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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

619 replies

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

OP posts:
blankcanvas3 · 29/12/2025 18:08

I cannot believe he’s not bothered! He absolutely needs to address this with her, I personally wouldn’t be able to live with somebody smelly. I would say to him that he needs to ensure her clothes are clean and she’s washing herself at least every other day else she can’t live with you. I would probably also buy her some deodorant and nice smelling body wash/creams etc to see if that helps

Sunflower1650 · 29/12/2025 18:08

Regardless of whether she has a bath or not, if the smell is on her clothes she will still stink. Does she feel uncomfortable using the washing machine/water regularly with it not being her home hence why she’s hardly washing? How old is she?

KimberleyClark · 29/12/2025 18:10

Is she depressed? Lack of self care is often a sign.

RosieSpring · 29/12/2025 18:12

I think you should speak to her yourself OP. Is she wearing old clothes? Any neurodiversity?

Overtheatlantic · 29/12/2025 18:13

Whatever the reason, she is living in your house and needs to follow the rules of basic hygiene. I would strongly encourage your son to talk to her, gently but firmly.

MrsDoylesDoily · 29/12/2025 18:14

There was a man on a forum I used to post on years ago who ended up dating two women from the same forum (not at the same time!)

They both finished with him because he had a fetish about smelly, unwashed women and used to get sexually excited by BO and other smells.

Do you think it could be something like that?

TeaRoseTallulah · 29/12/2025 18:15

I would tell your son to have a word and if he doesn't want to then you'll have to step in.

averychoc · 29/12/2025 18:16

I was like this as a teen who ended up living with a freinds family. My own upbringing never taught me to wash or wash my clothes with any sense of regularity. I’m embarrassed now of how I was back then but I really didn’t understand. I learned by them modelling their own good habits though, everyone had a daily shower and at some point I picked up that was what people were supposed to do. I was shy and couldn’t have just used the washing machine alone even if I wanted to (I’m autistic) but the mum picked up on this and made a ‘rota’ for the machine so we all had time slots - very rich like Monday am and Thursday pm type thing. So they all got on with it and I just fell in to the routine over time. I can never be more grateful to them for taking me in and gently teaching me without pointing anything out. I was in my 40s before I realised just how well they handled it and how much they did for me.

Original poster
guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:16

in answer to some questions - she is 23 and there is possibly some neurodiversity. My son is autistic and he thinks she is too. I know she is sensitive to certain body washes, but she can use a particular Sanex one. It is expensive so I bought her a load when I saw it on offer.

OP posts:
Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 29/12/2025 18:18

I would talk to her yourself OP, difficult as it is. You need to be honest with her, but kind.

DaughterOfPearl · 29/12/2025 18:18

Your house, your rules OP.

Sod asking your son to have a word. Sit her down privately and tell her you expect her to shower/wash daily and clothes be washed every couple of wears (or whatever your personal preferences are).

IslaNotFisher · 29/12/2025 18:20

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 29/12/2025 18:18

I would talk to her yourself OP, difficult as it is. You need to be honest with her, but kind.

I second this. If your son is aware and doesn't view it as an issue or is embarrassed about talking about it with her ("hey babe... you stink!"), then you need to very gently have a one-on-one conversation with her and explain it's an issue and something that needs to be addressed, primarily for her own health and sanity. It's like when you need to have the chat with children about wearing deodorant or bathing everyday, I suppose.

I'd honestly ask ChatGPT for some wording you could use because I wouldn't even know how to begin the conversation.

Itsmetheflamingo · 29/12/2025 18:20

This is clearly psychological from a young woman who has obviously been through some trauma. Please don’t treat her the way some posters are suggesting, it would be cruel.

im not sure what you should do to be honest. If you knew you couldn’t change it what would you do? Throw her out? Or grimace and accept it?

Millytante · 29/12/2025 18:22

What has your husband’s sister to do with it? Is she staying at your house too?
Someone is going to crack soon though, possibly your husband.

EDIT scratch this….OP has just revealed the son is autistic and the gf nay be too. (FFS isnt this germane to the info in first post?)
Back to the drawing board unless OP bites the bullet right this minute and speaks up.

This is really your son’s problem to resolve, as it seems only he knows the first thing about this girl, upbringing notwithstanding.
He has to broach this matter and get things out in the air between them; this is a major burden to plonk on his family at all, her living at his parents’ house, never mind adding this tricky subject.
Had she very limited experience of the world outside? Is he in the rôle of her white knight? (But with you providing the sanctuary).

SallyDraperGetInHere · 29/12/2025 18:22

I voted YABU because I don’t think your son should be the one to deal with it. He’s clearly not that bothered, doesn’t see it as a big deal, and won’t be assertive enough. So you will not get the outcome you want. You have to deal with it head-on by sitting down with her and explaining she needs to take 5-7 showers a week, and clothes need to laundered after x wears. If she doesn’t know this, she needs to be told.

Are either of them paying you any money? Is she in a job/education? Are they worried about the cost of hot water/laundering?

Jinglejells · 29/12/2025 18:24

DaughterOfPearl · 29/12/2025 18:18

Your house, your rules OP.

Sod asking your son to have a word. Sit her down privately and tell her you expect her to shower/wash daily and clothes be washed every couple of wears (or whatever your personal preferences are).

This.

Sunshineclouds11 · 29/12/2025 18:24

Have to be cruel to be kind.

Original poster
guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:25

Itsmetheflamingo · 29/12/2025 18:20

This is clearly psychological from a young woman who has obviously been through some trauma. Please don’t treat her the way some posters are suggesting, it would be cruel.

im not sure what you should do to be honest. If you knew you couldn’t change it what would you do? Throw her out? Or grimace and accept it?

I wouldn’t throw her out, no, but I’m getting to the stage where I feel something needs to be done. I don’t think my son is happy about it - he’s just avoiding the issue as he is worried about upsetting her.

OP posts:
redfishcat · 29/12/2025 18:26

What @Illbefinejustbloodyfine said. You have to talk to her yourself, and explain how adult women in the adult world keep them selves clean. Has she had a period and how does this affect her BO ?
I think the idea of rotas is also good, one for the shower and one for the washing machine.
Just a final thought, like some of the smelly teens parents sometimes post about, she may actually need a talk about washing under her arms and other bits, with a wash cloth or sponge and soap.
You may need to buy her a set of washcloths and a laundry basket.

ypu are kind to take her in, but this will be a tough conversation so she is pleasant to live with

youalright · 29/12/2025 18:26

I would go upstairs and say eww whats that smell coming from your bedroom have either of you got clothes that need washing in there

BlessedCheesemaker · 29/12/2025 18:27

Tell her yourself in a straightforward way. It's your house. Don't put it on your son if he isn't that bothered anyway.

Itsmetheflamingo · 29/12/2025 18:28

Sunshineclouds11 · 29/12/2025 18:24

Have to be cruel to be kind.

I’ve been visiting a psychiatric hospital this week which has a number of young female patients who have neglected their hygiene and appearance to these extremes for complex reasons, related to trauma. It would be a big mistake to be cruel to be kind with these women, they are very vulnerable

babasaclover · 29/12/2025 18:29

Disco minge 🤮 how does he go near that

rainbowunicorn22 · 29/12/2025 18:30

how awful. i assume that they are sharing a bed so its a wonder your son does not find the bed smells too. i think it is best for your son to say something but its obvious he does not want probably for fear of upsetting her. it may be time for some tough love perhaps say to her i am sorry but house rules are everyone has a shower each day and clean clothes too

Original poster
guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:31

Millytante · 29/12/2025 18:22

What has your husband’s sister to do with it? Is she staying at your house too?
Someone is going to crack soon though, possibly your husband.

EDIT scratch this….OP has just revealed the son is autistic and the gf nay be too. (FFS isnt this germane to the info in first post?)
Back to the drawing board unless OP bites the bullet right this minute and speaks up.

This is really your son’s problem to resolve, as it seems only he knows the first thing about this girl, upbringing notwithstanding.
He has to broach this matter and get things out in the air between them; this is a major burden to plonk on his family at all, her living at his parents’ house, never mind adding this tricky subject.
Had she very limited experience of the world outside? Is he in the rôle of her white knight? (But with you providing the sanctuary).

Edited

Sorry I wasn’t clear. I meant my daughter (I think I meant to put across that his girlfriend’s smell is bothering us (his parents) and his sister.

OP posts:
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