AIBU - Adult children and financial help.

[VIOLETPUGH]

On the back of a recent threat regarding treating adult children differently this is my story.

We have 3 kids, 2 are in secure relaltionship, both themselves and their partners having well paid jobs and both have 2 children. Our other child, is a single parent, 1 child, with no other support other than us, her parents, (the child's father, and paternal family are not involved at all, their choosing). The 3rd child is hard working but a low paid job. We supplement our 3rd childs life, she doesn't go out ever, doesn't drink and doesn't smoke. We help with heating bills, clothing my grandchild, days out, holidays, activities. We do this as we don't want our grandchild to do without the things my children and her cousins have. We will not change, and will continue as along as we can help them. We also have this grandchild a lot more than the others. There is a little jealousy from one of her siblings, other one understands why and has no issues. Financially we cannot afford to give the others the same, and they do not need financial help.

So AIBU ?

Did your third DC’s partner become an arsehole during/after pregnancy or was he an arsehole before? Does she claim CMS from him?

My family has had a sort of similar situation going on in the past, though it changed a few years later. I don’t care about the financial stuff, we don’t need help and I’d have to be a pretty shit person to object to my nephews having a warm house and clothing and the opportunity to go to beavers while my own kids have all that and a lot more.

But I would care if my parents had a lesser relationship with my children than my nephews or chose to spend wildly different amounts of time with them - that to me would feel like having favourites or loving my sibling and nephews more. Sometimes differing amounts of time happen because of geographic distance (we have cousins abroad who are seen less often because they’re a long haul flight away) or particular ill health challenges or something but otherwise I think it’s really unfair to always pick one grandchild over another for your time and attention.

Your situation is different from the one posted by the OP whose parents gave her sister a very large monthly allowance to bring her household income up to the level of the OP's high salary. The sister worked very part-time in a hobby job and her husband also worked very part-time as a self-employed garden designer. The sister could then afford new cars and long-haul expensive holidays.

Your daughter works very hard but in a low paid job and she is a single parent with no support from the father (she should chase him for maintenace via CMS though). Your contribution doesn't enable her to live luxuriously.

I presume that you look after this grandchild more because you are their only grandparent. Would you like to look after your other grandchildren more? Maybe that would help with the resentment from one of your adult children.

Nonsense. It’s about parity.

Would you watch one grandchild doing without financially and emotionally while their cousins were living in relative wealth? Each to their needs surely. Hopefully the siblings realise how lucky they are to not need financial help.

Personally I think it is impossible to be 100% balanced between your children , unless you refuse to help any of them.

As long as all your children understand that they could also come to you for help should they encounter similar adversity e.g. divorce, single parenthood, sudden job loss etc. I don't think it is unfair or displaying favouritism.

YANBU.

It all seems sensible to me.
If I had a struggling sibling, I'd be glad to see parents helping them out.

I think the main issue isn’t the money per se, but the time and energy being distributed unequally amongst the children/grandchildren. I’m a single parent, and wouldn’t expect to get any more than my siblings would get from my parents in terms of time or money.

Where does it say in my post harbouring resentment, I said a bit of jealousy ! Her siblings treat her very well ,their is no resentment !

Your scenario is different as it sounds like you have been transparent from the get go with all your kids.

Where YABU is holidays and time. Holidays are a luxury - if they can’t afford it they can’t afford it - many people don’t take holidays as they can’t afford them. The money from holidays for your single DD will be better as days out or emergency help fund for your other DC’s

Also time - seriously BU they all deserve your time -

If one DC is growing resentment have you asked why - maybe they are seriously struggling and therefore resent seeing their sibling have days out and holidays from the bank of mum

There seems to be an abundance of threads where adult children appear to be unable to navigate adult life and be financially independent. It is a shame as independence and resilience are one of the best gifts a parent can bestow on their children.

I believe all children should be treated equally, the only exception would be a severely disabled child.

If kids are brought up equally and one adult child fails to take advantage of opportunities or makes poor choices, they really shouldn't be bailed out at the risk of damaging family relationships. It is basically rewarding poor behaviour.

They get more time, as in they need more help with child care, other grandchildren have 2nd lot of grandparents who also help.

I think you need to talk to the child who feels a bit jealous and work out exactly why. It might be something you can solve without needing to stop supporting your DD who you feel deserves it.

There is a lot of replies on the emphasis of time, all my children have sleep overs at mine, they all go on days out holidays with us, its just the this daughter has no one else to help with childcare the others have in laws who also help.

I can see why you’re doing it and I can see why it might breed resentment. I think having one DGC more than the others is particularly problematic. There’s also the issue of the extent to which your help might stop your DD from realising she needs to make significant changes and haul herself out of the hole she’s in - and the extent your other DC and DGC might feel penalized for better decision making.

I can see the argument about wanting you DGC to have a decent childhood, and ones about helping a DC out of a hole but think if you are matching a more than decent childhood that their cousins get because of their parents’ life choices, and/or if the intention is long term support that’s far more problematic. You should also consider what you’d do if one of your other children screwed up or fell on hard times - if you can’t afford to do this for more than one dc, that will be a pretty vicious blow.

there is no resentment !

Do you refuse to provide childcare for the others (or make it clear you can’t offer them more)?

Jealousy can quickly turn to resentment and may already have done so.

I do provide childcare for all, I also work full time, and do what I can. There are NO issues about the amount of time I care for my grandchild from the others.

What would you do if one of your other children's circumstances changed when you have stated you can't afford to offer all children equal help ?
I don't think you should allow 3rd daughter to go without hearing /food etc but supplying holidays and more 1:1 time is shit ,,I was that grandchild who was deemed ok and not in need cos I had 2 parents who worked and cousins only had 1 parent and in my experience they had far more in time and materialistic things than I ever had due to my grandparents over compensating and yes I noticed and yes I felt it .

I think you are being a bit naive here… if one is showing “a bit of jealousy “ THAT IS RESENTMENT…. If you only see a bit of jealousy I’m sure they feel more passionate about it behind closed doors.

Also why post if you are going to argue everything everyone says … did you just want everyone to say no you are perfect and keep going ….

It doesn’t have to be monetary equality. It can be time.

You can only do your best. Time with DGC is very precious and they will remember that more than money.

Could you afford to give up work if you weren’t financially bankrolling the other daughter?

OK I have not worded my original post well enough !

All my grandchildren spend time with us, more than they do their other grandparents, they all receive help where possible with child care.