. This might be why you have all been asked to the wake. TBh from having worked at funerals it’s the last thing families can do for their loved ones and most worry about getting it right and worry about anything that might go wrong to the point they become funeralzillas.

I second the try and have the actual conversation with your DA about her fears and worries, how she views the funeral and wake in and see if between you you could come up with solutions that allow all to pay respects even if it’s as simple as your partner and baby waiting for the coffin to arrive and then wondering around the grounds for the 20 to 30 minutes of the committal service itself.

Hope you can find a way forward that is helpful and comforting for all of the family during this bereft time.

Whilst I was pregnant with my daughter, and in her first few years of life, we had multiple unexpected bereavements, both within the family and or friends who died young.

She came to all of the funerals and memorial services. At that very young age, I found that she was the easiest to bring inconspicuously, as I had her in a baby sling and she slept through. (My plan was to sit at the back and to creep out if she started to stir, but it wasn’t needed).

When she was a toddler, it was close family, and the NOK were clear she was family and wanted there.

Quite often people actually said it was helpful seeing new life in the church/crematorium.

My brother and SIL took their then 3 month old to DSM's DF's funeral. They sat right at the back so that SIL could slip out if baby made a noise. At FIL's funeral, DH's cousin and his wife had their 9 month old at both the crematorium and the church. Apart from a slight squeak from her, no one would have known she was there.

I see nothing wrong with a baby being at a funeral as long as the parents are respectful and quietly remove the baby at the first sign of the baby causing disruption.

I think your aunt is being ridiculous. Firstly, you stay where ever the hell you like! Book into a cheap Travelodge. No one gets to dictate that to you. And I don’t understand why she is getting to dictate who attends. Never heard of babies being banned. I think you should go, sit at the back and DH whisks baby out as soon as there is a murmur from baby.

Oh and I agree, speak to your grandmother. It should be ultimately she who decides who attends.

You aunt is a balloon. Of course babies/children are allowed at a crematorium

Sorry for your loss and that this happened @Timetochangenow I think this is how I feel! 💐

It is really not difficult

You ask the chief mourner directly yourself if you can take your dc (do not pressure or ask them to “explain” reasons, they are grieving, the reasons may not make sense to you and are not up for negotiation).

Once you know, then decide if you will go to pay respects and support your grandmother/DM and your dh supports you attending by having your dc. It was your grandparent.

Then decide if your dh wants to go and if you can find appropriate childcare, if not he will need to miss it. It was not his grandparent, his primary role is to support you and he can best do that by minding your dc.

No need for all this additional drama or “upset”. You/your dh need to compromise/priortise.

sorry for your loss.

But respecting your Aunt’s dictat means not following your DM’s wishes as she wants you there. What about your DM’s wishes?

Your DA is plainly lying about the crem rules and its a pity that your DM is letting her call the shots. Funerals are for everyone, young and old - they are public ceremonies. Its more important that everyone is able to come together to share their loss, talk about the deceased family member and their memories than for the odd individual to turn it into some kind of adults only performance art.

Your DA has no right to bar DGF’s great grandchild and one of the two of you from his funeral. Your DM should be making that point frankly. If any of my siblings had attempted to bar another’s children or grandchildren the whole family would have pointed out the error of their ways in no uncertain terms.

Why on earth does this aunt want you staying at the wake venue when she doesn’t want you at the funeral? It smacks of someone who is more concerned about image than her family.

You ask the chief mourner directly yourself if you can take your dc
Who is the chief mourner? The deceased has two children who are in conflict with each other.

I agree there needs to be no drama but that can and should be achieved by OP just quietly and normally bringing her baby without asking permission or making it any kind of thing.