AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

I hope the relationship stays good with the siblings because i wasn’t bothered that my In-laws spent more time/money on their daughters children (i could see she wanted it so she could have more time out to herself). They took grand child on holiday with them , see Santa at Christmas etc but never offered ours to come. however it did hurt my husband and there is resentment to the point that he was were never able to discuss with the parents and ended up resenting his sibling as well as the parents. Now this is where it’s interesting the grandchildren are grown up and the parents are older and want to see my husband/our children more but there is now no relationship. My husband says lets his sister do all the running around for them because he says they were not involved with us when we could have needed help. So SIL is now resentful that he does nothing for them he sees it as payback for them always helping her and not us. The whole thing is awful and they don’t talk but were once close but because the parents made such a difference between them/their grandkids it’s created a massive family rift between the siblings. This didn’t happen over night but over time so be careful OP you could unknowingly push the siblings apart

Hi op you do you but just out of curiosity does your dd not get any uc top ups? Usually single parents on low income get additional benefits if they get these then you also help her financially then yes it seems unfair but at the end of the day your going to do what you choose but put yourself in your other dd shoes.

The other dds have good jobs and so do their partners. I think the OP is getting a very hard time over this. I'm poor and as I said previously if my mum had not helped me I would have gone under.

My brother doesn't resent me on any level and I've paid my mum back when I had the money to do so

It's hard being poor and it must be harder being poor with a child

I'm so surprised about some of the judgmental comments here, albeit that you have asked for them so fair enough, but if you’re a single parent you are going to be more in need of childcare to get a break so you can go out occasionally, get to work etc. It's not easy with 2 parents and my husband and I rarely get to go out by ourselves so I can see how lovely it would be to have someone offer to have them but we have never had that, but I can go out when my husband is home and vice versa. For those saying contact the dad for child support we dont know the circumstances, sometimes it's not safe to do so, we don't have context on what the relationship was like. Eg abusive men would be best uncontacted. As for those mentioning inheritance...have a word with yourselves. Since when has that become an entitlement. Let's celebrate a woman who is trying to help her most struggling child while she can. The help won't be there forever and hopefully a better job will become more available as the grandchild gets older.

I would offer childcare and time, support etc, I would hesitate to fund luxuries such as holidays. That is going to be the sticking point. Provide bare essentials of course, and make it clear to siblings you do not want your gc to starve, but you do not pay for pure luxuries, no. That is where the resentment will fester, trust me.

Don't be ridiculous. Bankrolling just one kids' holidays IS going to be an issue!

When the other kids have partners and have plenty money - I don't think so. The holidays could be two days in a caravan for all we know

Stop making people feel shite for trying to help someone that's struggling

Same. So many posts on here I detect an almost competitive and jealous vibe between adult siblings as though petty childhood sibling rivalry never left them.

I gifted my entire share of inheritance from my DF to one DSis as it felt the right thing to do to enable her to buy a small home outright. Me and our other sibling had higher paying jobs, were well sorted for housing and in stable marriages etc. My siblings are among my very closest friends and I’d trust them with my life, so was happy to help make her life better in that way. I certainly wouldn’t have begrudged her if my DPs had been regularly helping her out financially either.

It's not the same at all when it's YOUR decision.

It's parents who treat their kids unfairly, and have obvious favourites who start unpleasant and unhealthy competition and jealousy.

Rewarding the one who does the least is never going to go down well. That's now how you raise your children if you want them to be close.

I am not talking as a jealous sibling, but as a mother!

My in laws gave thier daughter 5k for a mortgage and a few years later 5k to. The son for his wedding. So they both got when needed it... If he had got it at the same time of his sister he would have wasted it on crap as he was younger and daft. So as parents if ur kid is struggling and the others aren't at the moment of course u help the struggling one out at the moment... If and when the time comes the others can be aided and maybe the one helped more can recieve less finances on the will. To compensate. It should be openly discussed as a family so no animosity arises

There is a strong vibe amongst the MN community that feels entitled to their parents money and time, despite being full grown adults. It’s a bit unpleasant isn’t it?

I've never felt entitled to my mums money ever. She helped me when I was desperate and I repaid her. Some people are poor - on the bones of their arse and your post is really unpleasant

Hope you feel good posting that

I have commented on your post earlier. But in case anyone else doesn’t say it - can I just say you sound like an amazing mum and grandparent - really lovely of you as it sounds like family is front and centre. They will appreciate it.

More likely a strong vibe from those who don't mind justifying favouritism towards some of their children.
I've read this whole post as a daughter, as well as a parent.
And I still can't justify long term help, only short term as needed, and with communication with the other sibling/s.
Because after we're gone, they have to survive and get along.

Helping each of the children at different times, according to need, and with transparency, is wonderful and to be commended.

Helping just some of the children, and ensuring therefore they continue to be weak and vulnerable, long term, is not ok. It also could lead to sibling rivalry.

Secrecy like the other thread makes it so much worse.

So no, as a parent, I feel only temporary and transparent help is fair. No rewarding bad situations long term, or weak character, and no punishing those who've been strong and resilient. But sudden situations that are completely unfair and need support, definitely warrants temporary help within reason and could certainly be life changing and appreciated.

Or maybe a strong vibe that many parents can't comprehend how it's possible to have favourites, how you a mum (or dad) can subsidise one child and ignore the others.

I just don't get it.

Then why ask the forum?

my response is you treat all adult children and grandchildren exactly the same.

I can assure you from my own experiences, adult children will tell you exactly what you want to hear. Their siblings may know very differently to what you are being told or ‘think’ this or that.

just treat them equally. If you are unable to do that, then don’t do it at all.

That’s my view. That you keep things fair between dc. You don’t have to agree with it, but that’s my position.

Over the years I have seen favouritism and it always ends up with division/estrangement and poor relationships between siblings eventually. It festers quietly in families. I think you can offer help and support without paying for holidays and luxuries. That is less likely to be an issue.

Most parents are aiming for independent, confident dc that can manage their own lives and finances.

I would feel like I have failed tbh. Op needs to encourage her dc to be adults snd start weaning, she isn’t doing them any favours in the long run as they aren’t fully functioning - and she won’t always be around. I also question the motives of the rescuer mother playing the role of benevolent life saver….be supportive but move towards adult independence.

The only part I honesty thought was to me that sounds unfair, is that you are not having the other GC as much as the 1 GC, I also help one of my DC exactly the same because they need my finance help a lot more also, but my 7 GC and 2 GGC i spend as much quality time with as I possibly can, I have the 5 youngest one's always altogether and the bond the 9 of them have is so much closer than cousins, try to change this part of your life making memories is so important with all your GC they will so enjoy all being together and you will be making strong friendship bonds between them all, i treasure these days so very much

I am one of those not getting the additional parental support in this situation and you are definitely doing the right thing. My sibling get nothing from the father for 2 despite going through the right channels as he plays the system. She needs the financial support my other sibling and I don't. This is not early inheritance in our eyes and we have told my parents this. Keep supporting the child that needs it now you will support the others in other ways if and when they need it.

I don’t think you are BU.
for me this is the difference between equality and equity. I’m genuinely surprised at the number of people who would take issue with this. I would never want to see my sibling suffer so I could have a something I don’t need.
The venn diagram between Mumsnetters who believe inheritance isn’t a right and those who think this is grossly unfair would be interesting.

@ThxForTheFish I think most posters have focussed more on We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others

The OP has tried to backtrack on that and claim that she spends plenty of time with all of them but given that she also works full time, it's hard to see how that works.

one of my siblings suffers from a mental illness, but my parents, when giving them money, always give the rest of us the same. Theirs goes into an account that pays their bills, heating, electric, house insurance etc..) which they doesn’t have access to.

with regards to childcare you are being unreasonable and I can see why resentment can occur.

When ds was a child he had medical issues that weren't covered by the NHS or insurance we paid to help resolve these.
DS got braces paid by us, dd got her braces on the NHS - same dentist.
Ds had a physical deformity on his chest - we paid to have it privately fixed.
Ds had private speech therapy as a toddler for a year.
Ds needed to get ADHD privately assessed, he needed us to pay for his meds
The total probably came to well over £10,000.

Do posters think I need to make a bank transfer to dd because she was lucky enough not to have health conditions that weren't covered by medical insurance or the NHS?

My sister is doing the same but her DS is schizophrenic and can't care for his DC so she and her husband took over his role so the children's Mum can work. They have done so much childcare, taking them swimming every week, collecting from school if it's raining in primary buying them bus passes in secondary, doing all their laundry, buying them most of their clothes, paying for school trips etc. They have not given other DGC this support. The DGC are almost grown up now and DGC who did not get all the help have become resentful of their cousins and very rarely visit dgp's maybe once or twice a year. When my sister asked one of them why they don't come more they told her she was always busy with his cousins. You may be acting out of kindness but be aware your other DGC may feel excluded as they grow up and see all you do and give to their cousins. I treat my DGC equally.

Maybe your parents are super wealthy. If not, there will come a time when they can't afford to pay to help one of their children who really needs it (or to pay for their own care needs), because they've given so much money to adult children when they don't need it.