AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

My father has always said that he helps who needs it. So he has helped me at times more than my sibling when I’ve needed it, and then he’s helped them when they’ve needed it.

I watched a close family blow apart due to money and inheritance issues and the feeling that one sibling and their child got everything because they were a single parent. Money causes so much damage.

What’s the point of this as you’re so sure YANBU and have an answer for everything?

The only person at the moment who has understood my post fully when it comes to the childcare.

So will the DD receiving constant financial payments receive less inheritance?

How do you know your other children aren’t having to put their costs for holidays and cars onto credit cards and loans?

I genuinely suspect there is some resentment from the siblings who are working hard/juggling paying their bills too and trying to save for their future.

I know my parents helped out my siblings when they were going through tough times. I was never told, but it’s none of my business. I’ve never felt resentment towards them, my parents or my siblings. I was fortunate in having a well paid job and in a good relationship, them not so.

As a child of parents who have always treated my DC differently to their cousins trust me there will be resentment and your protestations there is not scream denial.

even if you don’t care for spoiling the relationship between you and your other DC/GC don’t be part of spoiling a relationship between siblings and cousins.

This. I’m not sure why you are so resistant to the idea that a situation you’re perpetuating might have long-term ramifications for the relationships between your children.

Not unreasonable in my opinion. Wouldn’t bother me if my lower earning sister got a bit of help from our parents. Anything my sisters can get, good for them!

I'm torn, on one hand I feel like I’d be really annoyed if my parents were able to afford to help out with childcare and holidays etc for one child but didn’t help me at all.

On the other hand I realise that my mum does this to a lesser degree with my brother. She lends him money all the time and he will not pay it back. Eventually she falls out with him and wipes the slate clean. Then they make up and it starts all over again. She’d given him so much money but she never learns, however I out earn my mum and I would never expect her to give me the amount she’s given him. She’s also not doing it freely. He knows how to push the right button to get money - kids need food, need gas and electric - need medicine. So she feels unable to say no. I don’t feel resentful at all, I feel sorry for her as she can’t afford it and I think he is taking the piss,

I personally don’t think I would give so much money to one child but not do anything for the others. Do you really need to pay for holidays? I’d probably help with basics to keep them fed, clothes and warm but I don’t think I’d be paying for luxuries that my other kids probably have to budget and go without for

I can understand why the other siblings could feel they are valued less. Like it or not, this kind of support will feel like favouritism.

Are you doing anything to help improve the prospects of the struggling sibling? Encourage CMS payments, claiming what they can or supporting them to up-skill and increase earning potential?

My parents do this with my sister. I am a bit resentful as my sister gets to make life choices without thinking about money. Her DH chooses to work 4 days a week as they have their rent paid by my parents, she’s pursued a low paying passion career and taken ten years to settle into that.

I immediately went into a corporate job out of uni as I needed to be able to pay rent and then a mortgage. I’ve made sacrifices in life to chase promotions and higher pay to be able to afford things that my sister has paid for for her.

I don’t want anything but 50:50 inheritance as I don’t need more money and I’ve made my life choices. I would’ve made different choices if my parents were going to significantly subsidise me. I’d even go down to 4 days a week at work if they paid me the same as they pay her now, but they can’t afford to do it to both of us, and my sister now couldn’t afford to live if she had her parental funding halved between us.

Do I resent it? Yes. Have I made peace with it? Absolutely. Is it fair or right? I don’t think so.

I would never ever do this. YABU.

It’s not fair for you to prioritise the one grandchild over the other grandchildren. They are being penalised for having parents that are together.

You seem sure that YANBU, that you are right in what you're doing, and you seem absolutely certain that there's no sibling resentment. What's the point of this being in AIBU?

I think it's awful to punish the children who work hard and have done ok, and to focus financially on the one who earns less. It's never good to play favourites.

Your grand-children will grow up knowing that you favourite their cousin, and everything was always for the cousin. Kids are not stupid, they know.

I am not surprised there's a little resentment. You have chosen your favourite child and you make it obvious. It's cruel.

days out, holidays, activities. and nothing for the others? wow

I get you don't let one child starve and without heating (but surely if they work full time as you said, they can't be that destitute!), I get helping with chilcare ALL THE CHILDREN so they don't work for nothing

but instead of focusing one one grand-child, I would spread it more evenly, or invite them together or something.

I couldn't treat my own kids that unfairly, I don't understand people who do, and reward the child who works less, or made different choices.

I think YANBU at all.Money/ child care is needed differently by children at different times .I think your plans are fair .Whether we think so or not,life is not an equal path for everyone .Some need more help .They are family so should understand .Even on the other thread ,some people were commenting that it was unfair.I disagree .Not everyone is able to hold down a corporate job .Teaching Yoga is worthwhile ,they are not sitting at home being "kept"

This is crazy. You’d leave a struggling adult to go without because other adults have enough? If it breeds animosity, you haven’t raised your children right.

I think the only reason people are saying about time is because you said in your op that you see this grandchild a lot more than the others

My parents helped my brother and my sister in identical ways when they left home because they thought it was “fair”. They left home, had ok jobs and could afford to support themselves but my parents gave them £400 a month. By the time I was leaving home to go to university (which they had known for years I would) they had nothing left to give. They hadn’t saved for helping me through it, so, I couldn’t leave my home town to study and had to do an entirely different course at a local uni. The one bed flat they paid the mortgage for, for my sister, had to be shared with two other people if I wanted to move out. I had to get two jobs to pay the bills and they would give me £20 quid a week for food. The alternative was to live rurally at home and rely on my parents for lifts to uni.

This was not “fair” in any way. By the time I’d graduated, had a decent job and was earning well, their circumstances had changed, my sister was a single mum, so they were once again helping her. They gifted her the family business because she worked there.

I have no resentment towards my sister. She’s been through a lot and has turned her life around. But my mother still believes she did absolutely the right thing and it wasn’t her fault I ended up on a totally different path and had to make sacrifices because of her insistence on being “fair”.

My dad supported my younger brother when he was struggling. Me and my older brother had zero issue with it as we know if we ever needed help then our dad would be there for us.

Your situation is different to the previous post in that your 3rd child doesn’t have any other support. In the other post you refer to, the sister had a husband. I do not think you are being unreasonable in respect of financial support but I think you should aim to spend an equivalent amount of time with each grandchild.

presumably they were all raised the same, given the same opportunities and start in life.

Rewarding the one who decided to achieve less is a bit weird.

Normal parents don't make judgement and try to treat their children pretty much equally.

they gifted the family business to one child?

Wow. You are am amazing person to be so kind and understanding, your parents are .. unreasonable to say the least.

I think the answer to this will be quite telling.

@VIOLETPUGH a key differentiation between your case and the other thread is open and honest communication. The secrecy is what eats away at the trust in a relationship.

What you are doing is pragmatic, you are not raising the lifestyle of one to match the other two you are helping with essentials.