AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

[SantaHatCat]

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

You are being very petty. I can’t believe you were checking on the chocolates your guests ate. It would have been nice if there had been a contribution towards food and alcohol, but as you hosted, you can’t expect that.

I’m a believer that if you host, you pay. If you don’t want to pay, then don’t host. I would hate to be invited for a meal and then put under pressure to pay an arbitrary sum that the host decided was my share without any prior consultation.

If your boyfriend is otherwise a mean man, then only you can decide whether he’s the one for you.

She only hosted at the last minute because his family uninvited them! He should have offered to pay for all of it, let alone half.

OP he's a stingy git. Have you got the ick?

It was decided I’d host as my bf has no shelves in his oven (so can’t cook turkey or roasties) and as my ds still lives at home we’d stay at mine.

Love keeps no scores.
I think if you really loved him you'd stop counting. You sound quite transactional and arbitrary, stop giving things and then becoming aggrieved when people take them.

Ugh I cannot stand a stingy man. This is very thoughtless behavior on his part. I’d have to have my antennae up to see if this sort of thing continued… but I was with a stingy, freeloading man for a few years and I’ll never allow that again.

yeah, it’s a red flag OP. and just so unattractive

People are insane if they think this is acceptable.

Is this part of a bigger issue? Posting about your bf ‘owing’ you £33 seems a bit lame unless he is generally mean. I wouldn’t be counting chocolates but I might have expected him to bring a bottle or two. Did he get you something nice for Christmas?

Yes, I think this is unreasonable. It was nice that you offered to host but if you’re incredibly short of money, you should have said up front, ‘I’m short on cash, can you all contribute’. If your partner and son had brought alcohol or dessert or something, it would have kept costs down. I don’t think it’s polite to go back to people afterwards and tell them you need money.

Did he bring you a token gift?

Yo need to address this asap.

Tell him that you expect him to pull his weight financially and to pay half.

Is he usually tight? Do you end up paying for dinner at restaurants, cinema tickets etc?

Of course he should have been sharing the cost of the food, sharing the work involved in the preparation, and sharing his chocolates.
He comes over as self centered, entitled and mean.

You have seen the real him and tbh this unattractive behaviour would make me feel totally differently about him.

Yabu to buy gifts with the expectation people share them. That is mean. And also a box of chocolates as a christmas present? Really?

He doesnt have shelves in his oven? Is this something he is dealing with or just leaving?

Why did you take a big pay cut?

This is my point. I stepped in as his parents changed their plans which was not my fault and mainly as my ds still lives at home. My ds was invited to his parents house too.

Yes I am starting to get the ick as I am a generous person (hence me suggesting having Christmas at mine) but I feel like I am now being taken advantage of.

If he loved her, he would have paid. The only reason she hosted was because his parents cancelled.

Have you been with your boyfriend very long?

id be looking at the bigger picture of how he has behaved over the course of your relationship, rather than just this Christmas episode.

does he generally have freeloader tendencies or has he been supportive in general as regards paying his way during the time you've been together?

from what you've said, it seems like he is a passive bystander over the Christmas period - his parents hosting, then you hosting because they cancelled, him not having a decent cooker oh how convenient .... if he's earning decent money you'd have thought he'd have sorted out a new cooker to enable him to be the host and support you rather than stand there with his arms folded while the women all run around after him (is the impression I get ...)

Yes he should at least pay half but where on earth can you shop for Xmas and new year for 100? Is that just food for those two days or for the in between also? Even 100 for just those two days food and booze is very very cheap…

100% agree with @daisychain01.

Is he generally tight / useless around the house and home? I know you don’t live together but does he keep his own place clean and tidy; does he cook for you or just throw money at takeaways and eating out?

I think in this instance he should have contributed. Neither of you were planning to host.

I don’t like his inference of ‘making this a whataboutery’ - is he saying he pays for loads for you and doesn’t ask you to contribute?

Would you have offered his parents money for hosting you and your son?

I agree that you sound petty. It would never occur to me to expect money from my partner so I could cook a dinner for him and my son.

I’ve also never heard of your word chocolate rule. Why does everyone have to open their chocolate there and then? Was it a present or an obligation?

Why should he pay at least half when op's son (not his child) is an adult? If anything he owes you a third. You don't get financial compensation for being the host and doing the cooking. So he owes you about £30? Hardly seems worth a row.

YANBU. I generally believe that the host should expect to cover most costs, but you don’t expect guests to not contribute at all. It would be usual to bring some kind of contribution of food and/or drink, it’s less usual to pay.

Since you’re talking about food for the whole period between Christmas and New Year, and not just Christmas itself, that’s all the more reason to expect a contribution.

I agree with the “if you offer to host you pay” sentiment but I think there is another unwritten rule that accompanies that, especially in the circumstances that op describes, when arrangements had changed, that the guests offer to pay for the wine, or arrange to provide the Christmas pudding, or bring a cheese board, or if unable to do any of that, you bring a small gift and get stuck in to peeling veg or washing up,

You don’t sit there and take, take take, without pitching in or contributing in some way.

Equally op, having agreed to host, I don’t think it’s polite to ask for contributions retrospectively! But in your shoes I would be noting and filing away your bf’s behaviour for future reference as it doesn’t give a great impression does it?

The nub of the matter is whether your bf displays meanness generally in other areas of life? Does he pay for or contribute to dates? How well do you know him and how long have you been seeing each other?

BTW, if your bf has the make and dimensions, you can buy most oven shelves off the internet, as I managed to do this for an oven that we inherited when we moved house.

I think you need to sort your finances out if you can’t afford a £100 at Christmas. You sound very transactional and like a lot of people would be surprised to be invited somewhere only to divy up the costs . If you couldn’t afford it you shouldn’t have hosted .

It was his parents who let everyone down by uninviting them - that in itself doesn't show his family in a good light.
Despite the situation being created by the rudeness of his parents her b/f didn't step into the breach. It was OP who did that. And it should have been patently obvious that he should gave been contributing towards the last minute new arrangements.

I’ve also never heard of your word chocolate rule. Why does everyone have to open their chocolate there and then? Was it a present or an obligation?
You mean you have never heard that good manners dictate mutual sharing? That if you are taking things offered by other people then you also offer them some of yours ?

Did he get you a Christmas present?