Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

Can't you sit her down gently and say something about how in your house people shower regularly and you can help her wash her clothes? Sounds like she hadn't had much parenting and it would help her.

OP, is your son's girlfriend working?
If she's going out to work every day I can't believe no one's said anything to her, but if she's not working, not going out and spending most of her time in your home she may just be oblivious to the smell.
I agree with @floatingdownriver if she's ND subtle isn't going to work.

I wouldnt have it in my house, its not about kindness or otherwise.

Its not very kind to stink someones house out, ND or no ND.

Tell her yourself.

I told my own Mother that she stank - someone had to.

Thanks. It’s really helpful to hear it from the other perspective. I think I need to put on my big girl pants and talk with her in a sensitive way, using some of the suggestions given. It’s true that hints aren’t working.

I think you have to be really straightforward with her, but do it when you're washing up together or in the car together, no face to face contact or looking at her in the eye.
We love having you here and I'm being to feel like your another daughter to me. I hope you like living here too. I want to make sure you're really comfortable being here, is there anything I can do to help? Tell her you used to be some uncomfortable doing xxxx at your boyfriends house when you were young and you'd hate her to feel like that. Tell her for example you've noticed she's not showering very often and that she's not used the washing machine. You'd like it if she showered at least every other day to stay fresh and that she changed her clothing every day. Then tell her, after we've done what we're doing she can take a shower and you'll do her a load of laundry like a mum would do to look after their kid and everyone needs a bit of mothering occasionally however old they are. Say I hope you don't mind I just want you to settle in well and feel welcome. Just ask me for anything you need support with.
Ask her if she'd like a long dressing gown so that she can cover up and walk to and from the bedroom, and you'd love to treat her to it, if that helped. Also maybe take her to Boots and get her to choose some body spray if she'd like some. Tell your son when everyone is going to be out and she can have a bath or shower then, she may be really self conscious of you knowing she's undressed or something.
You need to be kind but direct, and remember she may feel rejection easily so reiterate how much she means to you and your son and that she's welcome to be there.

Does she not have a mum to tell her this?

I’d probably try the route I dragged the teen boy through when he tried to have a stinky stage.

Twice a week go up and basically demand the washing. Here’s the basket fill it up you pair, everything you’ve got it’s starting to smell musty in here. Also pop that window open for a few minutes.

Again at least twice a week for a starter either turn on the shower or run the bath. Knock hey Ds girlfriend shower/bath is ready for you, once you’re done just drop the towel on the hamper and I’ll wash it for you.

Like a done deal.

Also Homebargains is great for Sanex my middle child reacts to everything else so I get it in there £2.99 a bottle and the soap is like £1/£2.

I couldn’t live with someone who smells. She either improves her personal hygiene or she needs to go.

I grew up in chaos and I had similar habits to the gf 20 odd years ago due to my upbringing. An old work manager had a quiet word with me and then after she understood the situation at home would wash my clothes for me. After that chat I made some changes to my shower habits etc. I will say if my mental health is suffering, showering and brushing my hair is the first sign. I would broach it yourself. Yes its an awkward conversation but I really did appreciate that manager talking to me all those years ago.

Sorry, but if she is living in your home then she needs to wash. It's making it unpleasant for everyone else. Stand up for yourself and your other family members, even if it is an uncomfortable conversation.
If someone stinks when living in their own house then that's fair enough, each to their own. but if you're being kind enough to let her stay in your house then she needs to bathe regularly, simple as.

I think a visual scheduled might help, due to the autism. Make it look like its a schedule for the whole family. Maybe Mon Wed and Fri 7.45 am X uses shower for 10 minutes. That kind of thing. Then you could justify calling her to tell her its her slot. Ideally every day but I think start with every other day and then build up. Also the 'rule' is she must wear deodorant, change underwear every day etc.. that one might be harder to implement. The laundry could also be a 'rule'. A set day for washing for her, must be washed at 40 with this detergent because it's a house rule.

This seems unusual. It seems unlikely to be simple laziness.

Can you tell us more about her? If she doesn’t wash her clothes or her body, what about her hair? Does she have a job, and if so, is she able to be organised and efficient in her role?

Might she be autistic where mental overload, or sensory issues, hold her back from washing etc?
https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/knowledge_base/reasons-for-difficulty-with-personal-hygiene/

Trauma? Neglect as a child? Depression?

emirateshospitals.ae/symptoms/decrease-in-self-care-neglecting-hygiene-causes-diagnosis-treatment/

No hinting at all, really clear and straightforward language.
we all need to have a shower or a bath every day. We use soap and a new washcloth every day, and really rub underarms and feet and bottom area.
we change underwear every day and wash other clothes after one or two wears.
you can shower every day at x o clock and use the washing machine on a Sunday.
you need to change your bed sheets once a week and your towel once a week or twice a week if that works better

you can then check if she knows how to separate her wash and show her the program to use.

teaching a 23 year old to adult is hard

Yes you have to chat to her.

In effect you are now her parents. She's just 23 and although you have not said why she is living with you, there is clearly a back story.

I know that's not the main point of your post but at the same time if your son split up with her, what would happen next? I'm always very worried when I read about younger people moving in with a boyfriend because often that relationship doesn't last and the young person has not developed independence to cope on their own.

Does she work? Or go to college? If not , why not , and if she does surely other people notice too?

You need to say to her that you and her have to have a chat about something personal. Say it's not easy for you to bring it up. But that you have noticed she rarely showers when it's normal to do this every day (or more when having a period or doing sport.
Ask her about using anti perspirant, how often clothes need washing etc.

The worst that could happen is she will cry, get annoyed or leave. You are not responsible for her reaction, you can simply tell her what you are noticing, in a kindly manner.

Sometimes autistic people like rules so you could set your 3 adults down and say you are reminding them all of the rules of the house. for the new year. Say l am afraid we are all slipping over the holidays so lets start again. Maybe say : Sarah we see you as one of the family now so l am letting you in on our house rules.
Clean sheets every weekend.
Clean clothes every day..l can wash them.
Showers every day
Clean kitchen etc.
Be very explicit.
Then on Saturdays call out Clean sheets everyone!!
You could also say remember anyone is welcome to have a bath instead of a shower.
Now & then say when your ds is there too ..don't forget our house rules!

Does she work? Or study?

Why can't she change it though? Nothing to suggest this.

NRTFT.

Some neurodiverse people (in fact, quite a lot of people more generally) have a poor sense of snell. Though some have a heightened sense - not in this case it would seem! And some neurodiverse people don't like the feel of water, of washing, of being unclothed etc etc.

As the name tells you, I've got a severely autistic brother. My mother is probably autistic too (undiagnosed). And neither of them is into washing themselves or their clothes. I was made to feel "different" before I left home because I used the shower!!

I am embarrassed to say that a long time ago, before I realised the extent of my brother's problems and his sensory malfunctioning, that I told him quite angrily he couldn't come with me to a restaurant because he smelled. He did, in fact he stank. BUT it seemed to do some good - I don't think he washes all that often still but I no longer detect any BO.

I think you need to be direct with her, OP, but in a kinder way than I was with my sib. Have a woman to woman heart to heart with her. She may genuinely not know that she smells that bad, or that it can mean social death (she got a boyfriend despite it!). You can ask if there's any reason that she's not happy to use the shower, washing machine etc but you need to explain WHY you're asking that, before moving on.

It's going to have to be a shit sandwich:
We love having you here!
Unfortunately we don't love your body odour!
but never mind, have a shower regularly and use the washing machine and problem solved!

(Obviously I'm paraphrasing there! IRL I'd be very much more circumspect and gentle - but you need to be firm enough to get the message across. And remember that if she does have sensory issues around showering, it's probably not reasonable to tell her to do so daily. But if her clothes are clean, a shower most days should be fine).

This is often a symptom of childhood sexual abuse so I would proceed with caution as it could be a very complex situation.

Just sit her down and say you’d like her to shower alternative days and do a twice weekly clothes wash as you’re struggling with the smells in the house. The smells are making you feel ill. A bit of honesty is important, along with telling her she’s very welcome to stay

You do have to say something OP - it would be better if your son could speak to her though. I am very sensitive to smells and would find this really hard.

When I was younger I went into foster care. I hadnt been washing regularly as we were not allowed. I was allowed one bath a week and wasnt really taught about washing etc. I also didnt like showering as it was quite triggering for me to undress and everytime I had a shower I felt scared and panicky. My foster carers would go on at me to have a shower and it didnt make me feel good on top of everything else. I know I needed to shower more byt what I really needed was understanding and reassurance. Instead of them nagging me that I need a shower every day, it would have been really helpful if they had noticed and asked questions. Like: did you shower often at home? What was your routine? Do you not like showering very much? Why is this? How can I help you? I understand.........but you will feel better after youve showered and I promise you are safe. I will help you in any way I can.
Now I was younger. But thats just how I felt.
I think a gentle but honest conversation lead with curiosity and trying to understand and be kind.

I would recommend driclor deodorant from Amazon, its £8 for a roll on so a little pricey depending what you can afford but helps with excessive sweating,
if you can get her to use it after a shower it may help until you can get the bigger problem of not regular washing sorted
Also if you can get some of her clothes separately put a scoop of bicarbonate of soda in washing machine it should help remove any smells from clothing

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