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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

619 replies

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

OP posts:
Sleepasaurus · 29/12/2025 19:22

The sensitivity to shower gel might be your way in.
Talk to her and say that you have noticed that she doesn’t often wash her laundry or use the bathroom. Ask if she has any other sensitivities that may be preventing her from washing?
You can do it kindly.

Your son suggested that she may be autistic, what does she think?

yikesss · 29/12/2025 19:23

My son has a friend like this. All you can do is keep encouraging, kindly! I think i would rather be told than everyone thinking I smell

Wells37 · 29/12/2025 19:24

i think it would be better coming from you.
Just say when everyone else is out.

Can we have quick chat? Sorry it’s a bit awkward, but I’ve noticed you don’t shower very much and aren’t washing your clothes. I understand things were sometimes difficult for you when lived with your family. So this is completely understandable.
You can use the shower/ whatever you want and you should be showering every other day at least.
Would it be ok if I showed you how to sort your clothes and use the washing machine? Then I help you get everything clean and you can start afresh. If you short on anything maybe I can treat you to a few things to help.

Original poster
guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 19:25

Chickencuddle · 29/12/2025 19:21

When I was younger I went into foster care. I hadnt been washing regularly as we were not allowed. I was allowed one bath a week and wasnt really taught about washing etc. I also didnt like showering as it was quite triggering for me to undress and everytime I had a shower I felt scared and panicky. My foster carers would go on at me to have a shower and it didnt make me feel good on top of everything else. I know I needed to shower more byt what I really needed was understanding and reassurance. Instead of them nagging me that I need a shower every day, it would have been really helpful if they had noticed and asked questions. Like: did you shower often at home? What was your routine? Do you not like showering very much? Why is this? How can I help you? I understand.........but you will feel better after youve showered and I promise you are safe. I will help you in any way I can.
Now I was younger. But thats just how I felt.
I think a gentle but honest conversation lead with curiosity and trying to understand and be kind.

This is very helpful, thank you. I think asking her more about it could be a good idea

OP posts:
Fellontheground · 29/12/2025 19:25

I would call a family meeting and insist that they shower each day as is the norm and launder clothes daily too. Otherwise, the front door is that way. You shouldn’t have to put up with such a grim odour OP.

thestudio · 29/12/2025 19:27

'X, listen, I should have mentioned it's a house rules that everyone showers or bathes at least every other day. I could run you a bath now, might help with that horrible cold you've got? Sorry if this seems a bit bossy but we know from experience itit's easy to let things go a bit otherwise.'

You don't have to say whose experience but it means it's not all about her.

Ifeeltheneedtheneedforcoffee · 29/12/2025 19:27

Do you have a lock on your bathroom door? Could she be feeling unsure about having a shower if the lock doesn't work and hasnt perhaps noticed the smell?
Maybe she only uses a specific washing powder because of sensitivities (like the shower gel) and doesn't want to ask (or to ask ds)
Good luck with the conversation

Evaka · 29/12/2025 19:28

averychoc · 29/12/2025 18:16

I was like this as a teen who ended up living with a freinds family. My own upbringing never taught me to wash or wash my clothes with any sense of regularity. I’m embarrassed now of how I was back then but I really didn’t understand. I learned by them modelling their own good habits though, everyone had a daily shower and at some point I picked up that was what people were supposed to do. I was shy and couldn’t have just used the washing machine alone even if I wanted to (I’m autistic) but the mum picked up on this and made a ‘rota’ for the machine so we all had time slots - very rich like Monday am and Thursday pm type thing. So they all got on with it and I just fell in to the routine over time. I can never be more grateful to them for taking me in and gently teaching me without pointing anything out. I was in my 40s before I realised just how well they handled it and how much they did for me.

This is gorgeous to read x

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 29/12/2025 19:28

Holluschickie · 29/12/2025 18:56

I would ask her to leave but I am not a very kind person.

Me too.

The thought of me tiptoeing around the elephant in the room, and being ‘too kind’ to say anything, in my own damn house.
Well, fuck that.

So, if she’s ND, does that mean that everyone else has to deal with her BO for the rest of the time that she’s living there??
Fuck that, too.

ComedyGuns · 29/12/2025 19:28

blankcanvas3 · 29/12/2025 18:08

I cannot believe he’s not bothered! He absolutely needs to address this with her, I personally wouldn’t be able to live with somebody smelly. I would say to him that he needs to ensure her clothes are clean and she’s washing herself at least every other day else she can’t live with you. I would probably also buy her some deodorant and nice smelling body wash/creams etc to see if that helps

This!! You are being way too accommodating. Your house your rules etc.

Just tell your son that if she wants to continue to stay, she has to adhere to the same hygiene rules as everyone else. End of.

Irotoyu · 29/12/2025 19:31

This thread is ridiculous... She is 23 a fully grown adult not a teenager. A bit of autism doesn't mean you are mentally disabled! You will be doing her a favour by telling her upfront that she smells and needs to wash and wash her clothes or you cannot have her living in your house.

ScrollingLeaves · 29/12/2025 19:32

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 29/12/2025 19:22

What for?

Show quote history

Presumably to enjoy swimming while getting chlorinated clean while doing so.

EchoesOfOurDreams · 29/12/2025 19:32

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 19:01

Thanks. It’s really helpful to hear it from the other perspective. I think I need to put on my big girl pants and talk with her in a sensitive way, using some of the suggestions given. It’s true that hints aren’t working.

Show quote history

If she is autistic she is less likely to take hints. You often have to be blunt and direct with them as they often miss social cues like hints.

I would take her aside and gently but firmly say that while she is living in your house the rules are she needs to have a shower everyday and wash her clothes regularly. In terms of washing clothes just tell her the best thing will be to add her clothes to your DS's load when he does the washing so in reality she won't need to do much but remember to give him her dirty clothes when he asks. Maybe instruct your son separately to just be firm and take his GF's clothes to wash when he does his washing. Explain to the GF that it is not socially acceptable to shower infrequently and to never wash your clothes otherwise we can smell bad to others even if we can't tell whether we smell or not. She may have never been taught any of this and because she is autistic she has not managed to pick this up either.

My dad is very likely autistic and he had once gotten into a bad habit about showering. When I was younger he used to shower or have a bath religiously but he and my mum divorced a few years ago and I think this habit has slipped. He then got it into his head that he only needs to have a shower when he's working but he dropped his working days to 3 days a week. This wouldn't have been an issue except last year he had to live with us for a few months due to a housing problem. After a few days I couldn't bear it but luckily I can be quite blunt and direct so I just basically told him he smells bad and that he needs to have a shower everyday even when he's not working. He was living with us rent free and I was cooking all of his meals and not expecting any help with housework so I just said if he wants to carry on staying with us then he needs to have a shower everyday. It worked luckily. Now he has a new partner and he is back to having daily showers thankfully.

JWhipple · 29/12/2025 19:34

MrsDoylesDoily · 29/12/2025 18:14

There was a man on a forum I used to post on years ago who ended up dating two women from the same forum (not at the same time!)

They both finished with him because he had a fetish about smelly, unwashed women and used to get sexually excited by BO and other smells.

Do you think it could be something like that?

How on earth did you go from "young woman with a difficult history who is having to stay at her partner's parents house" to "oh I bet your son has a fetish tee hee"

Fellontheground · 29/12/2025 19:36

Honestly, some of the suggestions here: heated towels, heated floors, trips to Boots, fancy body sprays. A lot of pressure (and expense) on the OP. Tell the pair of them straight OP. Your house, your rules.

Lotsnlotsoflove · 29/12/2025 19:36

I think you need to treat this head on and kindly. Ask the gf for a private chat, tell her you are concerned for her and care about her as a person living in your home. Explain that she and her clothes have an odour that suggests she isn’t taking good care of herself. Ask her if she needs and help and say you are there for her, but firmly let her understand it is not ok to live in your home and stink it up.

UncannyFanny · 29/12/2025 19:37

MrsDoylesDoily · 29/12/2025 18:14

There was a man on a forum I used to post on years ago who ended up dating two women from the same forum (not at the same time!)

They both finished with him because he had a fetish about smelly, unwashed women and used to get sexually excited by BO and other smells.

Do you think it could be something like that?

Oh here we go. Let’s blame the man. Maybe she’s just grubby and it’s nothing to do with men? 🙄

Ilovecheeseyah · 29/12/2025 19:37

She is depressed and doesn’t care for herself. Poor lamb needs help

CactusSammy · 29/12/2025 19:40

I had the same issue with my daughters boyfriend when they were in their teens. He'd had a difficult upbringing, and was at my house most of the time.

I discussed it with my daughter first, and then sat them both down and told them that they're at the age where they're getting a bit fausty around the pits, and then took them both out to choose some nice shower gel and deodorant. I think it was better than singling him out and making him feel awkward.

I know shes a bit older, but maybe the same type of thing would work?

Perrylobster · 29/12/2025 19:43

I was going to ask if she’s autistic, but I’ve just read that your son is and potentially she could be too.
She might just need it spelling out to her. Obviously you can do that sensitively but I would probably just sit her down for a chat and give her some nice products and say that the house rules are that we wash every day and we have clean clothes regularly.

You can offer to help her wash her clothes for the first few times so she gets into the routine.
She probably needs it saying very clearly as autistic people (I’m one) have trouble reading between the lines. Hinting or gentle nudging won’t work as you probably know with your son.

Makemeanonymous · 29/12/2025 19:43

Honestly OP yes you need to talk to this young woman.
I think you also need to talk to your son about hygiene as well because the fact he is willing to put up with her lack of cleanliness is worrying.

mydogisanidiott · 29/12/2025 19:45

Good luck op it sounds like you have a handle on this now.

For the laundry - does she have enough practical clothing the last the week? Things that are easy to wash and dry and dont need ironing? Also remember to wash the pyjamas and hoodies and bedding that frequently get forgotten and coats too!

Coffeeandcocktails · 29/12/2025 19:45

Definitely sit down with her yourself, have a chat and ask her some questions as if she were your own child. You could offer to dry and style her hair for her after a bath/shower?

I was only taught the most basic of personal hygiene as a child and honestly didn’t realise until I grew up and moved out that it wasn’t normal and breaking the bad habits was hard!

Beesandhoney123 · 29/12/2025 19:46

I would ensure that your ds and his gf change their bedclothes at least once a week, plus any nightwear. Move on to clothes washing/ towels washing.

we use sanex and fairy non bio is the only washing tablet that doesn't make anyone itch after clothes/ towels being washed. She might be worried about that?

I would sit at the kitchen table and work out a rota for getting washing done ' do everything is always clean' and as everyone showers/ bathes daily, they need clean things. she could help work it all out. This will lead onto a convo about her showering habits and she must shower and brush her teeth!

There is also scabies. People get that if they don't wash/ change sheets etc. Make sure they keep their room tidy and clean (!)

ComedyGuns · 29/12/2025 19:46

Fellontheground · 29/12/2025 19:36

Honestly, some of the suggestions here: heated towels, heated floors, trips to Boots, fancy body sprays. A lot of pressure (and expense) on the OP. Tell the pair of them straight OP. Your house, your rules.

This!! Seriously!!