Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

It’s far more complex than that.

I think you might need to be blunt and tell her that she smells and that while she is living in your house you expect her to shower every day and to wash her clothes regularly. Then follow up with regular reminders. You can hint or be explicit that she will have to move if she doesn't comply, and mean it. It may sound harsh but it will be intolerable long term if she doesn't improve her personal hygiene.

I think you’ll be doing her a kindness to sit her down and explain to her the impact, that it’s not socially acceptable and that she needs to shower and wash her clothes regularly.

Offer to wash her clothes so that barrier is removed (although I can’t fathom why your son doesn’t just include her clothes in his laundry).

You’ve taken away the shower gel barrier by providing some - does she actually have enough clothes to change regularly? The period aspect has made me 🤢

Be prepared for a very bad reaction, possibly from your son too, but persevere. This will be very difficult for her in the good old “real world” if her habits persist.

Time for a woman to woman chat. Your son won't raise it with her so you need to.

A daily shower is obligatory, plus a change of shirt & undies every day.

I would tread carefully, I would guess this is a response to something that has happened to her in her childhood which is aggravated by neurodiversity. Telling her she's smelly could make things worse and not better, could your son encourage her to speak to her GP. It sounds like she needs help to unpack why cleanliness is so hard for her.

I would talk to her myself personally. Sometimes you have to be honest.
I've actually had to speak to a colleague before who had terrible body odour (to the extent people wouldn't work with him) and although it was difficult, once it was out in the open and I'd offered support, it was fine. Turns out he didn't use deodorant at all and had uniform that had basically stored the odour despite washing as he'd worn his shirts without deodorant so many times. I ordered him some new uniform and it was better from then on.
Offer to help her with reminders -I have lists on a whiteboard for my autistic DS and he likes that. I'd not mind taking on her laundry if it was helpful to her.

If she has hadn't a good upbringing I think I'd actually take her aside and talk to her kindly about personal hygiene. She obviously needs some serious guidance...it is very very odd that a young woman with a steady boyfriend would be so comfortable with smelling bad. She needs some help and I think you need to take on a motherly role here and help her

This is so lovely to hear! This is the answer. I was feeling really sorry for her. I think the best thing you can do is be as gentle as humanly possible and set in place things like @averychocmentioned above.

I think it is critical that you never make her feel even remotely embarrassed about this as it sounds like it comes from a tough situation which is nothing to do with her being at fault. I admire your son for not making a big deal of this and seeing the person beyond the situation. Good luck. I hope it can be gently resolved, as of course I fully understand it must be really difficult to live with.

I certainly would not go upstairs and say what's that smell! What a way to exclude your son and his Gf

It does need to be tackled tho. Firstly with your son but ultimately you do need to say, gently, to the gf that she needs to shower, etc . If she kicks back you have to kick back too and tell her that's the deal in your home. Maybe she will realise then and appreciate it.

Hopefully, she will realise this is a normal thing and step in line.

I would try doing say a few days or a week where every day you ask her if she needs any washing doing, would she like a ‘slot’ where the washer & dryer are available for her etc, and also ask what time she’d like the bathroom for a bath or shower. Make it like you are trying to do an informal rota type situation or something, but ensure you are mentioning washing clothes and showering every day. If after this period she hasn’t started to get the hint, I think you will need to sit her down and trying a gentle chat about personal hygiene.

You have my every sympathy OP, I can’t imagine anything more awkward!

Not sure their boyfriends’ parents’ homes, where other siblings live too, are the ideal places for them, in that case.
Not every member of the household (never mind guests during the Christmas period) can be guaranteed to tread softly near the fragile person after enduring atrocious impositions for too long.

I think you're going to have to have a woman to woman talk to her. There would be a whole host of reasons why her hygiene is lacking but it needs addressed, not everyone she meets is going to be as understanding as your family. Good luck. It is not easy having to tell someone they smell bad, go gently with her.

I can see why you are trying to be sensitive in managing this but I think it’s time for a bit of kind bluntness. She may even appreciate that if she doesn’t quite get subtlety.

Tell your son that he needs to speak to her or you will. You are happy for her to be there but you need to be able to feel comfortable in your own home and not be worried about her smelling.

It’s awkward but I’ve lived with someone similar and it became unbearable.

Maybe don’t mention the smell to her specifically.

I’d approach it as you’ve noticed she’s not looking after herself by not showering and washing clothes.

Honestly, I think your son also needs to do more. If they’re living in your house, it’s not really good enough for him to shrug it off (and leave the awkwardness to you)!

He’s closest to her, and if they want to stay, he should be talking to her too.

My daughter is 11 and is ND and she cannot smell herself... I have to put her clothes in the wash and tell her she needs a shower (i shower and wash her) she hates having a shower due to her sensory issues and says she hates the feeling of a bath/shower. Sounds like that's the issue.

There’s no need to be “cruel to be kind”, it’s perfectly possible to handle this kindly.

I had a colleague as a teenager, his smell got to be a problem, our manager had to address it. Turns out he’d just never been taught this stuff. He didn’t know he needed to wear deodorant every day, didn’t know that clothes need to be washed even if they’re not visibly dirty. Didn’t know he smelled, presumably because that’s what he was used to at home. Some people just have shit upbringings.

I think you just have to talk to her OP, difficult as that may be. You don’t know whether it’s knowledge, trauma, apathy, and you won’t know until you start that conversation. Better that you talk to her now rather than her not getting a job, losing friends, etc.

I’ve offered to add some of her washing to my load but it’s hit or miss if she gives me something. I have been dropping hints about showers, for example, I’ll mention that there’s still plenty of hot water is she wants a shower - that sort of thing. Nothing seems to work.

Sorry op, think you are gonna have to be the bad guy here.
My d nephew was the same, the stench was awful. I kept on at my ds to have a word but she didnt want to upset him🙄
Other people outside will notice/smell her and be disgusted. I think you would be doing her a kindness in the long run, I know it will be a difficult conversation but you don't have to be nasty, just to the point.
It has to be done
Good luck x

Encourage them both to join a gym with a swimming pool!

Its your sons place. Tell him he must do it otherwise she can't live with you. I would of gifted a fancy bodywash set for Xmas.

I would speak to her yourself.

Go in gently and just say that you’ve noticed she doesn’t shower/bathe often and you’ve also noticed a reoccurring smell with her clothes. Ask her if there’s anything you can do to help her out. (Show her how the shower works, help sort her clothes in to dark/light piles etc) Even though these may seem like obvious things, if she’s not had the best upbringing it might be overwhelming to her or even if she does know, it shows that you’re not judging her and you want to help.

This

My sd was very like this, I could smell if she’d arrived in the house. I used to wash bits from her mums like a coat etc in secret and gave her a set washing machine day. Never managed to crack the showering one she’d go in there, run the shower but come out dry and just as smelly.
there were certain times we insisted she shower and would make her go back in if she was still dry but not often. My dh has been known to heave but her mum doesn’t seem bothered says it’s her decision if she washes or not

I think running her a bath is a lovely thing to do. I'd just start saying things like "I'm going to clean the bathroom at X o'clock so do you both want to get your showers now" etc if that doesn't work maybe be more direct.

I think you should treat her as you would your own child and get her on her own and tell her that there's a problem with her hygiene. Tell her that she needs to have a shower every day and change her underwear every day and put her clothes for the wash.

I couldn't cope with the smell andwould have to say something.