AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

it was already said that severe medical issues was the only completely acceptable reason to give everything you could to help out.

Absolutely not, they started with nothing, worked hard and saved hard all their life. They weren’t frugal but always made sure they saved and we had a good home.

The keywords, worked hard and saved.

Too many people expect something for nothing now.

They’ve done well when they can afford to support 3 adults and maintain a nice retirement. I’d be worried my parents were not spending enough on themselves.

As the better off sibling I’d be happy if people could help my sister. I don’t have the funds to help her myself but would if I could and if we had family who could help her I’d be glad of it.

Likewise DH’s brother is in a more precarious position and I’m sure PIL assist and DH has zero issues.

As the better of sibling dh encouraged his mother to help his sister after her divorce. His sister had asked us but wouldn’t ask her mother.

The people who think it’s fine very likely come from reasonably straightforward families in which there haven’t been longstanding favouritism issues. In a happy family where everyone gets on, no reasonable person would have a problem with mum helping a daughter who is struggling financially. But it could be a problem if that daughter has always been the favourite, or if the support goes above the essentials, or if the support goes on for a long time and results in a closer relationship with that child, or if another child needs help and there is nothing left. It is not entitled or greedy to be hurt by parental favouritism. It’s actually completely natural.

Fair is everyone getting what they need not everyone getting the same. One child needs more.

I think this is why most people have focussed on the much more time the OP spends with one grandchild over the others. Because that isn't really a "need" at all. Especially as the OP works full time so she isn't doing childcare so her DD can work. She's spending more time with one grandchild than the other which will come across as just plain favouritism.

(Because that is likely what it is. I stick with my earlier guess that her other children are sons and she would always have found a way to favour her DD and her DD's children as that is such a common dynamic)

I also don't think the holidays and days out she pays for are 'need' either

I, personally, don't think you're doing anything wrong. My parents treat my sister and I equally with money. They are selling up in an expensive area and downsizing. I constantly tell them of they want to help my sister with some extra money then please do as she is just starting a family with her partner and lives in a 1 bed.
They keep telling me they won't, and want to treat us equally but I really wouldn't mind!
My parents have always been pretty generous to us both so we are lucky anyway.

That totally depends on the people.

If my parents decided to give money to my brother (who is currently unemployed through no fault of his own) then a) I don't consider it my business and b) if they did tell me, I would consider it a good thing.

For context, I earn under £30k pa, so I'm not exactly wealthy myself.

From her point of veiw the child who is a single parent needs more support. The only time a single parent gets a break is when someone else takes the child. The other kids have partners who can give them a break.

My parents have always treated us equally. When they gave my brother the deposit for his house I got the same which I left in savings for 10 years until I met DH and put it into our house. There was once his dog was ill and I told mum & dad that I didn’t want anything as I knew they’d do halves so they could give it all to my brother however it came back round when I got married they gave us the same amount they’d given towards the dog. My brother and I have a great relationship and no animosity because we’ve been treated equally.

Yes my Dad does with larger sums of money. With smaller amounts he doesn’t but they still ensure things are reasonably fair. I stop with them 3 nights a week and they feed me so whenever they see my brother and his family they’re always taking treats over

Ultimately it is your money and you can do what it wants. You made it quite clear in your op that your dd isn't being feckless but you see it quite clearly as she is more deserving of finacial help due to low income and lack of a partner.

In reality I'm one of 3 kids and my mum does this with one of my siblings. I'm not interested in how she spends her money but it does irk me that she considers nephews above any other grandchildren.

If you intend to carry on as you are and are oblivious to any resentment then I'm not too sure on the point of your post?

You are not being unreasonable to help out the kid who has less. But you have to accept that this might come with resentment from the other children. I agree with PP that you should also be having the other grandchildren regularly and making sure you build that relationship though. And ignore comments about giving one child their inheritance early abd others missing out - you are alive and this is your money! Any money left after you are no longer here is a bonus not a promise!

A perceived need might not actually be one. We have a family member who ‘needed’ serious dental work done so her DM gave her the money to go to the dentist.

what she didn’t tell her mother though was about the new to her fairly recent model motorbike sitting at home. She had other vehicles so it wasn’t a necessary purchase, just a want.

her DM didn’t know this at the time. Other siblings did and told her after the fact. That’s how resentment festers.

by all means treat them equally, and if the siblings want to pitch in with their share too, then thats great. They have made an informed choice to do so and the parents have treated their offspring the same.