Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

That is so lovely. I have ADHD and I hate showering. But I can sit in a shallow bath every day and keep fresh that way. I have spoken to other ADHD people and they don’t like showers either. It’s too noisy and splashy and jarring. You’re being so lovely to her. She’s lucky to have you xx

Well done! You have made a major contribution to her ongoing wellbeing

What a beautiful update / so so kind ❤️

I literally understand what youre going through! My Partner's mum lived here with us after lockdown, and she would agree to shower only once every 3-6 weeks
Honestly it got so bad my children and I had to wear masks as the stench was so bad but my partner kept insisting he couldn't smell anything!🙄. She's moved out in her own bungalow and refuses for carers to wash her. She still smells badly and I refuse to go to her house!

For the record, youre not being unreasonable, so sorry you're going through that.

Interesting post. A friend of mine is an officer in the army and he recounts how many of the new recruits, often from difficult backgrounds, quite literally dont know how to look after themselves. They have to show them how to brush their teeth, shower properly (not just getting wet but actually washing their arse, under the foreskin etc), its completely alien to them, they have come from environments where laundry and hygiene are optional.

You sound so kind and handled that so well. All the best for the future and your support will mean so much to her and her quality of life going forward. Maybe consider menstrual care if hasn’t already come up naturally as she may not have been well supported in the past about this too xx

You sound lovely op! Happy New Year xx

Well done OP - this young woman is very lucky to have you in her corner & am so pleased she was receptive & grateful to you for your help. Sounds like a great relationship is forming that will be so beneficial for her & her development.

That's great news. I'm glad you were brave enough time have a frank conversation with her and that it went well. I was going to reply earlier but didn't have time until now. So, apologies if this comment is now out of date.
When I was a teenager I went to visit my French exchange partner, and, like your son's girlfriend, didn't shower (at first) and wanted to explain why, in case it helps your situation.
For the first few days the mum of the family asked me in the evening if of would like a shower and I replied " no thank you". She also asked me if I would like her to wash any of my clothes and I replied "no thank you". I took these offers at face value and had no idea that she might have wanted me to say " yes please". On the 4th day she didn't ask. She told me straight "it's time for you to have a shower now" and handed me a towel and ushered me to the bathroom. I said "ok" and had a shower. She also told me to give her the clothes I has worn so she could wash them. So I did. Only in retrospect do I now realise I must have smelled and that she had wanted me to shower and wash my clothes on the previous days too.
When thinking about why I had turned down her previous offers, there are several reasons. One is that I hadn't realised there was a right and wrong answer to the question. I was oblivious to her hint.
The other was family habits. At home we all got up and had a shower before getting dressed and having breakfast. At their family they had breakfast as soon as they woke. It didn't occur to ask if I could shower before breakfast because they were already preparing my breakfast as soon as I got out of bed. Their family had their showers in the evening which felt strange to me, so when they asked if I wanted a shower I didn't fancy one as I wasn't used to having a shower at that time. Finding a time that suits her and making it a regular habit at that time will mean that after a while the habit should get ingrained.
For the clothes, I was in the habit at home of putting my clothes in the washing basket when I got undressed, but on holiday we put our clothes in the suitcase to wash once back home. So, that's what I did on the exchange trip. Perhaps you could put a washing basket in her room and give clear instructions that, when she gets undressed, that's where her pants, socks and T-shirt should go at the end of every day, you could get her in that habit too.
Good luck!

Treating her skin like a hospital floor that needs decontaminating isn’t really what’s needed and could harm her.

So glad the chat went well and reasons why she hasn’t been so good with hygiene

we learn from our parents. Usually so it’s a shame she didn’t have that guidance but lovely tha she has now via you @guineaguineaguineapig

This stuff is good. I swore by this when DD couldn’t shower with a fracture. She could freshen up her armpits on the days she doesn’t shower and some Mitchum deodorant.

This stuff is good. I swore by this when DD couldn’t shower with a fracture. She could freshen up her armpits on the days she doesn’t shower and some Mitchum

@MNHQ can we have some sort of OP of the year award please? We all love OP!

You're a lovely person OP. You can't change the world but you've changed that young woman's world by being understanding and supportive ❤️

OP of the year is @guineaguineaguineapig , for being a kind, caring, tactful, helpful, gentle, understanding confidante to her son's girlfriend, who needed motherly guidance and loving advice to develop into an independent and capable young lady 🏆

Apologies as I haven’t read the whole thread, but I can categorically say that this isn’t necessarily down to neglect or ‘bad upbringing’. My DD17 (Aut diagnosis) really struggles with change of clothes/bedding. She puts deodorant on AFTER she starts to smell and wears the same clothes in bed and all day for days. I have tried everything, since early puberty; different toothbrushes/deodorants/shower gels/bath bombs/supervision/persuasion etc etc to no avail. It’s very hard for them with so much other noise in their heads.

I am glad you spoke to her. My DD’s both struggle with showers, we don’t have one at home (just a bath). When dd went to uni she had to get used to showering which took a while, I had to constantly message her to remind her (she has ADHD and Autism), now she’s back home I constantly have to remind her to bath and remind her to brush her teeth. As a ND household we all struggle with clean and dirty clothes, mainly because they get mixed up it dd1 will wear the same clothes all week unless I grab them from her room to wash them. Dd2 is the opposite and will change her clothes 3 times a day but will hide dirty clothes under her bed or behind the door, so i have to remind her once a week to bring dirty washing down.

My son will either have 3 baths a day (if i let him!), or i have to ask him 20 times to have a bath, cos he’s ‘ok’, he tells me.

That’s beautifully put.

Amen to that.

Bless you OP. What a lovely outcome. I have a AuDHD DD16. She hates spray on deodorant as it’s a sensory thing, solid deodorant (pit stick) is best.

With the clothes washing can you just body double the first couple of times? She will soon learn. (My Dd finds
some tasks overwhelming so sitting with her with gentle instructions helps)

Yes, that’s definitely the case with my adopted DD1 (16), who has probable FASD (she has traits of autism and ADHD) and epilepsy. She really struggles with hygiene.

My DB is very similar too, and he’s recently been diagnosed as autistic, though I suspect that he also has cPTSD, like my DSis and me. He mixes up clean and dirty washing like the OP’s DS’s girlfriend.

That was a lovely outcome for the girlfriend and the family.

Well done, OP - just read your update. That didn’t sound like an easy situation to navigate and you have been tremendously sensitive and caring ❤️

She said she will need pushing to do it and has given me permission to remind her and encourage her.

this is great news that she’s asked for help. One thing I noticed with my niece is if she was told 'go upstairs, brush your teeth, comb your hair then put your shoes on' she would have a melt down

if she was asked to do one step at a time she could handle the ask and the encouragements. Hopefully this might help