AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

The only part that is unreasonable is having them more than the other grandkids. They deserve the same quality of relationship that you clearly are willing to invest with your other grandchild.

Personally my parents have always supported us as we need at any given time based on our life circumstances. Same with my MIL. Support comes in lots of forms.

We do the same with our kids.

I honestly believe if you can’t afford to help all in the same way, you shouldn’t help any of them. I think it just breeds animosity.

Sorry yes, I think YABU, unless you plan to redress the imbalance with the allocation of any inheritance. If you are effectively giving DC3 a share of their inheritance early, and the others will get a greater portion of your estate later on, then fair enough, but I’d suggest everyone is made aware of your plans. Otherwise you are effectively penalising the other two DC for better luck / better life choices and I don’t think that is ok

I have 3 children and would do exactly as you are doing . When they were young adults with young families I helped all of them. I never worried about money and time being even. I gave what was needed at the time. I have no idea if any of them has had more than another. I got pilloried for that on the other thread.

I am lucky enough to have raise three children who are really close. None of them would be interested in what the other is getting. They absolutely would not begrudge a poorer sibling getting more help.

Your struggling daughter needs to claim child support from the absent father. He gets to choose whether he sees his child but not whether he support him/her. You can then take a step back.

Only if you have heartless greedy children.

Did you parent like this out of interest? And also have you had a conversation with your child who is harbouring resentment. From ur post u appear to have everything sorts in ur head regardless of how ur other children feel about it and that’s a bit shit.

Dh’s parents did this - paid for dh’s brother’s car (newer than ours) and his council tax for 2 years. It caused resentment. They had a perception we earned far better than we did when in reality we were just better at managing money. We were doing well in our professions but it’s a low paid sector even post grad. I don’t think dh will ever be as close and dbil doesn’t even appreciate the help he had.

I think it’s important to treat all dc equally and any additional money should be a loan. Imagine writing a will and giving uneven amounts and how hurt they will be? You’re doing that while you’re all still living. We all make decisions that come with consequences. I’d support dc to get on their feet but not long term.

Totally depends on some factors you haven't stated. How old is the grandchild. How many hours does mum work? Does she get child maintenance from the dad, if so how much? Does she claim benefits?

Some single mums are much better off than their family or friends imagine them to be. Others are genuinely left without an extra pound after all their essentials are paid for.

Sorry but YABU. My parents help my single parent brother every week with the school runs and at weekends if he is on the rota for work. They have always done this as they feel he needs more help as a single parent. I feel this has led to my niece being controlling of my parents and seeing them as 'hers' and particularly when little she would block my children from getting near my mum (sitting on her lap, needing her attention). My mum I know felt torn over this but it still makes me feel frustrated that my niece will always be number 1.
Also financially I do feel some resentment as while they have provided free childcare to my brother, they haven't offered this to myself or suggested contributing to our childcare fees (with the excuse that there are two adults in our household). On the occasions I have asked for her to look after the children so both my husband and I can go out it has always been the case of having to work around my brother and checking if he is free first.
I think you need to be more fair in how you treat them all.

I think it's great that youre being open about it.

I can see where you're coming from. I think what needs to be equal are things like Christmas and birthday presents and TIME. Spending equal time as far as possible with your children and grandchildren.

It may be better to make a general contribution to your single daughter's income (xx per month and she then budgets) rather than paying for specific things like a holiday.

And be prepared to flex if your other children's situation changes. They may not always be securely employed and or in stable relationships.

My parents help my sibling significantly more than me both financially, practically and emotionally. They have a more difficult life circumstances which is largely (but not totally) due to bad luck.

I don’t resent them for this and I’m not jealous. But my parents and siblings have never hidden it - it isn’t a secret. I actually find the lack of emotional/practical support, particularly for their grandchild to be the trickier bit.

There are consequences though which, particularly my mum, sometimes struggle with. I am very independent and I make choices that prioritise my nuclear family. This sometimes means they see less of us/I am less available to help than they might prefer. We generally have a more distant relationship, which I am broadly comfortable with.

You have chosen to prioritise your relationship with one child as an adult, which is your choice. But don’t be surprised if your other children decide to deprioritise the relationship with you as a result.

Yes yabu. Especially the part where you have this grandchild more than the others.
All of your children should get equal opportunity for some child-free time/your grandchildren should have an equal chance at a relationship with you.

What would happen if your other children became single parents too? Would you step up for them and withdraw support from the current one?

I don’t think what you are doing is unreasonable. I think the other thread is totally different. The parents there seem to be topping up the yoga daughter there so she matches her siblings lifestyle. There is no acknowledgment by the parents that they are also giving her a much better work life balance.
I think as much as possible time should be equally shared between siblings , eg babysitting etc but money can be directed at a single sibling if they have fallen on hard times.
my children know that we are leaving a larger proportion in our will to the one who has learning disability and they understand the reasoning behind that. But then we have funded them through uni and will also fund postgrad so that hopefully they will get a well paid job and in less need of inheritance

This makes sense to me.

My sister is the single parent who got childcare for the entirety of the school holidays and before and after school. They bought a house which she pays nominal rent on. Their second car lives at my sisters house.

I understand why. I do think my sister and nephew and nieces (both adult) are fleecing them now but that was not the case initially.

I am hoping my sister remembers all this when it's time to care for them - I think she will.

I'd probably have felt differently if we had more oversight of their lives and had been less financially comfortable or had struggled for childcare.

Entirely agree with this! If you are right and the others are better off financially (rather than just better at working with what they have!) they quite possibly still would like an evening out/night away sometimes.

No. I'd do the same as I'm a believer in from each according to their means to each according to their needs. And sometimes equality is about levelling the playing field for equally hardworking people who've had bad luck.
I think the differences between what you're doing and the other thread are that the OPs sibling has chosen the path that has financially disadvantaged them; that the parents didn't help the OP when she needed it; and the secrecy around it all that's left the OP unsure why, and hurt by, being treated differently.

You’re creating a rift between siblings, and when you die your 3rd child will not have siblings to lean on because of the resentment caused.

It’s not the monetary value of the help, it’s the emotional side. Prioritising one grandchild and looking after them more than the others will absolutely cause your children to resent your 3rd child. You should offer the same emotional bond to all grandchildren or none.

This gets my back up. At the very least you can be giving your other grandchildren the same time with you. At the most in your will you should give the other children a percentage more to reflect how much extra u give dc3 right now. This is so unfair on all levels. Dc3 has no incentive to get a better job. She is reliant on you. Good for her for not frittering money away on drinking and smoking but sounds
like she needs to be putting this time to good use and retrain for another job while u can be so generous and supportive. The other child is rightly jealous. If she suddenly stopped working or couldn’t work would you give the same then. This is how families break, ur other grandchildren will notice the favourite. That is how they will see it. Gross behaviour. It’s no that child’s fault that dads family is in the picture but nor is it the other grandchildren’s fault either. I think you are being extremely unreasonable and if you can’t see this it shows really your priorities are not in the best interests of ALL your family.

I think it’s pretty shit to be honest. Fair enough to provide financial support and childcare for a defined period to help one of your kids improve their lot or get back on their feet, but to indefinitely give one child more money and time (obviously barring something like disability) is unfair and I’m not surprised one of your kids is annoyed about it.

I think YABU
it is unfair especially with the time spent with the grandchildren
it will lead to resentment
holidays aren’t a right - when we couldn’t afford a holida we didn’t go on one
why can’t your child who is in low paid work look at trying to improve that? Does she stay stuck forever? She needs to pursue the father for financial help
what happens when you can no longer afford to supplement?

fuck that, the others need to open their eyes and show compassion on the situation being different from their own.

The difference between your situation and the other thread is lifestyle. In that situation the daughter being given financial help was in a two-income household where they’d chosen more easy-going jobs and because of the financial top up were essentially enjoying an even better lifestyle than the op because they got the chill work/life balance AND the income that goes with more stressful jobs because of the significant extra income from parents.

In your situation there is the difference of your daughter being a single income household, plus she is working hard full time. Yanbu and the two situations aren’t comparable.

Have you considered offering evening babysitting to your DC that you currently don’t financially assist? Both to build a more equal relationship with you GC from those DC and to save them money/contribute towards their lives in other ways?

I was always financially independent, where my sibling needed more assistance (for valid reasons), but I would have loved to be able to go out with my DH more, or away for the weekend etc, to reconnect and get a break, but overnight babysitters were hard to come by/prohibitively expensive.

If you, &/or the sibling receiving financial assistance offered support in that way, you could even out the “giving” and potentially prevent any feeling of mistreatment/favouritism.