Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

ND card bingo strikes again.

Now we are smelly and unkempt.

🙄🙄🙄

Following because I have someone at home with a similar issue and so far nothing has worked, direct or indirectly.

Except for the cruelty of embarrassing someone directly, I don’t know what else to do.

Tell your son to grab all of their washing now and then it needs doing twice a week. It’s not negotiable to only do his own and it can all go in together. That would be a simple solution if she’s not passing it over.

Then he needs to speak to her about showering. He might need to be a bit blunt about it if she’s not even realising by her own nose.

It was very clear that you meant your daughter. I think if you’ve hinted, bought shower gels, offered to wash clothes and nothing has changed then you should just tell her she needs to shower at least once a day and frequently wash clothes because her BO is offensive. You’ve tried to address it by tip toeing around the issue and that hasn’t worked so you just need to be honest.

A lot of ND people are smelly and unkempt. Just like a lot will be the complete opposite and be overzealous with cleanliness and hygiene. You do realise it is a spectrum?

How on earth does he get intimate with her smelling so bad? He needs to have a word with her it’s disrespectful to you having bad smells in yours and other family members houses. Totally unacceptable IMO. How does your DH feel?

My autistic son was a bit like this. I made it a routine. Every e expected to shower on certain days. I would knock on doors and tell each person to not forget their turn to shower and wash. I told each person so no-one felt singled out. Definitely don’t tell her she stinks, or say anything that would make her feel anxious. Just say so eth8ng you need a rota for Everything related to washing.

‘A bit of autism’ does actually mean you are neurologically disabled. That’s why we need extra support with certain things. Sometimes if you haven’t been shown how to do something, like wash, you might need extra guidance. It might also take longer to grasp.

ND or not, this is no way to live. She may well be embarrassed or may not care, but you have to have a discussion with her now, you cannot allow someone to live like this it’s ridiculous. Be direct for everyone’s sake.

I think you have to treat them like young children at this point. Not in a cruel way, but in an instructing way. I had an upbringing that bordered on the neglectful in terms of personal hygiene, and although i showered every day, I was never taught about how to clean my clothes or bedclothes. I was also not taught about proper hair washing. I had to learn and tbh only learned as an adult when living with other people.

With my teens I still am very descriptive about how they keep themselves clean. They have to have a shower daily, if they are out in the world at school. I am prepared to let a shower on Sundays go. They have their bedclothes washed weekly. I am happy for them to wear the same clothes 2 days in a row, but then there is a wash.

It truly sounds like this girl has never been taught about personal hygiene, nor why it matters. So she has to be taught. It can be simple as saying 'Right, on Tuesdays your bedclothes are going in the wash, ours will be on Thursdays'. It can be saying 'I am using the washing machine today, before noon. Collect your c,othes and pout them in at 3 pm'. It could be drawing up a bathroom and shower usage agreement. People would not be concerned about saying 'Here is a cooking schedule' so put up a washing schedule.

So your suggestion is to humiliate her in front of everyone and threaten to throw her out, rather than have a quiet word with her alone?

This is an excellent response. I’m so sorry this was your experience @Chickencuddle😢. Sending ♥️

I think the clothes washing is a good idea but I wouldn’t advise the son to deliver the news. I think mum would be better off saying it’s the house rules and everyone has to.

She isn’t currently working but actively looking for work. I think I can use that as a justification for raising it too, by pointing out that hygiene is important for employers .

You say she has had a poor upbringing, so I have voted yabu for expecting your son to talk to her.

In your shoes I would be having a mum-like chat with her. Apologise, and acknowledge it is awkward but have that conversation with her.

Offer to help her wash her stuff/help her to buy some new bits if needed.

I suspect she needs a mum's influence here rather than her boyfriend's.

With my shower-dodging autistic teenager, direct indirectness works best: frame it as you are going for a shower, give a closed choice about when "I'm going in the shower when I've done X, are you going in before/ after me?" "Great, I'll put the heating/ hot water on ready for you".
It puts a bit of control in their hands, isn't too subtle but doesn't take too much agency away.
Advance notice to process the idea also helps.
(Hints are useless)

There's often sensory issues, or executive function issues at play. Different smells, temperature, wet/ dry, hair/ skin feeling different. There's lots of different stages to get in through in the right order: undressing, getting wet, shampoo, rinising, conditioner, rinsing...

I've had to swap lids on the brand of small bottles we use for travelling/ swimming as the brand of big bottles had set a default that black = first and white = second. He struggles with checking lables for "shampoo" "conditioner" and remembering which does what in what order when he's trying to deal with thousands of drops of water hitting his skin and hair (he can't remember left and right at the best of times anyway).

Progress is often made by adding little bite-sized stages of development and perseverence at each babystep, much slower than it would be in a NT person. Good luck!

Could she be worried about showering whilst other people are at home?
I say this as someone who felt a similar way as a young adult and even as a fully fledged adult I hate showering if anyone other than immediate family are in the house

My dd is 21 and autistic and ADHD, I have to remind her to wash, shower/bath or she just doesn’t think to do it. I still have to remind her to brush her teeth in the mornings too (evenings she seems to remember). I bought her lots of nice smellies for Christmas which she actually requested and she hasn’t used any of them. I have to be very straight with her and tell her when she smells, there’s no other way. Apparently I have a sensitive nose and no one else can smell her.

Maybe your sons girlfriend needs reminding? Maybe she just doesn’t prioritise washing? Or simply forgets? Your DS has to share a bed with her so surely he can tell her to have a shower?

🥱

The cold excuse us a good start place if its executive dysfunction standing in the way perhaps " i always feel better after a freshen up. Would you prefer me to get the shower or bath ready? if says neither then gently I dont mean to offend but you do need to take care of yourself a little il get a fresh towel

If she is autistic, this could be really relevant. For many autistic people, showers can be overwhelming — the noise, sudden temperature changes, the feel of water, and even product smells can all be too much. Baths may be easier because they’re more predictable and controllable.

My daughter is autistic (though she’s only 5), so I understand how sensory issues can affect washing, but I have no doubt it’s hard to raise this with an adult partner of a child.

It might help to hear from someone with lived experience as an autistic adult so please consider posting on one of the SEN boards, as you’re likely to get more relevant and helpful replies there than on AIBU.

So are many neurotypical people! It doesn't make you exclusively ND!

ND person here. At the grand old age of 52 I still struggle with showering. (I'm not scruffy and unkempt though, thank you very much to that poster🙄). In my home I have the added faffage of a shower that I struggle to get the temperature right, the cold air coming in the open window (no extractor fan) and then the whole getting undressed (aka cold) then wet, then drying off (cold), then wearing clothes on skin that is towel dry but not quite dry-dry, is so draining to me. I shower once a week in winter, (more in hotter weather) and wash with a flannel the rest of the time. As others have said if you can heat the bathroom, that may help. She might find a podcast episode or song playlist helpful. As a young adult without a diagnosis (with likely undiagnosed ND at home) she may well not realise that her aversion IS a neurodiversity trait.

I think you should parent her as if she were your own daughter. I'd be direct and unembarrassed with her, without accusing her of anything; "Laura, it's been a few days since you've had a shower, go and have one today. Is there anything you need for it to be comfortable for you?" "Laura, we haven't washed any of your clothes in a while, please take this washing basket up to your room and bring down all of your clothes that you've worn since they were last washed, and we can do a load of laundry today."

Its almost impossible (possible but not probable) that she has never been supported with it, she will have stood out at school, had various welbeing oversights no doubt, may have had social workers given what OP says, migh have had SEN support given her presentation. Much of this aims to compensate if parents are lacking in some way

The reality is that many autistic people's rigidity and 'rules' about what they will or wont do means that routine in particular hygiene can be very difficult for many.