AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

One of 3 siblings here. My parents were able to help all of us out at one time or another . Each of us needed it at different times . If we calculated it up I am sure we did not get equal amounts but it was their money and if it was to help my sibling I didn't begrudge it . I for instance was the only one with kids and my parents were generous with them too. Problem now as fully grown but entitled adults I think my brothers think we should still share resources and should still occasionally give money . Any money I am able to give away are going to be to my kids .

I think you are doing the right thing. I am the oldest of three, and myself and the middle child (we are all late forties, early fifties) have done well career wise and are settled and happy with loving partners and adult children. The youngest is a single parent to two young children, and due to a lot of financial and emotional abuse from an ex partner, has not progressed career wise as he would have liked. He works hard and is fabulous father, but struggles financially. Our mum helps him out a lot with our blessing - she cannot afford to give all three of us the same financial help right now, but us older two do not need it and do not want our little brother to struggle. We both know mum would help us if we need it in the future, and if mum was not able to help our brother, we would. Equality does not always mean treating everyone the same.

Unreasonable to spend more time with one grandchild than the other. Your financial choices will breed resentment - I’m not sure I agree but it’s up to you how you spend your money but think choices about how you spend time with your grandchildren are unreasonable. All of them deserve time with grandparents.

I'm one of three siblings, we each have two kids, but my sister is a single parent - I've never resented my parents giving her more time or money, she's on her own and that's hard. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

The financial help wouldn’t bother me but taking more of an interest in one grandchild would.

Out of interest are the grandchildren you don’t bother with as much from male children?

We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others.
and pay for holidays, activities.

wow.

You will hear a lot of different point of views. This shows that for some people fairness is providing to kids similar lifestyles, that is you offer more help, time and money, to the kid who needs the most, which is what you are doing. Others think fairness is providing to all kids the same amount of money and time, independent from their needs. This seems to be the stance of one of your kids, who is unhappy with what you are doing. You can continue doing what you are doing as this is your view on being a fair parent and explain to your unhappy kid your view of the world with the risk they will build up resentment towards you and the receiving sibling or you could change, divide up the money and time fairly and see if it makes you happy and actually if the sibling who got used to a preferential treatment will be still happy or grow resentful. The reality is you should have thought about it before starting such arrangement, but it is hard to forecast which of the kids could be unhappy. At this point, assuming you are happy with they way things are and don’t feel changing reflects your view of life, you should have a frank conversation with your unhappy kid and accept if they become more detached or resentful. You could try and re address with your will leaving more to the other two siblings but I am not sure you want to do that as it will mean a lower standard of life for your third kid? Would you leave more to her as well, as they will have less pension being on a low income job? What of then they meet and meet someone wealthy? You need to think now about this, decide what you will do and have a frank conversation with your unhappy kid.

Missing the point.
I think you are being very fair OP and you are an amazing parent and grandparent

I think you are being unreasonable. Presumably they all had the same start and one has made less sensible choices.

That said, I wouldn't see a grandchild cold or hungry. A compromise for me would be to gift the single parent child a lump sum for use now, when she may need it most. This however, must be deducted from her third of any inheritance, at today's rates.

I would be very disappointed if my children were resentful to a sibling because were more in need, and got more help from me as a result. More than anything, it’s my money and I can do what I want with it! It’s really really weird and not okay to be worrying about your slice of the inheritance when the parent isn’t even dead yet. I guess the other sibling may feel a bit jealous at times but ultimately, that’s life. Things are not always fair or equal. If my child ever tried to question how I spent my money I would be very tempted to leave them nothing!

I bet there is you just don’t know it. My in-laws helped my sister-in-law a lot more than us. It doesn’t matter so much now because our kids are older, but they are much less close to the in-laws than their other grandparents. ILs would have absolutely no I’d no idea about this. DH also has felt disappointed over the years but again we’ve never spoken about it and they wouldn’t have a clue. If yours are voicing it or showing it in it any way they’re definitely feeling worse in private.

I hope your child doesn't bother with you anymore. No parent can be so cold and dismissive about their own children.

You chose to have favourites, you are right, you absolutely can. But they others should move on.

This.

I assure you, there is.

Does your DDs ex pay CMS? If not, you should prioritise helping her to put in a claim. She can do it today. That would take some of the financial pressure off at least.

The OP hasn’t answered a single question. Just made a few comments insisting there’s no resentment.

I find that quite interesting.

It’s nothing to do with favourites, it’s about helping your child who is in need. Equally, I hope your parents don’t leave you a penny since you’re watching their purse strings and dictating how they spend there own money! The OP has said she sees all the GC etc but helps one a bit more because they need more help. My siblings all have needs/lifestyle which mean they need more from family than I do. I can’t imagine being so cold that I would resent them for it. At times am I a bit jealous, probably, but I get over it. What has happened to make adults so entitled and selfish?

Absolutely! I couldn't begrudge my parents helping any of my siblings if they're having a hard time. And we would help each other as well, if needed.
My ex and his brother currently support the children of their useless brother who has buggered off overseas and pretends he hasn't a care in the world.
Families support each other as needed, unless the resources are bountiful and everyone can be supported equally.

Yanbu and I'd be disappointed if one of my dc begrudged their single parent sibling help with clothing their child and keeping the heating on. Not sure why you'd spend less of your time with the other grandchildren though. Why isn't that more equal?

I disagree. Its trying to create more equality rather than favouring one over the other.

YANBU op

Some of the vitriol on this thread is something else, not all single parents made poor life choices.

I’m sure there’s a good reason why OP’s daughter can’t claim maintenance and not just because she cba to put in a claim!

Three adult siblings. Eldest is a single mum with mortgage, always worked, struggles with money.
Middle child (F) never married, no kids, mortgage paid off, self employed
Youngest (M) is gay and married. No kids. Rents, but very comfortably off.
All have been helped at different times by parents, but the eldest has had the most.
None of us could care less.

One gets free childcare, free holidays because they need "help"
but the others are not tired or in need of childcare or holidays are they? Only the favourite child?

Yes right.

How could there be any resentment? It's nothing to do with making sure the heating bills are covered.

I agree with this to some extent . It's one thing funding the odd treat etc but I don't think it's right to take financial responsibility in the way it sounds like you do. Why doesn't she pursue the father for maintenance? I'd be annoyed that my parents were picking up the bill. The best way to help your child is to keep the family unit strong and this is clearly having a detrimental impact on relationships. I can see why your other child is annoyed.

I couldn't disagree with this more. Support comes in many guises and you give according to need to the best of your ability.

I read this as you are the only sibling with children your parents helped fund them. Now, years later to address the imbalance of money distribution in younger years your brother is expecting you throw money his way as he has financial difficulties?

This demonstrates the mess that is created if parents do not treat each child equally. Circumstances at 25 can be very different at 45. If they had not over indulged your children would the thought of you financing him ever have crossed the mind of your brother?