Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

You are very kind to let her stay in your home. You are not being unreasonable to expect her to keep herself and her clothes clean while she lives with you. It is affecting the whole family apart from your son who doesn't seem bothered.

Do you know whether she has previously been abused in any way? Sometimes people who are being abused or who are survivors of abuse will use the lack of personal hygiene to protect themselves and discourage the abuse.

I presume that there is a reason why she isn't living with her own parents and it may be the cause of her failure to wash and keep herself clean.

Its not cruel at all. Its factual. In this house we wash every day, please follow this routine otherwise its unpleasant for othr people

What I dont understand is how can it be that strong given she has only been with you a month and has had a couple of showers in that time and had some of her clothes washed?

I get she smells but so much so that the room smells?

We do have this at work in our client group at times but thats over months and months and month of self neglect.

She might have difficulty with routine. Most of us wash our clothes and shower etc as part of an unthinking routine but some people never develop that for various reasons - upbringing, neurodiversity, discomfort etc, which is why some people have literal tick lists for basic daily hygiene tasks.

She might be aware or might not be aware but ultimately if nobody has ever really told her I'd would err on the side of her being unaware and just used to herself. Whatever the reason, she needs help with understanding the hygiene routines. Framing it as self-care and blocking off time when she has sole use of the bathroom might help as she could set it as a reminder on her phone. It might seem extreme but it might also help.

IF ( huge IF because you shouldn’t assume) she is autistic hints and mentioning you are doing the washing etc probably wont make a difference. People with autism can struggle with hints and picking up on social clues.

You need to have a direct conversation with her about the need to wash/bathe and wash clothes regularly.

Does your son not find his gf unpleasant and smelly considering he showers everyday?

‘Hi Jane, we noticed you don’t seem to be comfortable using the facilities and we want you to feel at home, is there anything we can do to help?’ and lead the conversation from there. If she says no, then just say ‘oh right, it’s just that we’ve noticed a smell and wanted to make sure you’re okay?’

She might feel a bit awkward, but it’s polite and non shaming. Something needs saying.

Just because she’s used the shower a couple of times before, it doesn’t mean she’s comfortable with it, she may have felt pressure and only used it when she felt absolutely necessary.

How about a rota to do washing, so hey DS and DG you two can do your washing on... and we will do ours ...

@guineaguineaguineapig I cannot believe he’s not bothered!

Depends on the context. Some odours from an attractive woman are attractive.

If she’s autistic she might need something unscented. I’m autistic and dove sensitive (non fragranced) bar soap is really good for getting rid of body odour along with dove unscented antiperspirant. Is your bathroom cold? Make sure it’s nice and warm in there and yes maybe a bath is better for her. Sometimes I can feel the cold air whilst having a shower so I rather have a bath. Make sure the floor is warm or has warm towels to walk on. It could also be that she doesn’t like the feeling of being clean which I suffer from myself. It’s really hard cause I feel more more myself or primal when I don’t shower but I understand we have to. It could also be procrastination

I think the idea @averychoc has outlined is a good one to try - you could couch it in terms of "New year, new routine!" At least if her clothes are clean it won't be quite so bad.

She may not be washing thoroughly , or only washing her body and not hair etc. Or washing clothes on the wrong temperature… It’s easy to become nose blind too so her BF may not notice it , but OP will as it will be obvious that the smell isn’t in the entire house.

I had the misfortune of sitting behind someone in the cinema recently who clearly hadn’t washed their hair in a while. The stench was awful and I had to cover my nose. I’ll admit I didnt think that maybe they had any sensory issues etc..I was just repulsed.

I meant in the sense of telling her.
op will know which way is best for her

Autistic people here. My son is like this about wearing deodorant although not about showering. My daughter is like this about showering but not about deodorant. It's okay for people to choose but not if it's impacting the people who are sharing the space. If this was the only factor I would actually sit down with her and explain how it's impacting you and ask what changes there could be. However this is not the only factor. I would say that a conversation is still possible and preferable as the trauma we have experienced also impacts others. I am not talking about the kind of conversation that presents ultimatums. I am talking about the ones we're we inch along trying to find connections and understanding

It will be really awkward, but if she is young and you are a sort of parental figure to her (depends on your relationship obviously) I think it would actually be less upsetting for her to hear it from you than it would from your DS who is her romantic partner.
Maybe seek some advice about how to address it with the assumption there is ND there.
Maybe sit her down and say that you have noticed she doesn't shower often, in your family you have a x times a week shower routine. If she is struggling to manage it then setting certain days or routines might be helpful.
As far as the clothes go, they will all need thoroughly cleaning at the same time. But I feel your DS could help more here, if he is putting his own washing on then he can just scoop hers up and add it to the load? Or if she leaves clothing like hoodies lying around the common areas then don't ask, just shove them in.

Honestly though, struggling with personal hygiene is a classic ND trait. It's not a lack of desire to be clean usually, but the mental energy to organise yourself into the shower, and the sensory ick of being cold and wet after.

Just to add, it is lovely that you are prepared to support them both by living with you, it sounds like she hasn't had a lot of support in her life.

You need to tell her as gently and clearly as possible. We had a friend of a family stay with us she was in her late teens, while her mother was abroad for a month sorting out her parents property as they had died.

Not only did the daughter not wash, her clothes or herself but she didn’t have much in the way of period supplies(we didn’t know). My mum sat her down in private and got her to wash regularly and provided her with sanitary essentials. Then when her friend got back she had a serious talk to her too about leaving her daughter without the basics at 15. Including enough sanitary products and lunch money!

OP, you sounds very kind. If she is ND, subtly won’t help. I think sit her, and your two kids down and run over some ground rules for living in the house. Eg. Leave the kitchen clean, bedding changes each week, clean underwear daily and daily washing. You’re going to have to spell it out to her. Doing it with the others will make it less difficult. I do work similar to this so DM if that helps.

Either sit her down and explain it very plainly to her or tell your son that you expect him to be washing her clothes and that she will not be invited anywhere or be given lifts unless she starts showering daily and taking care of her personal hygiene

I think you should talk to her about it.
It's going to be really awkward and not a nice thing to do but in the long run it will be good for her because smelling unpleasant has repercussions, especially at work.
I was brought up only having one shower a week (we didn't have enough money to be showering all the time) and my mother wouldn't let me have deodorant (told me it would give me breast cancer) and I know that I didn't smell nice. It took me a long time to get into a proper routine of showering, wearing deodorant and washing clothes enough. I was well into the university years before it really clicked that I needed to be much more careful with my personal hygiene. I wish someone had sat down with me and spoken to me about it and told me what I needed to be doing.

It is repulsive.

You could sit them down together rather than singling her out. Maybe you could buy a washing basket and say you will get their washing done on a certain day for them. I would be tempted to say you don’t think they are washing their clothes enough as their room is smelling a bit musty. Doesn’t sound like you are saying she specifically smells. I agree with others about a rota for the shower. Might get to the point where you will have to say oh it’s your slot for the shower now!

Thank you. That’s given me something to think about.

You are going to have to say something to her or else live with the smell. Tell her it bothers you and can you come up with a solution together. Does she work?

I would ask her to leave but I am not a very kind person.

I’d tell her, you could sit her down and explain how you love having her to stay but you are sensitive to smells and it would be really helpful if she could wash everyday and wear clean clothes….

I couldn’t live with someone who smelled bad.

It's probably autism, I would get DS a deodorant like Trust and ask him to share it with her, you put it on and it lasts several days. DS uses it as he is autistic and hates showering, she may have an aversion to the feeling of deodorant as well though.

Do they have a laundry basket for clothes, maybe if she puts things in there you could wash them for her if you don't mind doing that.

I would be very careful not to humiliate her, maybe sit you son done as well as say you'd like them both to do x,y and z. Tell your son beforehand so he knows it's really for gf's benefit so he will go along with it. If you're talking to both of them rather than singling her out it will be much gentler.