AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

you create equality when you raise them. You give them the same access to schools, educations, clubs, activities. You help in area they need help (one struggling in Maths, the other in English kind of things)

When you decide to subsidise one, and spend more time with their child on top of it, you play favourite. Simple. Bit weird to have favourite but that's your right.

(unless serious medical issue, obviously)

My parents have helped us both equally to a point however my sibling became very mentally unwell requiring to be sectioned. They then helped him with getting his mortage and now does a lot better than me. (He just hoards his money & refuses to spend other than his bills.)
I don’t begrudge it. So crack on op, your doing a good thing.

I personally won’t treat my adult daughters differently. We help both equally as otherwise it breeds resentment. One is financially secure but single, no kids. The other is married with two SEN children which has affected their earning power. What is lovely is our single daughter has also sometimes helped her sister or asked us to direct spare income to her. We pay for holidays for all of them.

I think in your circumstances it will breed resentment to treat your third child differently.

The thread you have mentioned in your OP is a totally different scenario from yours for several reasons

1. All your children are aware of the extra things you are gifting your low income child. The OP in the other thread only found out by accident and it’s been happening for 10-15 years.
2. The money gifted in the other post wasn’t on essentials/child’s needs, it was gifted so the sibling could have a similar lifestyle to their sibling ie go on holidays and work in a job that was their vocation rather than something they had to do and they weren’t a lone parent.

I’m guessing your child didn’t choose to be a single parent and is working the hours that fit in around her child.
If you’re buying clothes for your Grandchild then personally I think you should be doing similar for your other grandchildren but it’s totally understandable you would help your daughter with essential bills as she has one income and no other means of support.

Parenting is based in equity not equality. People often tend to forget that they're not the same

I disagree with you. Whilst parents shouldn't interfere in their children's life they should offer guidance. Let them know if their partner is a loser, explain the importance of self sufficiency, live within their means and have a plan B.

If despite all this, youchild d continues making bad choices at least they do it knowingly and the onus is on them to sort it out. I.e not think parents are a safety net no matter what they do.

Sounds fair to me OP. Your daughter is a single parent who has no partner or in-laws to help. If one of my children was struggling and the other was fine, I would of course help the one that needed help. It makes sense.

Well if only one person understands it and the rest of the world gets it wrong its kind of clear the communication issue is at your end.

What causes resentment is not necessarily the discrepancy in support, but what it says about the relationships in the family. I have seen this in some families where one child is seen as being more in need than the others and that has been a pattern that has been set since childhood. It becomes self-perpetuating and the child is stuck in that role. Certainly some children do need more help than others, but if I were you I would honestly consider the following:

• has this child always been the one that needs most help?
• are you supporting her forever? When will she be in a position to support herself?
• if the others needed help, can you honestly say you would notice and step up?
• have you listened to the jealous sibling with an open mind?

The big risk here if you mismanage the situation is that you trash the relationships between the siblings forever.

YANBU

As a parent you meet each child’s individual needs based on their circumstances at that time in their lives.

Should circumstances change for any of your children in the future then you adapt.

@VIOLETPUGH

The only person at the moment who has understood my post fully when it comes to the childcare.

My parents used to prioritise my brothers DC because his wife didn’t speak to her own parents & my Dads argument was that my in laws helped us so they didn’t feel as if they needed to be as involved. So I was at the mercy of brother and SIL as to when I could actually see my own parents. That did used to get me down.

Now my Mum needs help my SIL won’t help my Mum & doesn’t even bother to text her to check in on how she is. But I’m the one who goes to stay & help.

Are you sure your Daughter is worse off financially? Universal credit usually helps out in the absence of the father.

Yes, this absolutely explains it.

OP - you can do it, it’s your decision… but it’s not going to be consequence free.

It’s also very niave of you to think that your other two kids don’t need your help, everyone has different needs… my siblings needs are more “obvious” to my parents, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t bave appiciated more of their support over the years (starting right from childhood really). I am completely aware of the financial and support discrepancy, it’s actually the support that’s always been a bigger issue to me, so you are absolutely in the wrong there. The conquence is that I have grown up to be independent of them and do have an ok but completely different relationship with them (particularly my Mum) than my siblings - I now prioritise my own nuclear family, actually have no contact at all with one of my siblings (which Mum finds upsetting but is one of the conceqences of her actions), and due to the lack of ties to them I live far away so won’t be around to help them day to day as they age.

If you are happy to accept the consequences, then carry on.

The money and time are two separate issues. The money wouldn’t bother me but spending more time with one grandchild over another does. MIL does this and my dc have grown up knowing they are second best to her. It has massively damaged her relationship with them. For me it hurts massively.

My dad has plenty of money. I am one child of five, and the one who doesn’t need bailouts. I don’t resent him helping out the others, I know he would do it for me if I needed it. It’s not going to be reflected in his will as he’s already been clear everything is going to his second wife (who is a lot younger than him but isn’t capable of independent living so it will likely all be spent on care). His money, his choice. So many families fall out over inherited money, I’d rather make my own way and not worry about it!

Your situation is different to the other thread in that presumably you aren’t supporting your single daughter more than her married siblings in secret. She is also hard working and has no other support. In the other thread the sister and her husband being supported was able to have a much better work life balance than the OP and her husband who worked high pressure jobs to be able to afford holidays etc. so not exactly the same situation. Why does your married child who is jealous have an issue with you helping their sister more when presumably they have two sets of grandparents for their children?

I have lots of siblings, some have special needs. We have all gotten help both practical and financial from our parents, we all know that we can ask for support if needed. I don't mind that others might get more money and favours than I do, what I would mind is if I felt there was a difference in care and interest. Particularly when it comes to children, I wouldn't want my child to feel unwelcome and less loved than their cousins. Your grandchildren are probably well aware of who the favourites are and that's something you may want to address.

I would also say, are you sure that you are not inadvertently ‘rewarding’ poor decisions by your daughter and penalising your other children for being sensible?

TBH I think you are being a bit unreasonable, yes. Absolutely agree that you should help out the single parent where you can, but you do seem to have unilaterally decided that your other children don’t need your help. You don’t necessarily know the extent of how much they are struggling to hold things together, and if you’re aware of a bit of jealousy there is probably a lot more resentment that they are keeping from you. You might not be able to offer all your children the same in terms of time / childcare/ financial support, but I would hope that you are offering all of them something.

The other thread was different - one of the families was making sacrifices in terms of time and family to make enough money to support their family, while the sibling chose to work far less and expected the grandparents to top up the finances.

In our family, my siblings have had far more support than me, both financially and in terms of childcare- this is due to geographical proximity and unfortunate circumstances. I don’t resent my siblings because I’m aware that I’m fortunate in having a spouse with a well paid job . However, due to distance, I won’t be in a position to offer much hands-on care to my parents as and when they need it. DH and I are the only support our children will have, so they will be our priority.

You need to be realistic about the amount of help you can expect from your family in future. Your single-parent child will have her hands full with her children, and your other children will have to keep working hard as they are bringing up their families independently.

You are very wrong. We treat our children equally , they have chosen different paths and there is a huge disparity in earnings but they are adults and have made their own choices. Your poor other children, you have made them feel less valued and less loved. The single parent has made their own choices, you should not be prioritising her over the others. You are very cruel and unkind.

Situations change.

What happens if one sibling (the one that received nothing) needs help when you are no longer around or the money has run out?

The part that is most unreasonable is you giving that grandchild more of your time.

Also... it does get difficult when people choose low paid work. Presumably if she's willing to keep doing it despite the low pay, there are other things about it which she values (low stress? Part time or flexible hours? Fulfilling/enjoyable?)

It can feel really unfair to siblings who make the sacrifice to choose better paid work, often at the expense of their mental health/time with their kids/enjoyment of work.... then their sibling chooses the lower paid/lower stress/more fulfilling job & gets made whole financially anyway.

You are shielding her from the consequences of her own life choices. What will she do when you aren't around any more? You would be better off supporting her to improve her earning potential and stand on her own two feet.

Well you’ve said you’re not going to change a thing, you just want to know if you’re being unreasonable.

Heating bills, clothing like winter coats and school shoes, the odd day out, a short holiday here and there: no I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. All this is for your GDC, and they’re basic things s/he needs and that loving grandparents would do for their grandchild anyway.

Two weeks AI in Spain, day trip to Alton Towers, designer trainers and North Face jacket, day trip to London: not reasonable if not offered to the other grandchildren.

I think the main point is transparency (which was my point on the other thread). Also, in this case, your DD needs to make efforts to stand in her own two feet. If she’s freeloading and making no efforts she is taking advantage and you’re letting her at the others’ expense. If she expects all the privileges of mummy and daddy’s benevolence, then she also has to accept the responsibilities too (if and when the time comes, such as they will be). In concrete terms that can be being open with the other two about the fact that you know she’s getting more from you than they are, you’re not happy about it but you’re doing it for the reasons you’ve stated and that’s your choice as a parent which they have no say in. But the conversation is crucial.

Ultimately, all these things about parity and wills and inheritance and financial support, come down to the same thing: do my parents love and consider me equally to my siblings. Giving money is just one way of showing that. Bring open, fair minded, clear about difficult choices, showing respect and understanding for each child’s position: these all go a long way towards ensuring parity.

Poor decisions? Being a single parent isn't something lots of us choose. Sometimes leaving the relationship is a better choice than staying in it which could be seen as a poor choice. My siblings are both really well off but funnily enough by marriage not because they have a better education or a better job. It is tough when you have a one income house. Do you think a good choice would be staying in an abusive relationship?

It is fine to help one child out but the same money should be given to the others. Why should they be penalised for getting their shit together, being in a stable relationship and getting good jobs.

I'm not sure what you're disagreeing with as none of this precludes any support.