AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

Jealousy and resentment come to the same thing.

YANBU
It is so hard being a single parent with no other support. I think your other children should appreciate how much easier it must be for them - double income and parental input.

I think this sort of attitude is a bit dodgy. It'd be one thing if the DD were too lazy to work, or if she were deliberately chosing not to earn much (which is the situation in the other thread discussed).

I don't think it is fair to blame someone if their partner turns out not to be a decent person. That isn't the sort of thing you can predict in life, sadly.

I think it is extremely difficult to know how to be fair with time and money. There will always be some unfairness, however hard you try.

The only right thing to do in this situation is to listen to the child who feels jealous and try to make them feel heard (and I'd probably check in on the child who hasn't expressed any sense of jealousy too, just in case). It might not be that the OP needs to do a dramatic shift and give all three children exactly the same; it might just be a slight shifting in priorities, mightn't it?

Financially helping your 3rd child out is totally reasonable but you should treat all grandchildren equally. Not in money but time with you

Do you know the actual salaries of all your three adult children and their partners? Do you know the actual amount of benefits and maintenance your single DD receives?
How do you know the extent to which the two couples are, or are not, struggling financially?

Because if you are just assuming, based on appearances, surface details, and job titles, you are possibly very mistaken and being very unfair.

It is terrible parenting to set up a situation where one of your children is jealous of the favourable treatment you give another.

Ouch - this post is unnecessarily harsh imo. The OP is neither cruel nor unkind. My Dd is unlikely to be as financially successful as her brother and we may have to help her purchase a property. Ds is aware of this and completely understands the logic behind it. It’s not about favouritism. It’s about equity, not equality ie treating people differently to achieve fair outcomes. In the op’s scenario the financial help one child receives achieves a fair outcome for all grandchildren.
edited for typo

Not treating your children equally means you are slowly destroying their relationships with each other.

Once you are dead your children will simply have nothing to do with each other because of this. I have witnessed it with people I have known.

I’m surprised this is at 50\50 in the vote. We have a similar situation in my family. Sister lost her husband in hers 30’s and was left with 3 young children and is in a low paid job.

My mum is always desperate to make it fair and even with us which actually annoys me and I’ve told her so. Life isn’t fair and even so she shouldn’t try to make things equal. I don’t need the money. Meanwhile my sis is sitting in a cold house as she can’t afford to heat it properly. My parents have stepped in and have given money to cover the heating bills over the winter months. As she said it’s 2025 and my daughter is sitting with no heating on but we have money in the bank so I can’t let that happen.

I can’t actually believe folk saying you should make it equal. How can the kids with good incomes resent this for their sibling. Inheritance should maybe be split equally but this isn’t the situation being referred to.

I'm the sibling that has had no financial help where siblings have. I won't inherit equally.

The thing is I don't need it. Why should they give me hand outs for the cash to sit in my bank account or be spent on stuff I don't need? I'm just glad to have been so fortunate as to have had my hard work pay off and my parents not have to worry about me.
It's petty and grabby to be resentful over something like this.
That said, you should make an effort to ensure you have as close a relationship with the other grandchildren OP. Through time spent with them rather than money spent on them.

Why is your daughter not getting a better paid job?

yoi need to find a way to redress the imbalance. Maybe by giving her smaller share of inheritance and being transparent with everyone about it.

and why do you have her grandchild over more? That’s REALLY unfair and would really upset me. At least share the time and attention equally

I don't believe that you are being unreasonable OP - we are doing much the same, although only one of our two children has kids of their own. Our daughter and her partner have both developed the same serious health issue - a one in two million chance apparently - which means that they are now unable to work, so we do everything we can to support them and to ensure that our two grandchildren enjoy as normal a childhood as possible.

Our son and his lovely wife both earn well and have no dependents, but although we don't support them financially, we try to help them in other ways. They, in turn, are very kind to us and try to make sure that we can take occasional holidays. We all do what we can to make things work.

In an ideal world, we'd have enough money and time to ensure both our children received equal amounts of our resources, but alas, it's not and our means are finite.

I can't believe that anyone wouldn't help a child and/or grandchildren in need just because their better-off siblings were or might be miffed about it. In fact, I feel really quite pissed off about this sort of attitude and the criticism it implies. Please ignore them OP, and continue as you see fit.

People happily writing on here that their other children are happy when a sibling is treated more favourably..but how do they know? How do decent loving children turn to their parents and say otherwise? It's a native self serving view by the parents to justify their actions.

Your children will be able to understand, even if they don't accept your reasoning

However your grandchildren won't

As long as you are aware of that and will accept the probable ramifications

Out of curiosity, are your other two children boys and this is your only daughter? It seems very common to favour your daughter and daughter's children over your sons

Agree. DH's sister has always been favoured over her brothers. They hate it but they know there isn't anything that will ever change that. Their parents will always find an excuse to favour her so what's the point?

You will support your kids differently throughout their lives. It might be that your single child meets someone next year and is less reliant on you.. whilst your other adult child separates from their partner and needs you more during that time..

ad long as you make the effort for your other children and grand children in other ways I don’t see the problem in this

my DH is the middle of 3 (all now in their 60s). Number 3 has always been favoured financially and it does breed resentment.

All 3 of them are doing ok but PiL are always “helping” 3. For example, he recently took voluntary redundancy and lost his company car so they bought him a cheap car.

It is their money and they can do what they want with it but it is obvious to all that they favour one of the siblings and it is one of the things that has damaged their relationships.

My personal resentment is that they always ask me & DH to do things for them (buying stuff online, paying bills, getting them shopping type stuff) but never ask sibling 3 because he is always “too busy doing something important and can’t be asked”.

You are not unreasonable to help your children in the way you think is best but you are unreasonable if you think it has no impact on the dynamics between them.

With respect, you cannot know for certain there is "no resentment".

OP, why isn't the child's father paying child support?

I can understand the thinking behind this but I suspect the net effect will be you will have a closer relationship with the dc and grandchild you help whilst the others become more and more distant.

What if one of your other children found themselves in the same circumstances? Any of them could have a spouse that leaves, a job they lose etc. You wouldn’t be able to help them the same way.

Personally if you were paying for your grandchild to do an activity/holiday I’d be inviting all the grandchildren for the activity/holiday.

If your other children resent you helping to keep a roof over your child/grandchild’s head by helping with a bill I think that different. To give them nothing but be paying for one grandchild to have holidays/activities doesn’t sit right with me though.

What does the third child do for a job? Presumably she works full time and gets nursery heavily subsidised?

OP, what did you want to get out of this thread when you posted?

Then surely you reassess what you're able to do and where you're able to help?

My mum is like this with my brother to the point she’s in debt to fully support my brother who is about to go on his second holiday this year. He got Christmas money whilst my two kids got nothing for Christmas as she couldn’t afford it. It’s caused huge resentment for us other siblings that have had to help my mum financially whilst she supports him and has never been able to financially help us instead takes from us. She also has his kids weekly and has never had mine or my sisters as can’t handle them all. I think of my brother as a leech whose poor choices have forced my mother who still has to work full time at 68 into poverty. It’s damaged me and my other siblings relationship with her hugely. Hope it was worth it to her to bleed herself dry for him whilst everyone else suffers.

This will breed resentment in the long term. Grandchildren soon pick up on what they will perceive as favouritism. How much are you doing of 'equalisation' in regards days out, holidays, activities? Don't make it obvious that you are paying for clubs

In the longer term this has the potential to damage sibling relationships as well - there will be some simmering resentment building up