Page 25 | Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

guineaguineaguineapig · 2025-12-29T18:03:35+00:00

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has. She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though. *Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? *It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

Gettingbysomehow · 01/01/2026 21:09

Im sorry there is no way Id tolerate this in my house. Id be telling her she either showers daily and puts all her clothing in the wash or its time to move out. I couldnt stick this for 5 minutes. Speak to them together and make it quite clear.

Gettingbysomehow · 01/01/2026 21:10

Id say something like...there is no nice way to put this Susan but your personal hygiene is not acceptable.

IAmKerplunk · 01/01/2026 22:02

Gettingbysomehow · 01/01/2026 21:10

Id say something like...there is no nice way to put this Susan but your personal hygiene is not acceptable.

🤦🏽‍♀️

nebulousMoose · 01/01/2026 23:49

Gettingbysomehow · 01/01/2026 21:10

Id say something like...there is no nice way to put this Susan but your personal hygiene is not acceptable.

Things have moved on since the start of this thread and the OP has already taken some very positive action.

BlondeBonBon · 02/01/2026 07:17

I really like how you’ve gone about this, with kindness, patience and understanding but also with very clear expectations.

Gettingbysomehow · 02/01/2026 07:33

nebulousMoose · 01/01/2026 23:49

Things have moved on since the start of this thread and the OP has already taken some very positive action.

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There is always so much fannying about on mumsnet everyone desperate to save everyone's feelings.
If someone is living in my house stinking the place out Im telling them straight away and if they don't like it they can move out.
Honestly just get on with it.

travelforthesoul · 02/01/2026 08:31

what a good update. Tackled with sensitivity yet direct. I hope this young person continues to grow and flourish while in your care. It sounds like she could do with some motherly guidance and support.

estrogone · 02/01/2026 10:44

Gettingbysomehow · 02/01/2026 07:33

There is always so much fannying about on mumsnet everyone desperate to save everyone's feelings.
If someone is living in my house stinking the place out Im telling them straight away and if they don't like it they can move out.
Honestly just get on with it.

Show quote history

Rtft.

IAmKerplunk · 02/01/2026 11:52

Gettingbysomehow · 02/01/2026 07:33

There is always so much fannying about on mumsnet everyone desperate to save everyone's feelings.
If someone is living in my house stinking the place out Im telling them straight away and if they don't like it they can move out.
Honestly just get on with it.

Show quote history

So you wouldn’t kindly but firmly speak to the person who is obviously struggling? You wouldn’t guide and steer them to take better care of themselves? Instead you would say ‘You stink. Either wash or get out’ Really? You would ignore how your words could affect someone else under the guise of ‘Fannying around trying to save everyone’s feelings’? You sound lovely.

oldmoaner · 02/01/2026 17:59

I really am so pleased this has worked out well. She is probably so pleased that she can talk to you, especially if her mother has been like that with her. I really hope things go well for you all now.

RandomMess · 02/01/2026 18:24

@guineaguineaguineapig I’m glad it went well and she is hopefully feeling supported.

If it wasn’t to do with the storage issue please discuss the lack of underwear issue. Hopefully over time she can develop more routines to cope better.

BlondeBonBon · 02/01/2026 20:21

the lack of knickers could be due to a sensory thing around seams or hiding them due to shame. Best ask the boyfriend to purchase some for her. Possibly seamless, soft to touch

YerArseInParsley · 04/01/2026 15:19

guineaguineaguineapig · 30/12/2025 17:35

This is concerning. How does this happen? I didn’t know this was a thing!? Did someone post it?Was it an advert for the Mumsnet site? Thanks for drawing my attention to it…

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It's not just fb posts, these often do end up in the papers too.

You really don't know who is on these sites. There's journalists looking for anything to fill their pages. U think asking advice about a girl that doesn't wash isn't newsworthy, crap journalists think differently. They'll take anything off these pages.

Lifealwaysgetsbetter · 05/01/2026 14:14

guineaguineaguineapig · 31/12/2025 12:54

Update. I've now had the chat with her and I think it went well. I mentioned that I noticed a reluctance on her part to use the shower and asked if there was anything we could do to make it easier. For those who have suggested it is due to her upbringing and also neurodiversity were spot on. She has explained why showering is very difficult for her. I can't go into detail because it would be outing, but there was some very unusual behaviour and neglect on the part of her mother, which explains a lot. This, along with health issues (again, can't go into detail) make showering a big deal both physically and mentally. We established the best time of day for her to shower (related to health issue) and agreed she would shower three times a week, and I suggested she pick the days. She said she will need pushing to do it and has given me permission to remind her and encourage her. I also talked about clothing and said that we will wash absolutely everything because dirty and clean clothes have got muddled up (which could be blamed on lack of storage space) and that from now onwards we will find a system to keep track of what needs washing. More storage space has been provided. I also bought her a Sanex deodorant, which she seemed pleased with, and I explained that on the days she doesn't shower she needs to wash and use the deodorant every day. Her mother had never taught her any of this and in fact had actively discouraged it. We have spoken since the chat (about other irrelevent things) and she seems fine and in a good mood - in fact, she seems quite relieved.
I am very grateful for all the advice I got on MN, which helped me face it head-on, and I'm so glad I did. I tend to be a bit avoidant when it comes to problems, so being given suggestions and encouragement has been really helpful. The best advice (which came up a lot) was to be direct and give specific instructions to her. I wasted a lot of time hinting and tiptoeing around the subject. She really is a lovely girl and just needs some guidance. For those who have said they think I am putting up with too much, I would say that I think some people are worth putting effort into.

What a lovely person you are to do this. You handled it brilliantly and have probably changed her life forever. 🥰

Bloozie · 05/01/2026 16:52

What a brilliant update. You’re a very good egg.

LBFseBrom · 05/01/2026 21:40

I think you are great and hope all works out well. The girl is fortunate to have you in her life, I wish I had had someone like you when I was a youngster.

PiFilling · 06/01/2026 21:40

averychoc · 29/12/2025 18:16

I was like this as a teen who ended up living with a freinds family. My own upbringing never taught me to wash or wash my clothes with any sense of regularity. I’m embarrassed now of how I was back then but I really didn’t understand. I learned by them modelling their own good habits though, everyone had a daily shower and at some point I picked up that was what people were supposed to do. I was shy and couldn’t have just used the washing machine alone even if I wanted to (I’m autistic) but the mum picked up on this and made a ‘rota’ for the machine so we all had time slots - very rich like Monday am and Thursday pm type thing. So they all got on with it and I just fell in to the routine over time. I can never be more grateful to them for taking me in and gently teaching me without pointing anything out. I was in my 40s before I realised just how well they handled it and how much they did for me.

Honestly, this was me too. I also wasn't taught to shower or wash my clothes regularly, which just embarrasses and disgusts me now when I think about it. While I never went to live with a friend, I went to a summer program at a university the year before I finished school. I saw other people showering daily and washing their clothes and sheets. It rubbed off on me a bit for that final year at home, though I wasn't 100% "fixed" until I went to university and fully modelled everyone else's behaviour. To their credit, I'm still friends with many of my school friends to this day and literally no one has ever said anything about it. However, I would shower 1-2 times a week and wear clothes that had not been washed in ages. I'm sure I absolutely reeked.

That said, I'd give gentle encouragement through the rota idea and hopefully that will be sufficient.

WarmGreyHare · 06/01/2026 22:12

guineaguineaguineapig · 31/12/2025 12:54

Update. I've now had the chat with her and I think it went well. I mentioned that I noticed a reluctance on her part to use the shower and asked if there was anything we could do to make it easier. For those who have suggested it is due to her upbringing and also neurodiversity were spot on. She has explained why showering is very difficult for her. I can't go into detail because it would be outing, but there was some very unusual behaviour and neglect on the part of her mother, which explains a lot. This, along with health issues (again, can't go into detail) make showering a big deal both physically and mentally. We established the best time of day for her to shower (related to health issue) and agreed she would shower three times a week, and I suggested she pick the days. She said she will need pushing to do it and has given me permission to remind her and encourage her. I also talked about clothing and said that we will wash absolutely everything because dirty and clean clothes have got muddled up (which could be blamed on lack of storage space) and that from now onwards we will find a system to keep track of what needs washing. More storage space has been provided. I also bought her a Sanex deodorant, which she seemed pleased with, and I explained that on the days she doesn't shower she needs to wash and use the deodorant every day. Her mother had never taught her any of this and in fact had actively discouraged it. We have spoken since the chat (about other irrelevent things) and she seems fine and in a good mood - in fact, she seems quite relieved.
I am very grateful for all the advice I got on MN, which helped me face it head-on, and I'm so glad I did. I tend to be a bit avoidant when it comes to problems, so being given suggestions and encouragement has been really helpful. The best advice (which came up a lot) was to be direct and give specific instructions to her. I wasted a lot of time hinting and tiptoeing around the subject. She really is a lovely girl and just needs some guidance. For those who have said they think I am putting up with too much, I would say that I think some people are worth putting effort into.

Depends what the physical issues are of course, but would a shower chair help?
Also. Washing hair is the biggest effort of showering to me, if she is struggling then a body shower only is better than nothing and takes me under 5 minutes.
I also hate having to get dried and dressed so when at all possible I shower at times where I can wear a towel and my toweling dressing gown until air dried. If she is at all similar then I recommend a massive towelling robe!

AngryLikeHades · 07/01/2026 20:32

@guineaguineaguineapig you are amazing!!!!! What a lovely thing you have done xxx
Ps. I think I might have a very similar past to her and your approach would have be perfect for me